


Ankaa

by InsaniaTorn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Awkward Levi, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gore, He's also in denial, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Let's not forget the Levi baggage either, Levi is a derp in romance, Moral injury, Possessiveness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:41:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 80,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7361881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaniaTorn/pseuds/InsaniaTorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some people burn to ashes.</p><p>Some rise from them anew.<br/>----<br/>He was crass, reclusive and generally unlikable; she was a good soldier with a lot of potential and not a lot of patience. There weren't many happy stories from behind the Walls and Levi was certain this would have some sort of tragic ending as well. </p><p>Given the way she looked at him, though, he decided that they'd at least go down together.</p><p>(Content warning for discussions of rape and human trafficking.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alnilam: The Brightest Star

**Author's Note:**

> Ankaa, or al-anqa, is the brightest star in the constellation Phoenix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic's name comes from the 2016 album of the French metal band, Eths. If you like metal, check it out!
> 
> The chapter's name and the lyrics at the beginning also come from a song on the album. Alnilam is also the brightest star of the constellation Orion.

_Les temps, l'espace ne font qu'un.                   Time and space are one._  
_Demain… hier, ne sont rien.                  Tomorrow… yesterday, is nothing._  
_Je suis ici et maintenant.                                   I am here and now._

[Year 835]

“Well, you can’t _keep_ her,” a woman’s voice said with disdain.

“She’s mine,” the man answered—a little tentatively, almost as though he was sad.

“Her mother is dead. I’m not raising a whore’s daughter as mine,” the woman continued, her voice reaching a fever pitch, “she’s too old to be mine; doesn’t even look like me! Everyone will know!”

The man seemed helpless. “What am I supposed to do?”

“She’d fetch a good price,” the woman suggested, a little calmer now. “Look, she’s pretty—she might grow up to be beautiful. We could sell that promise to a customer.”

“Sell my own flesh and blood?” the man was angry now.

“You bought her mother, I don’t see how you’re not being a hypocrite here,” she said snidely. “At least this way, we’ll have more money to spend on our own kids.”

“Miesha, I can’t,” he said desperately. “Her mother was so kind. She…she told me things. About her own mother and how she was sold to cruel people. I couldn’t do that.”

“How was her mother even a pure-breed? Perhaps she lied to you.”

“I won’t talk about this while Aisha is in the room,” he said pointedly.

Miesha scoffed loudly. “Xavier, she’s five, she won’t remember. Besides, she probably has already learned deceit from her dirty whore of a mother.”

“I wish you wouldn’t speak like that,” he said through gritted teeth. “You never met her. You want to know? Fine.”

There was the sound of a bell tinkling.  
  
“Nanny, please take Aisha back to her room.”

“Yes, sir.”

Aisha fussed a little when the kindly woman picked her up, taking her favourite doll into her other arm. She liked to hear daddy talk about her mother.

She didn’t understand why her mother was suddenly gone. This new one wasn’t nice.

Maybe she was just sad and would be nicer later.

* * *

Daddy was taking her out. Just the two of them—he said. They were going on a trip and he’d even taken her favourite things along. It started out great. She was in her father’s arms, looking out above all of the people passing by. The ladies in their fine dresses, and the men in their waistcoats and cravats. It was blissful.

But then, they entered a dark, strange place. It was down several flights of stairs, and it felt dank…disgusting, really, compared to home. Daddy ignored the jeering passersby, his valet following closely with his hand on the pretty pearl revolver he usually kept in a drawer. It felt like an eternity, filthy faces looming past, staring at the small convoy openly. They finally stopped at a decrepit, musty-looking house. Daddy knocked twice.

The man who opened it looked very much like Daddy. They had the same dark hair, the same deep, hazel eyes. He however, looked worn and tired. “I never thought I’d see you here.”

“I came to ask you for something,” Daddy said stiffly. “I have no business doing so, but…”

The man looked at Aisha for a long while. “Why did you bring her here? I’m not selling a child, if that’s what you’re here for you—“

“No! No, I…” Daddy got sad again. “I need to protect her from that. My wife doesn’t want her around. It’s my fault, I didn’t tell Miesha about her when we were courting, I just couldn’t…”

The man sighed, opening the door wider. “Come in then. You bastard.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

 Aisha didn’t understand why Daddy had gone. The man had introduced himself as Ambros; he said that she would be staying with him for a while. He’d made her a little cup of tea, and was busy pacing back and forth while she drank it. The door opened again, and an elderly woman slowly made her way inside.  
  
“Who’s that?” she peered through dirty, cracked glasses.  
  
“This is Aisha, mother. Xavier brought her here.”

The woman, stooped with age, teetered slightly as she shuffled towards the table.

“Certainly walking in the footsteps of his father, eh?” she laughed bitterly. “Aisha, my name is Lotte. Welcome to the family.”

Aisha felt the woman’s papery skin as she patted the side of her face, and looked up in awe at how every fragile she seemed. She wondered how long Daddy would be, and what they would have for dinner tonight.

 

 


	2. The Sword: The 99th Training Corps, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song and lyrics are from the metal band Blackguard :)

_A choice to make,_  
_A narrow road and no easy answers._  
_Make a stand today,_  
_Small is the gate and hardship's_ _what you'll face._

[Year 842]

Aisha stood stock-still amongst her peers. She was frightened, much like the rest of them, but under that feeling bubbled a tentative resolve. The small iron locket that Ambros had given her lay warm against her chest, complete with its small picture of Lotte. She wondered how the old lady was feeling this morning; Lotte may have looked frail, but she had the constitution of an ox. Many times when she and Ambros had fallen ill, Lotte shuffled around, slow but still completely fine.

She allowed herself a little smile. She missed her family, but she would make them proud. _Bravery, above all things,_ Ambros would say.

“You!” the instructor sidled across, coming to rest so close that she could almost tell the thread count of his shirt. “What the hell are you smiling about?”  
  
“Sir! I’m happy to serve humanity!”

“Oh? Are you happy to put your life on the line? Happy to die?” he yelled.  
  
Aisha tried to keep herself from wincing. “I want to make my father proud!”

“How do you plan to do that, shrimp?”

“I’m joining the Survey Corps, sir!”

There was an uncomfortable shifting around her. The instructor paused.  
  
“As you were, little girl.”

He moved on to the next unlucky soul, and the boy beside her gave her a sidelong look.  
  
“Survey Corps? Are you mad?”  
  
“They’re the best and bravest,” she murmured. “Of course I’m joining them.”

“You’re insane. It’s your funeral.”

Aisha shrugged. _Yeah, probably._

* * *

At dinner, there was a sustained murmur of conversation as the rookies finally got a chance to socialise. Aisha nibbled at her baked potatoes, glancing around at the little knots of people that formed across the room.

“I’ve never seen someone like you before,” a tall boy with blonde hair placed his tray down directly across the table. “Oh, uh—sorry, that was rude. I’m Klaus. From Trost.”

Aisha held a hand out. “Aisha Kaur. I…ah…I’m from the Underground.”

She watched as he battled to keep the surprise off of his face; there was a little pang of shame—not because of where she lived, but because she had faltered. Ambros would have held his head high and said it.

“Wall Sheena, huh? I guess that’s a different world from where most of us are from.”  
  
“I wouldn’t know, really,” she sipped her water, “the Underground isn’t really a part of Wall Sheena in that sense. I don’t really know what the surface is like firsthand,” she lied.

“Oh, right. Sorry again. I keep saying sorry, geez,” he laughed a little awkwardly. “What’s it like there?”

“Dreary, to be honest,” she explained. “Can’t say I’m mad about not being there.”

“I heard you said that you were joining the scouts. That’s insane,”

“I’m set on it. I want to do the job so many people shy away from.”

Klaus’ almost crystalline blue eyes met her own. “But why? If you got into the top ten, you’d be safe. In the Military Police, you would never have to worry, you could probably even afford to bring your family to the surface sooner or later.”

“They don’t want me to pick the cushy route,” Aisha smiled wryly. Lotte would curse her right out of the house if she did. “My dad was a scout himself, but he’s injured. He values heart. He told me all about how things work here,” she gestured to everyone else in the room. “Almost everyone is going to choose the garrison. The scouts die or get phased out from injury so often, and no one wants to join them. They’re the ones who are going to save us. They’re taking the fight to the enemy, while we sit here and wait for them.”  
  
“But, we’ve never had an incident,” he pointed out. “It’s pointless to go out and die like that.”

“Not if we find out about these things,” she said. The conviction in her dark eyes made him wilt slightly. “We can have better than this. Cozying up to the bourgeois lifestyle, staying safe and mooching off of other people’s suffering? I can’t do that. I can’t better myself and dance on the graves of the poor.”

Klaus shifted uncomfortably. “Not everyone can be brave.”

Aisha’s eyes narrowed venomously, and she saw a flash of the man who had left her. “No, they can’t.”

* * *

The instructor took a swig from his canteen. “Cadet Kaur!”

“Yes, sir!”

“Are you tired yet?”

Aisha sat back on her heels in the rig, feeling the sun beating down on the top of her head like a furnace. “Yes, sir!”

“Giving up, shrimp?”

“No, sir!” she said with conviction. She stared evenly at his lapel; it was easier than meeting his eyes from this position. If she moved her head just a little, she was afraid that she’d faint.

“Still want to join the scouts, cadet?”

“Yes sir! I will gladly do so!”

He stooped a little to make eye contact. “Then have another hour up there.”

“Sir, yes sir!”

He moved away towards the sidelines, where the other instructors were gathered under a shady tree.

“Is it necessary to do that?” Valerie asked. The newest among the lot, she didn’t quite have the heart for torturing them yet.

“Little bitch wants to be a scout,” he said stiffly. “So I’ll do my duty and haze the shit out of her. We’ll see if she survives it. If she does, they’ll be lucky to have her.”

“She’s twitching ever so often,” Andrei pointed out. “Instructor Gregor, should we-?”

“That’ll be the dehydration,” Gregor said, checking his watch. “If she’s still up there in fifteen minutes let her have some water. She’s made of tough stuff.”

* * *

An hour later, and all of the muscles in Aisha’s body felt as though they were on fire if she so much as twitched. Ambros was not lying when he said the drill sergeants could be cruel. She would meet the challenge, however. They knew who raised her. She would not sully his name.

“Alright, kid,” Andrei unbuckled the harness. “Easy does it.”

Aisha’s feet had already been on the ground, but without the rig, all of her weight finally hit them. Her muscles sent a shock of pain that blinded her for a second, and she fell straight into the grass below.

“Oh boy.”

“What do we do?” Valerie asked.

“Take her to the barracks. He said no medics.”

Aisha heard a sharp intake of breath as she was hoisted between two people. A wave of nausea rose as she clamped her eyes shut. She couldn’t vomit on them. That would just make things worse.

“Kid, you may want to re-think your plan.”

The cool sheets were a small comfort. Marie, a girl from a small village in Wall Rose scampered forward with a wet washcloth that felt like fire when it was put on her forehead. Aisha opened her eyes and promptly vomited right into the basin that was being held up for her.

“The sergeant said you’d do that,” she said sympathetically. “He said that you need to drink this, and sip a few canteens over a couple hours.”

“Thank you,” her voice was barely there. The bottle Marie held up was filled with some foul-tasting, salty liquid. It took everything that she had not to vomit again, but she choked the whole thing down. Marie helpfully lifted a canteen of water to her lips.  
  
“He said not too much at first,”

“He’s trying to kill me, isn’t he?” Aisha laughed lightly.

“Everyone’s talking. They say you’re mental,” Marie said. “You don’t break easily, do you?”

“High pain tolerance,” Aisha sank back onto the bed and pulled the wet rag down over her eyes. Even the damn lights hurt.

* * *

Whoever said that there was no rest for the wicked was right. There were no excuses the next day, no calling in sick or expecting to have it easy; Aisha dragged her sore, painful body out of the bunk and wolfed down her breakfast. Even holding her own head upright felt like work.

“Here, have mine too,” Klaus handed over half of his bread. “You look like you need it.”  
  
“Thanks,” she murmured. Perhaps she’d been too hard on him. On all of them. They weren’t brought up in the same way…experiences made the person, right? Who was she to judge them? All she could do was try to win them over, to see something greater than themselves. Being haughty wasn’t going to do that, and really, it was hard to be imperious when you spent the night vomiting into a bucket. She’d woken up with some of it in her hair.

Perspective was a hell of a thing.

The whistle sounded, and the cadets all rose from their seats, feeling thoroughly beaten. It was going to be a long, long three years.

* * *

[845]

The largest of the 99th Training Corps was a boy called Kai Olsen; at fourteen like most of the other recruits, he was easily well over six feet tall, and probably weighed more than Marie and Aisha put together. Gregor roughly told him that he should consider being a ground troop in the garrison. _That big ass of yours is going to run a gas tank down in no time._ He took it to heart, though, and was easily one of the top cadets.

“I can’t figure out how the fuck you guys are so good at the 3D Manoeuvre Gear,” he groaned.

It was a relatively quiet evening. They’d run their course with laden packs, and those who managed to finish the course were released to spend the evening on the greens.

Aisha tossed him an apple from her pack. “I’m about a hundred and fifty pounds lighter than you, that might have something to do with it.”  
  
Marie giggled. “You’re a workhorse, though. If you join the military police, you’d be a squad on your own.”

Kai made a face. “Yeah, I guess. I am a better shot than most of you guys.”

Marie nodded sagely. “See? Silver linings do exist.”

“You’d probably be an entrée otherwise,” Aisha pointed out. “I’d be dessert. Perhaps a light snack.”

Marie’s face blanched, but Kai roared with laughter. “You are a crazy little shit.”

“Where’s Klaus, anyway?” Aisha finished her own fruit with gusto. “I was expecting him to be here complaining.”  
  
“He didn’t make it in the top fifty in the course. Sarge has them running laps. He’ll be complaining alright,” Kai grinned. “Y’know, a lot of folks are thinking of joining up with the scouts, Aish. Because of you and your incessant hero-worship.”  
  
“Pssh, I wish,” she stretched out on the cool grass and closed her eyes contentedly. “It’s because of the scouts themselves. Did you hear about the new one?”

“Levi? Of-fucking-course,” Kai rolled his eyes. “He’s only the best we’ve ever seen. He joined, what, a year ago? He’s already a Captain and a squad leader. They’re calling him ‘Humanity’s Strongest Soldier’.”

“Uplifting, right?” Aisha said, stretching a little. “That’s something to live up to. In any case, we’ve got all evening to relax, and I’m not passing this opportunity for a nap up.”

“I’ve heard he’s kind of a dick though.”

“ _Napping_ , Kai.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The loveable 'kind-of-a-dick' himself will be making his debut in the next chapter!


	3. Revenge of the Dadaists: The 99th Training Corps, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics and chapter title are from The Agonist.
> 
> If you've been following the timeline, I have a feeling you know what's going to happen soon ;)

 

 _Sont-ils prisonniers?         Are they locked in?  
_ _Devrais-je les libérer?       Should I release them?_

 

 [Year 845]

“Congratulations, 99th Training Corps! Two-hundred of your sorry asses have made it,” Gregor called. “Your top ten for the Southern Division are as follows: Henning Abernathy, Marie Lisiewicz, Rene Maslow, Mikael Jorvin, Jeanette Gluz, Kai Olsen, Gelgar Beck, Simon Dietrich and Aisha Kaur.”

Aisha’s jaw dropped slightly; a few rows ahead the ash blonde Simon turned slightly to give her a thumbs up. _First? Out of the District?_

Ambros would be pleased—not proud yet—but pretty happy. Proud would come after she survived her first foray into the world.

“Sign up for your chosen posts by this evening! You are well on your way to serving humankind! The 99th Training Corps is dismissed!”

“Sir!” the resounding cry was met with the steady sounds of fists meeting eager chests in salute.

The newly graduated recruits broke ranks for lunch. Aisha met up with some of the others at the canteen, which was a currently a din of energetic chatter.  
  
“Bacon sandwiches,” Simon said excitedly. “They made ‘em special for us today.”

Aisha took one, giggling at the gleeful way that he and Klaus were devouring theirs. “Where’s Kai?”

Klaus swallowed with some effort. “Trying to wrangle another one. _He’s a big guy_ , he says, so he should have more food.”

Marie appeared at his elbow with her arms full of their canteens. “Geez. You’d think orange juice was some sort of valuable resource. They were practically climbing over one another to get them.”

“Let’s go to the yard, it’s getting fucking terrible,” Aisha called over the yelling. “Kai’ll find us.”

A nice spot in the shade was open, and they were able to sit on the stone floor and watch the convoys of soldiers passing as they ate. Aisha savoured each bite with ambrosia; meat was not something the cadets saw a lot of, and being from the Underground, she’d seen it even less than her cohorts.

“Rumor has it that almost a quarter of us want to be in the Survey Corps,” Simon said. “Commander Shadis’ll be happy.”

“Will he, though?” Marie folded the sandwich paper neatly under her canteen to keep it from blowing away. “Every time I see him he seems to be getting more and more haggard. It’s like he’s wasting away.”

“Commanders have a good life though,” Klaus pointed out. “Private quarters, good wages, enough food…what’s with him?”

“He’s got blood on his hands,” Marie said. “It takes a toll.”

“Imagine that—your decisions can mean the deaths of so many men,” Aisha said with awe. “It must be killing him inside. Casualties are down for now, but could you imagine what he went through before?”

“Yeah, Survey used to be a one way trip to either a Titan’s dinner or the nuthouse…”

* * *

Valerie arranged the tables and sign on sheets for the recruits to pick their assignments; Gregor was looking at the knots of recruits wistfully.

“I can’t believe they made it,” she motioned to Simon and the others. “Top ten and all.”

“They pushed each other,” Gregor explained. “And I pushed that girl so hard, I knew she’d either rise to the very top or drop out,” he sighed. “She’s a mixture of aptitude and determination, but I’m afraid of her attitude.”

“What d’you mean, sir?”

“She’s too foolhardy. She wants this, but she doesn’t know what it means. What it costs,” he looked down at his gnarled hands, remembering the screams of the many men who’d died as he viciously clung to life. “She doesn’t know what it is to be helpless.”

“She’s got Lisiewicz and Dietrich. Two level heads if I ever saw them; Klaus Lindemann is good too. I’m surprised that he didn’t get into the top ten,” Valerie wiped the sweat from her forehead as a cloud provided a blissful respite from the sun.

“They’re babies,” Gregor said. “We’ve got an excellent crop this year. Lindemann was good, just like the rest of them, but there’s only room at the top for ten. Some of them got there by fractions. But they’re still green…you can be a gutsy son of a bitch, but still lose your head when it counts.”

Valerie gave her superior a sympathetic look. _War jades even the toughest bastards._

* * *

“How the fuck did you manage that?” Simon was gawking openly at Kai’s precious second sandwich.

“The lady was going to tell me no, but apparently, I look like her son,” he answered with a grin. “So, she slid me a second when people weren’t looking.”

“Well, hurry up and eat it,” Marie pointed to Gregor, who’d started walking off of the stage. “He’s going to the bell. Lunch is practically over.”

“Is that Commander Shadis? And is that Pixis?” Klaus wasn’t the only one staring at the convoy that was making its way to the stage. Every recruit in the yard had stopped talking or eating.

“Yeah,” Marie said. “And those are their best people.”  
  
The sight of the wings of freedom made Aisha’s heart practically skip a beat. With Shadis was a group of about four soldiers: a tall, blonde man with proud cheekbones and a handsomely aristocratic face; an even taller blonde with stringy facial hair and hooded, calm eyes; a bespectacled woman with disheveled reddish brown hair and an infectious smile and finally, a short, sour-faced man with a closely shaved undercut of dark hair.  
  
Kai elbowed Aisha hard enough for her to almost tip over, “Captain Levi! He’s the one with the black hair.”

“Huh,” she rubbed her shoulder absently. “Thought he’d be taller.”

“He’s still taller than you,” he pointed out. Aisha stuck her tongue out at him, and Klaus gave her a little shove. The Captain was giving them a sidelong glare.

The bell rang out suddenly, and the silence was replaced by the sound of the recruits levying to get into position.

* * *

“Look at the little babies!” Hange planted a shove square in the middle of Levi’s shoulder blades. To his credit, the shorter man barely budged.

“Yeah, yeah, little shitfaced brats,” he said his voice dry and non-committal.

“Ooh, that guy! The blonde tall one,” she pointed openly. “He’s probably bigger than you Mike!”

Mike gave the rookies a lazy glance. “Huh. What’re they feeding them? The three of them are fucking huge and the other two are barely people.”

“The little girls are so cute,” Hange clasped her hands in mirth. “The dark one looks so eager to get started. Survey Corps for sure!”

Erwin turned and made a small ‘stop it’ motion with his hands. Hange deflated slightly, but kept that manic smile on her face.

Levi scoffed. “You can be cute and still dead.”

Hange opened her mouth in retort, but was drowned out by the head instructor’s heavy bass voice as he called the recruits to attention. The Survey Corps was up first to make their pitch. They usually needed all the help they could get.

Gregor moved aside for Commander Shadis to begin speaking, coming to rest beside Erwin and the others.  
  
“What’s the climate like this year?” Erwin asked, staring straight into the ranks of eager faces.

“Better than the past few years,” Gregor said bitterly. “Little idiots.”

“In the top ten?” Hange asked, her voice was low, but the excitement was tangible.

“I know at least half of them in the Southern Division seem to want to be scouts,” he sighed. “The top recruit can’t shut up about it. She’s the small one next to that giant blonde kid.”

“What’s with the tiny ones being the badasses?” Hange elbowed Levi.

“Fuck off,” he murmured. “None of them are badasses yet. Not until they survive.”

Gregor sighed again, but this time, it was filled with despair. The four squad leaders looked at him.

“They’re excellent, all of the top ten. Even those who narrowly missed it; we had an unprecedented performance this crop, within all the divisions,” he explained. “But when has that ever stopped a Titan?”

Mike gave a snort, “Yeah—they’ll learn that promise is nothing if you’re inexperienced. We’ve all seen talented kids die before they got common sense.”

They looked out at the innocent, resolute faces in the crowd in silence.


	4. The Plague Within: Fall of Maria, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title and lyrics are from Paradise Lost; the song is No Hope In Sight, off of the album The Plague Within.
> 
> All of my depressing and/or epic music is getting put to good use for this fic! xD

  
_It's a battle_  
_as the years start to fade._  
  
_No hope in sight._  
_A light before us dies,_  
_Aligned the horrified._

_No hope in sight_

 [Year 845] 

Aisha still remembered the smouldering distaste in the eyes of _Humanity’s Strongest Soldier_ as she signed her life away to the Survey Corps. Squad Leader Erwin Smith though, was quite kind—shaking her hand and congratulating her for the brave choice.

The warmth of that little embrace still seemed to be trapped in her fist as she watched the afternoon roll into the evening time. Lotte and Ambros had made a rare, and very expensive trip to the surface to visit her. They had surface citizenship, so they went relatively unmolested by the Military Police. Lotte still held a list of things that her neighbours and friends wanted them to find before they made the long trek down again.

“You haven’t touched your tea,” Ambros said. He was looking older than the last time she saw him; grey streaks were slowly creeping into his dark hair, and little lines were making themselves more apparent in the corners of his eyes.

“How’s your back?” Aisha took an obedient sip from her cup. She could only imagine how long they’d been saving up money to see her off.

“Better,” he said firmly.

There was no reason to ask about Lotte; she was humming to herself, looking just the same as ever. She stared out of the window of the café, no doubt remembering the days of her youth on the surface.

Ambros froze as he spotted some of the Survey Corps passing on the street outside, probably headed towards Wall Rose. “Well I’ll be,”

“What?” Aisha craned her head to get a look.

“That little shithead’s a soldier?” Ambros was seemingly talking to himself. Aisha caught a glimpse of Captain Levi; it was probably his squad headed back to their barracks.

“You mean him?” she gawked. “Captain Levi is a legend.”

Her adoptive father gave a low chuckle, “Yeah, he’s always been a legend alright.”

As if he could feel the weight of the older man’s gaze, Levi turned and met his eyes for a second. They then slid to Aisha, before the group disappeared through a crowd.

“He wasn’t in the army when you were,” she pointed out, “how—“

“Don’t worry about that. Now go order yourself an apple tart,” he produced a few bills and shoved them into her fist.

“I—good lord, this is a week’s worth of food!” she growled. “I’m not buying myself pastry with that.”

“Go buy your dessert, child,” Lotte poured herself another cup of tea.

The retort died on her tongue. There was no arguing with Lotte, and frankly she didn’t have the heart to. Aisha obediently got the tart, but she insisted that the three of them share it. She used to make pastry back in the Underground; granted, it was using practically every substitute she could find for the more expensive ingredients, but they sold well. Ambros would always come back from the market with an empty box every time she made a batch of her dried fruit tartlets.

“Are those your friends?” Lotte asked, gesturing towards the door. “They’ve been hanging around staring for a while.”

Aisha turned around, spotting Kai, Simon, Klaus and Marie. “Yes, you should meet them.”

After being waved over, the group moved shyly towards the table, looking furtively at Ambros.

“Congratulations, all of you,” Ambros rose with some effort, his hand supporting the small of his back for just a second. Aisha’s eyes narrowed.

He shook everyone’s hands as they introduced themselves, while Aisha gave Lotte a pointed look. Lotte continued sipping her tea.

Aisha rolled her eyes and fixed her gaze onto Ambros’ back. _Utterly insufferable, the two of you. If his back was acting up again, why would you come? Why risk it?_

The Underground was dangerous, it was as simple as that; just to get to the surface, Lotte and Ambros would have had to pay through the teeth. If one of the thugs guarding the stairs got any inkling of the goods they were carrying back, they’d both be defenseless. She made a mental note to go with them when they returned; at least to see them through the entrance.

“…yeah, I wasn’t too great at using the 3DM gear,” Kai laughed bashfully. “At least not as good as the rest of them were. I ended up getting more than enough in my other scores though.”

“So where are you all headed?” Ambros looked expectantly at the group.

Each one murmured ‘Survey Corps’, save for Kai.

“The instructor said I’d be too much of a hindrance,” he sighed. “I don’t want to cost people their lives.”

“No shame in that,” Ambros clapped him on the back. Aisha stared. _Really? Since fucking when? If I’d shown up and said I was going to the garrison you’d have kicked my ass._

“I’ll give you guys some pointers sometime,” he said lightly. Marie, Klaus and Simon all had to see their own families. Everyone was headed to their assignments tomorrow, so this was the last, precious day of freedom.

Kai managed to wrangle a chair from a nearby table. The café owner looked a bit displeased—but he apparently thought against saying anything after he caught a glimpse of Kai’s massive frame. His family was too far away to come visit before he was enlisted, and it was clear that he was beginning to become a bit lonely watching all of his peers surrounded by their loved ones.

“It seems like such a waste to be behind the walls,” he lamented. “It’s not like anything ever happens.”

“Pray it doesn’t,” Lotte said quietly. “If the Survey Corps lose most of their men on a monthly basis, imagine the rest of us if a Titan attacked.”

“What are they like?” Aisha turned to Ambros. His eyes grew even more tired-looking.

“Worse than you could ever imagine. They’re…vacant. They smile, they _look like us_ , but they aren’t—they smile right up until they shove one of your friends in their mouths.”

Kai swallowed loudly. “That’s uh—that’s fucking terrifying.”

There was a loud noise, almost like cannon-fire a distance away, followed by smaller crashes. Everyone in the café grew silent for a moment.

“What the-?” Aisha looked around for any other soldiers. The room was just filled with civilians; no one seemed to know what could have made those noises.

“Might be the wall-mounted cannons firing,” Ambros said quietly. “A titan might have gotten too close in Shiganshina.”

“Is that it?” Kai asked desperately.

“If I remember right the place is a magnet for ‘em sometimes,” he explained. “Never had cause to hear one that loud before though.”

“I should find someone,” Aisha rose from her seat, “maybe the Captain is still around—“

“You, you’re a soldier, right? What’s that?” the café owner placed a hand on her shoulder. His blue eyes were no longer haughty; instead they were wide, seeking reassurance.

“I don’t know sir, but I’m going to find out,” Aisha looked down at Ambros and Lotte. “I want you two to get home.”

“It’s just cannon fire,” Ambros said.

Aisha met Kai’s gaze and they seemed to be carrying the same line of thought. They’d never heard mention of this sort of attack from the outer districts during training; to the contrary, they hadn’t been necessary for years.

A garrison soldier burst through the door in a panic.

“A fucking Titan!” he was shaking so hard that his teeth were chattering. “T-taller than the wall he—it—Shiganshina’s been breached!”

The room erupted in a collective uproar; some persons began diving for the exit, some staying crying in their seats; a few held to Aisha, Kai and the dishevelled soldier asking them what to do.

“Get to the evacuation point,” Aisha said. “Get your families if you need to. We’re close to Wall Maria, and it’s not safe.”

“You think a Titan can destroy the wall outside of Shiganshina and then Maria?” Kai’s hand was gripping Lotte’s chair hard enough for the wood to squeak.  
  
“We don’t know, but the fewer folks are near to that wall, the better,”

He nodded, while the rest of the people piled around them started fleeing. “We’ll have to report to the garrison.”

Aisha grabbed his arm. “I’ll go find the others. Take them with you to Wall Rose, please,” she gestured to Ambros and Lotte. The older man had gone positively white, his face creasing with worry. Lotte was alert—she was looking from Kai to Aisha, and waiting to hear what she should do.

“Go with him,” she told them, swooping down to embrace each; she stared Ambros dead in the eye. “I want you two back in the Underground.”

For once, he didn’t argue. “Be safe.”

* * *

Not many people seemed to know what was going on; those who did kept running—not explaining, and not stopping until they were well shot of the wall. The result, of course, was mass confusion. Almost every civilian accosted Aisha as she ran past, demanding to know what had happened.

“Get to the muster point, and tell everyone you see on the way,” she repeated.

Marie and Simon were already rooting through the crowd.

“We saw Klaus headed towards the training grounds!” Simon called over the hubbub.

“Let’s go then.”

Adrenaline dulled the noises of the people near to them; all Aisha could feel were her cold hands, gripped into fists as she ran. They got into the yard to find more chaos. Soldiers were ordering civilians away, while more confused recruits kept stumbling in. Gregor took the stage, with his two very tense-looking subordinates.

“The day we feared has come. A Titan has breached one of our walls. You all must report immediately to HQ behind me and equip your gear,” he announced. “Garrison officers are here to assign you to your roles.”

Kitz Weilman was not a man who inspired confidence. He walked towards the centre of the stage, and the recruits grew tenser by the step. His sunken eyes swept across them all, and his voice was filled with apprehension. He explained that each recruit would be re-organised into their original squads and then deployed according to the garrison officers’ needs. The 30th squad filled their gas canisters quickly, trying to drown out the panicked conversations of their classmates. The terse reminder of execution if they deserted still hung in the air.

Marie caught Aisha’s arm. “This doesn’t seem well-thought out.”

She took a deep breath. “They know what they’re doing. They have to.”

“I hope so too,” Simon clicked his canisters into place. “I can’t think of why they’d do things this way, but I need to believe they’ve thought this through.”

Aisha placed a hand over Marie’s. “Be safe.”

She nodded and went off to join her squad. It was time.

* * *

Their squad was assigned to the very middle of the battleground. They would provide support to the garrison and help evacuate while the Survey Corps came into position. Aisha was defaulted as the leader, however, they were assigned an older garrison member as well. Penelope Andersson was a tall, brunette woman with a serious face.—she at least seemed to know what they were supposed to be doing.

“Alright,” she pointed towards the map as they took inventory at Wall Maria. “This is where we’re going. The evacuation is ongoing, and about two ferries have left. We need to buy time for the others. An hour has already passed, so let’s get moving.”

The whirrs of the 3DM gear were all that Aisha could hear as they zipped through the air and over the wall. They came to land at the ferry site to check in on how many estimated trips they would need.

“Four,” a red-haired garrison member reported. He looked positively ill. “They’re talking about closing the gate soon, I mean…”

“Pull it together,” Penelope said stiffly. “Alright kids, move out. If we get separated, you know that Kaur is on point, and if she’s not there, then Dietrich is.”

The recruits all voiced their assent. Klaus’ eyes were fixed to the water below.

“What…the…”

Aisha followed his line of sight and saw that the water was trembling. Ripples were fluttering like footsteps.

“Oh no, oh god,” she groaned. The ground was beginning to take the same rhythm. People screamed; panicked bodies threw themselves at the boats as the ferries began to push off. The shrieking rose exponentially as a deafening roar was heard—Penelope’s orders were drowned out and the shaking earth almost brought the soldiers to their knees. A few feet away, a beast of a Titan came into view and was running full speed towards Wall Maria.

“What the _fuck_ is that!?”

The crash of its impact was deafening. Aisha screamed, but she could barely hear it; all she was sure of was the blood pounding in her ears. As if on instinct, she clicked the 3DM and moved frantically into the air, trying to avoid as much shrapnel as possible. She, Simon and Klaus landed on the nearby rooftop of a residence. The dust covered everything; it was choking, gritty and almost completely opaque. Klaus’ hand sought hers, gripping her wrist in a clammy embrace.

“What do we do?”

“Wait,” she whispered.

Simon was staring into the cloud without a word; little chattering noises could be heard as his hands shook against the sheaths on his thigh.

The Titan was gone, but Aisha could see more of them coming. Ambros had been right about them…they were vacant. Positively stupid-looking, but that somehow made them all the more terrifying. A fourteen-foot tall, smiling, bug-eyed buffoon could send you to meet your maker between his tombstone-like teeth.

Klaus’ grip on her wrist tightened, and Aisha’s gaze was diverted towards the carnage below. The dust was settling, leaving chunks of the wall and its gate visible; everything was covered with a layer of white, but the oozing crimson of blood was beginning to seep through. Little splatters of blood and viscera were left around particularly large rocks, while she could discern fallen bodies with various levels of injury near to them.

“C-can you see Penelope?” Simon managed, raising the hilt of his blade; his fingers were pressing the trigger when Aisha stopped him.

“We can’t go down there,” she said tersely. “It’s a deathtrap as is, and the Titans are coming; there’s nothing more we can do. We can only hope the rest of them got out and leave this to the wall guards. We need to get into position so we can prevent more of them from swarming.”

“But-“

“That’s the mandate we were given,” Aisha tried to keep her voice from shaking. “We can’t pick and choose our orders. They know what they’re doing. We’re needed to stem the flow so the ferry can move safely.”

They boys nodded hesitantly.

“Do we join someone else?” Klaus asked as they whipped through the air.

“Yes, the 19th squad is near where we were supposed to be,” Aisha called. “We’ll find them.”

* * *

Erwin watched his livid comrade slam his fists into the table.

“What the fuck do you mean that this happened an hour ago?” Levi growled.

Hange looked towards their commander. “That’s a while. Why weren’t we informed?”

“There were communication errors,” Shadis said, his eyes haunted. “And if we’re getting tied up and we’re here-“

“Those soldiers will die because of faulty intel,” Erwin finished for him. “They’ve also sent the cadets.”

“The babies?” Hange was horrified. “Not to the front."

“Yes,” Shadis said. “They’re already on the battlefield dying. No one expected Wall Maria to fall like this, so the current plans are unsubstantial.”

Mike kept his gaze steady through the window, watching as terrified people ran through the streets, trying to find out what had happened. The government was going to have a hard time with this one.

“Give us the word,” he said quietly. “We’ll go. We’re better suited for this than the garrison. They and the rookies are probably being torn to shreds.”

Shadis closed his eyes. “Alright go. We have no plan, we have practically no time to come up with one and we’re losing people. Erwin, you’re taking point on this. Co-ordinate your fellow squad leaders while I go figure out why the fucking sky is falling.”

Erwin picked up a spare map of the walls and began to draw them a strategy. There was no conceivable way this could get any worse.

Which meant that in all honesty, it would probably get worse anyway.

* * *

“The orders are to advance!” the garrison messenger was barely standing on his unsteady legs. “You’re going to the eastern market!”

The soldiers on the rooftop exchanged a look. Some of them were from this district; the marketplace was sure to be a hotbed of carnage, where familiar faces could be lying dismembered in the dirt…

“Sir!” Aisha saluted him.

The others followed suit. Squad 19 had already sustained three casualties, leaving them with two surviving members. The plan was to merge their two squadrons, and just get the job done until the evacuation was done. They sent word with the messenger back about their low numbers, but Aisha was certain that they would get little backup. Scores of people were probably already dead.

They cut through the air with wicked speed; there were mostly five and four metre Titans below; it seemed as though they couldn’t get over some of the fallen buildings. Though they were moving quickly, she could still see the little flecks of blood that signified where someone had died…as well as the flesh-coloured blurs that were once limbs.

The squad settled onto the roof of the largest merchant centre. It was too quiet.

“There’s no one,” Simon breathed.

“We’ll fan out,” a sandy-haired soldier suggested. Aisha struggled to remember his name.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said. “I mean, we have no clue what the situation is.”

“Hey, just because you’re the de facto leader of the 30th squad doesn’t mean that you’re our leader,” the other soldier said. “We’re going to avenge our teammates.”

“You’ll die,” Klaus said viciously. “Do you want that?”

Aisha’s pleas for the men to calm down went unanswered, but she could suddenly hear another series of loud bangs. Like large strides.

She turned in time to see what was probably a seventeen-metre class Titan sprinting towards them haphazardly. It looked like a slightly overweight man, with a grotesquely simpering face; he was too close, there was no time to even formulate words—

It crashed into the building and she moved on instinct. Chunks of bricks were hitting every inch of her body as she swung to the next one; she felt one collide with the back of her head as she pulled the trigger to move to the next rooftop. The force knocked the air from her lungs, and she felt the hot, thick blood as it ran down her scalp. Her landing was far from neat—she settled for rolling to a stop onto the roof. She sheathed one of her blades and gingerly touched the wound, feeling dazed and somewhat numb. Everything seemed to be happening in a haze.

Klaus and Simon landed right after her no—Klaus landed, but Simon seemed to be panicked. He screamed something as he was yanked back.

A Titan had caught hold of his grappling hook.

Aisha scrambled to the edge of the roof, her fingertips just ghosting above his as Klaus held her away. The seventeen-foot Titan threw their friend into the side of the crumbling building and then dangled his broken body into its maw.

She couldn’t move—all she could do was stare at the spot where he’d been. The same boy who’d helped her with her strategising course. The one who had once stolen a kiss as they helped one another do chores. They’d never really talked about that; she always figured they’d find the time. She could still feel his arms around her—no these were different. It was Klaus.

And the Titan was still coming. Aisha remained paralysed.

* * *

Levi and his squad were making a beeline for the first place they’d spotted any activity. One squad was already being hounded by at least three Titans, while he could discern that at least three soldiers were in immediate danger a small distance away. An abnormal was clawing after them with impressive speed.

“Take care of them,” he said, “Mike, are you with me to take on that thing? There are at least three more Titans coming. Those guys don’t stand a chance.”

Mike nodded; his own squad had already left to help the stragglers from other decimated groups. Someone had fucked up and fucked up bad. They weren’t just left without a new plan—someone had actively screwed up the current one. The list of abandoned and emergent zones was mixed up. These fuckers were sending soldiers to get killed for nothing while civilians died, thinking their rescue would come.

They swooped around to take the thing from the other side; it would take a few seconds longer, but they would have a better vantage point to keep going and strike the oncoming Titans without stopping.

Levi released his hook and cursed inwardly as he caught a glimpse of the rooftop properly. They were wearing cadet patches, and one of them was possibly having a fucking panic attack. Her larger cohort was trying to get her to move, but he was injured. The Titan was too quick, he was coming back again, and the boy was throwing her back. She staggered to her feet and watched the Titan holding her comrade; she found her voice and screamed. It was a piteous, wounded sound.

He wanted to tell her to stop as she released a grappling hook into the Titan’s eye, but he was too far. She desperately swung around to get to its neck, but it snagged her wire, and twisted it. There was little to be done but watch her get thrown through the window of the building.

It was reaching in to collect its prize. “Hey, you big ugly fuck, over here!”

Levi had gotten there first. With a slice of his blades, its hand exploded into gobbets of flesh and sinew. It roared, trying to swat at him with its good arm. He smirked, moving effortlessly out of the way as Mike sliced its vitals. It slid to the street below with an anticlimactic thud.

“Any of them alive?” Mike came to a stop on the roof.

The blonde man was cut in half. His torso and trailing innards glistened in the sunset, reminding Levi painfully of another soldier he’d seen die like that.

_No. Now is not the time._

“That girl is in the building. She’s safest there, if she’s alive,” he said. “We have those to kill. They seem to know that the soldiers are all in this direction, they’re fucking swarming.”

“Let’s get started then.”

Levi looked across to the remnants of the next building and gave the bloody, glass-covered body a last look. If she wasn’t dead now, she’d damn well want to be when she came to. He pulled the trigger on his 3DM gear and continued his duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly surprised how long this chapter ended up being. I was expecting this fic to be depressing to write, but now I can't wait to get out of the dark, icky parts and into the less heart-wrenching bits. How does Isayama-sensei do it!?


	5. The Perfect Embodiment: Fall of Maria, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics and title are from The Agonist.

_I won’t accept the incompetence._  
_Rotting in the weaker side of me._  
_For all my wounds to be healed,_  
_I concede to the greater part of me._  
  
_True opposites collide_  
_In this fragment of an entity._  
_I am one, forever incomplete_  
_Imprisoned in my own defeat._  
  
_My reflection, mortal challenge sinks_  
_In the depths of regret._  
_Failure to consent, no will to fight  
_ _In full retrospect._

 

[Year 845]

Everything was cold.

 _“Please._ ” _Klaus’ face was contorted in agony._

_Was he asking to be saved? Or asking her to run?_

_Who was she to imply that he wasn’t brave?_

_The Titan’s jaw clenched and he writhed. Trying to keep the screams in._

_As she flew through the air, Aisha saw the crest of Scout Regiment; Captain Levi and the other squad leader were coming. The Captain’s face was paler than usual—a little less severe. Pitying._

_When the Titan snagged her line, she didn’t make a sound as it jerked her back towards the crushed building. She saw the blonde of Klaus’ hair as she was thrown. Glass sliced through her jacket, through the white button down shirt that she’d carefully pressed that morning. There was a crunch as she hit the adjoining wall, and slid into the debris._

It hurt to breathe; every inch of her body stung at this point. The searing pain in her shoulder probably meant that there was a shard of glass embedded there. Roars, screams and crashes melded into a singular cacophony. How could she have done this?

A single moment of inactivity…of paralyzing fear; that was all it took.

_“Hey, you missed a spot,” Simon chided._

_Aisha tossed him the rag. “You do it, I suck at polishing. I’ll pack everything away, it always takes you too long.”_

_He made a face and obediently cracked open a new can of wood polish for the floorboards. Aisha squeaked as she skidded a little on the slick floor, but he was there—a comforting weight at her back. She looked up at him, heart pounding its way into her throat._

_“Gotta work on that balance,” he chided. Soft lips met hers._

A few rogue tears made a stinging trail down her face as she tried to keep her breathing shallow and slow. In that moment, Aisha desperately wanted to die. To cease feeling and fall into the unknowable peace of inexistence.

“Fuck, there’s more of them!”

“We’ll have to split these,” another voice added. “We have enough gas?”

“Hell if I know,” the deeper voice called. “I’m going to find whoever messed up the orders and shove my foot up their ass.”

_Messed up?_

Aisha felt the ache of suppressed sobs in her throat as it hit her: there was no one here in the market because it had been given up. They were never supposed to be here.

Klaus and Simon were mutilated because of a _mistake_.

Because of her fear.

Rage overrode the pain that was searing its way through her limbs; Aisha turned and tried to get up without using her hands. She didn’t need glass sticking out of her palms at this point. Her joints creaked as she got to her feet, her left shoulder still immobile and throbbing. The window was just a few feet away.

* * *

Levi counted at least six Titans on his end of the street. _Fucking fantastic._

None of them seemed to be below twelve metres tall; two were relatively close, while the others were sprinkled with enough space between them to rule out a quick kill. The retreat bell had not rung out, nor had the groups behind them managed to finish their evacuation of the injured soldiers. He and Mike would have no choice but to act as a buffer.

_Tch. A problem we created ourselves. How many civilian lives were lost because the personnel were sent here? How many soldiers?_

He broke into a run, pulling enough momentum to flit across neighbouring rooftops without the use of his gear. Gas preservation was the order of the day, at least until HQ got their heads out of their asses and figured out where everyone was. Closing in a few feet away from the two Titans, he fired a hook into the eye of the nearest; it grunted in pain, and the other turned slowly to stare blankly. He easily avoided the swatting hands, slicing the tendons of a nearby wrist to render the appendage useless. Two quick strokes later, and one Titan was on its way to the ground; balancing on the shoulder of the falling giant, his next hooks planted right next to the other beast. It never even saw him coming.

Unfortunately, some of the others had a handle on running. He latched onto a sprinting Titan’s nape, spinning in his lethal coup de grace to hit its vitals. The other one had already gotten too far ahead. The fucker was especially fast—probably enough so to be considered an abnormal.

Levi never liked playing catch-up, but there was little else to do. The last two lumbering Titans would be barely near him when he was done; he could pick them off with ease. He began trailing the running Titan when his eyes darted to the rooftop where the cadets had been. The girl from before was in fact, alive; she’d somehow dug herself out of the carnage and moved across to the street again. She was staring dead on at the mangled body of her squad mate.

_Ah, fuck. I don’t need this now. C’mon kid, stop being bait._

The Titan was probably going to get to the building before he would…unless of course, he used an obscene amount of gas. His finger was on the trigger for a burst of speed when she finally moved. With a swift movement, she pulled a wicked-looking shard of glass from her left shoulder and then drew her blades. A grappling hook shot into the face of the oncoming Titan. It was one of the more difficult kills from where she stood: the hooks and reels were incredibly powerful, but there was the added aspect of the Titan’s momentum. There was little time for her to manoeuvre—if she swung around too late, she’d crash into it and crush every bone in her body, but if she was too hasty, the speed could cause her to overshoot and wrap around its neck.

The twang of wires going taut made Levi cringe inwardly. She had no patience. She did, however, seem to make up for it with quick thinking—a second hook snapped into the nape of the Titan’s neck as the first was released. Blades glinted in the dying sun, and the creature fell. She wasted no time, however, eyes darting towards the end of the street. He knew that look well.

She was swooping past him like a gunshot, going for the two stragglers. He ended up coming to rest a few houses away, but her visceral screams still cut through the air.

He carefully landed a few feet away as she stood amongst the slowly vapourising Titans. She tried to sheathe her blades twice before succeeding, her trembling hands clenched into fists.

“Kid, you need to get out of the street.”

The girl looked like hell—but, really, it wasn’t much of a surprise. There were fragments of glass in her dark hair and a nasty wound on her temple from where she’d probably hit the window. Blood and sparkling glass splinters candy-coated her entire uniform. She met his eyes for a second and then threw up. Mike landed nearby and gave a low whistle.

“Tough little shit,” he said flatly. “The evacuation bell went off while you were running these things down the street. We need to get back before the gas runs out.”

“C’mon, kid.” Levi motioned. She stared blankly for just a second longer than seemed normal, and then moved unsteadily towards them.

“She’s got a concussion,” Mike confirmed. “Ah, fuck.”

He held her by the shoulders, cursing a little as she winced in pain when he’d managed to put his fingers right onto the deep gash in her back. He stared her straight in the eye; the difference in height between them was almost comical.

“Listen, can you get back to the wall with us?” he asked slowly. “We can carry you.”

She swallowed hard. “No, no I can make it. I just need a sec.”

Her eyes closed, and a little more blood dripped down from the slowly congealing wound on her forehead. When she slowly opened them again, it was apparent that she was trying very hard to not throw up again.

“I can make it.”

Levi scoffed. “Are you a hundred percent sure about that?”

She turned slowly to face him. “Don’t have a choice, do I? If either of you carried me we’d run out of gas before we got to the wall, and stopping to switch tanks would probably be suicide.”

Well, she was right about that. “Mike, you take point, I’ll hover around near her. If she drops I’ll take care of it.”

Mike nodded, and with a crack of grappling hooks hitting bricks, he was gone. The girl followed and he could tell that she was closing her eyes tightly every so often. _Fan-fucking-tastic indeed._

* * *

The good news was that they’d made it back in relatively one piece. Mike was able to easily dispatch a few straggling Titans in their way, allowing Levi to keep a close eye on their bedraggled rookie. When they landed on the wall, she proceeded to fall over and vomit again. Hange, who was busy corralling the incoming soldiers to the medical tent, swooped down on her like a vulture.

“Oh, definitely a mild concussion,” she mused, trying to get the girl to track her fingers. “She’s going to need stitches and observation for a while.”

“Mild?” Mike asked skeptically. “She was barely upright half the way here.”

Hange made a little tut-ing sound. “I know what I’m doing, you know. Anyway, where’s the rest of them? Is this it?”

Levi stared past them towards the carnage below. “Two of them died as we approached. She’s the only one left,”

The girl was being supported on one side by Hange. “Shit. Alright, kid, let’s go. You’ll not be getting a lot of sleep tonight I’m afraid…and I can’t give you any painkillers that’d make that easier. Tomorrow is going to be a hard road.”

“Tomorrow?” Levi asked sharply.

Hange’s face became serious. “The Commander-in-Chief has ordered every soldier who is mobile to be back out there to route the Titans. We’re still evacuating folks out of Wall Maria. The sun is going down, but we have a squad heading in already to make sure that they’re not getting too far into unbroken territory.”

“That’s a fucking joke,” he spat. “Half of the soldiers out there today most likely died, and the ones that made it back are probably half-dead as is. This will decimate them.”

“We have to save as many lives as we can,” she said grimly. “We’re hearing whispers that the government will abandon Wall Maria sometime tomorrow.”

“Once it’s not their asses on the line,” he spat contemptuously.

* * *

When he reported to the medical tents, Hange was still stitching up the girl. Night had fallen, and those left alive were either huddled around fires or trying to push the nightmares away to sleep. She wasn’t sedated because of her head injury, but she looked exhausted. A little murmur of consent was given for him to enter the tent as Hange worked.

“I’m going to be stationed here for a while,” she said, forceps glinting in the lamplight. “I’m staying with her all night and then I’m seeing off a few of our other injured. I’ll be on the battlefield probably by midday.”

“Don’t kill yourself, four-eyes,” he remarked. “You can’t expect to be much use.”

“I don’t, honestly,” she pushed her glasses up onto her forehead. “I’m doing what I can.”

“First sane thing I think you’ve ever said,”

She gave a tired smile. “Even I can’t be bubbly and exuberant in the face of this.”

Levi looked down at the girl; she was sitting backwards in a chair, her head buried in her arms while Hange stitched.

“And what’s this one’s name?”

She raised her head a little to peek at him. A thick bandage covered the wound on her temple.

“Aisha,” Hange said. “She’s not much for conversation this evening.”

Levi knelt so that he was at eye-level. “You did a good job, Aisha.”

Tears brimmed in her dark eyes, but didn’t fall. “They’re dead,” she whispered.

“I know. They’re not the last teammates you’ll lose,” he explained. “And I’m sorry for that. But tomorrow, you need to control yourself. You’re talented—that was obvious from how you handled those Titans. However you need to keep your cool,”

“My friends died because I panicked,” she said. Hange looked up, her face drawn.

“You’re a rookie, you’d never seen them before,” Hange said briskly. “The point is, you’ll be seeing them again tomorrow. Please, learn from your error.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Levi left the tent, pretending not to notice the tears slowly snaking down the girl’s face.


	6. Fully Alive: Fall of Maria, Part 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter took a while. I’ve been trying to find out possible ranks for the military in Attack on Titan, but there doesn’t seem to be any stated aside from ‘Captain’ and ‘Commander’ (the manga also refers to Hitch and Marlowe as ‘second class’, so there’s that). Therefore, as any frustrated author would, I’m making up my own:
> 
> http://flailed-state.tumblr.com/post/147423148562/aot-military-ranks-headcanon
> 
> I made it using a comparison of German, French and British WWI ranks (AoT is overwhelmingly German, and has hints of other European influences.)  
> Song and chapter title by Flyleaf :)

_All my complaints shrink to nothing,_  
_I'm ashamed of all my somethings._  
_She's glad for one day of comfort,  
_ _Only because she has suffered._

_Fully alive,_  
_More than most_  
_Ready to smile and love life._  
_Fully alive and she knows,  
_ _How to believe in futures._

 

[Year 845]

Erwin came down to the medical tents with deep creases under his eyes and a ream of paper in his arms. Hange had assigned one of her soldiers to watch over the injured girl as the squad leaders assembled, almost all of them dead on their feet.

“Here’s everyone,” she handed over a stack of records. “Organised as you asked.”

“You had time to take patient histories?” Levi cocked an eyebrow.

“It was Erwin’s idea,” she explained. “Ingenious, honestly. Evaluate each person and then try to assign them right away based on what teams we need to put out for the mission. That way we can try to keep as many of them alive as we can while getting the job done.”

Erwin thumbed through the sheets, “And it seems like we really needed it. A lot of these soldiers have injuries that would rightfully keep them out of combat.”

“So, what’s the plan?” Mike asked.

Erwin unrolled a map, “We want to keep the miscommunications to a minimum this time. I’ve modified the Long-Range Scouting Formation for still combat; instead of avoiding the threat, we’re going to meet it. Every squad leader is to be prepared to hear the retreat bell—other than that, stay where you are unless you see Titan advancement. Then, you use a red flare,” he produced copies of the protocols and handed them out. “I, or one of my designated squad leaders will fire a green flare in the direction. You then copy that signal and move in that direction, and so forth. The idea is to try and keep our strongest teams near the civilians, and also at the other end where the Titans are attacking.”

“Where’s the commander, by the way?” Levi asked.

“In the Capital, trying to make sense of all of the bureaucracy,” Erwin sighed. “The government was complacent. They didn't update the plan for a wall breach in years. In any case, this is the gist of what we’re going to do tomorrow. Any questions?”

* * *

Levi, Hange and Mike walked back to the tent that held the lone survivor of the 30th squad; it was a brisk night, and it seemed as though rain was looming. The soldier keeping watch was barely awake when the others filed in.

“She seems to be stable,” the woman yawned. “Responsive, not groggier than usual and she’s able to perform cognitive tasks.”

“Thank you,” Hange took the chart from her subordinate. “Get some sleep.”

“Ma’am,” the soldier saluted and left.  
  
“Are _you_ planning to sleep any time soon?” Mike asked.

“Probably not,” she sighed. “Oh, I assigned her to you, by the way,” she motioned to Aisha.

Mike gave a snort. “You think she’s a good fit?”

“From your reports she’s a bit of a tank; I mean—she’s beat up now obviously, but she’s your style,” she explained. “I also gave you some more cadets from her class who have some similar skills. Top ten, and they’re pretty solid.”

“Babysitting,” he looked at the sleeping girl. “Well, she at least she wasn’t terrible. She can take a beating and keep fighting, so that’s a plus.”  
  
“Great, so that’s settled.” Hange pushed her glasses up again, holding a hand in front of her eyes as if she had a headache.

“Four-eyes,” Levi gave his cohort a cutting look. “You look like shit. Go sleep, I’ll take over the death watch.”

“And you’ll be okay without sleep?” she chided with a smile.

“I only ever need about two or three hours,” he shrugged. “Besides, the last thing we need is our decent medic to be fucked ten ways to Sunday because she’s tired.”

“Touché,” she stretched. “She needs to be woken every hour, I can write down the symptoms you need to look for. I’ll be right here, so if she’s dying, wake me.”

Levi looked at Mike. “And you, go sleep as far away as possible. Your snoring drives me fucking nuts.”

Mike smirked. “Aye-aye Captain.”

* * *

“Hey, tank girl. Wake the fuck up.” A boot was nudging her leg.

Aisha groaned and opened her eyes gingerly. He really did need to work on his bedside manner. The entire night had passed in a flurry of profanity and sarcasm.

“Yeah?” she asked.    
  
“It’s morning, sunshine,” he said flatly. “Now get off your ass. You have to try not to die today.”

The idea of going back out there made a thrill of fear curl in the pit of her stomach. Levi noticed her trepidation and set up with a scowl.

“You’re alive when the rest of your team isn’t,” he held a hand up when she looked as though she would interrupt, “shut up and let me talk. This isn’t about regret, this is about what you’re going to do to keep living. It is your _duty_ , soldier, to meet the enemy. Regret is going to get you killed. You need to act like an adult and get some fucking perspective.”

The back of her eyes burned with tears, but she couldn’t cry in front of him again. She wouldn’t.  
  
“Yes, sir.”

“Now get out and let four-eyes change those disgusting-ass bandages.”

The understanding from the night before was pretty much gone; Aisha could definitely see the side of Captain Levi that made him so terrifying to the other soldiers. His temper preceded him, much like his deadly reputation. She sat up slowly, and he shoved a canteen in her direction, with a labeled little cup of pills.

 _Oh, goody, drugs._ She swigged the water after downing the pills, and swung her legs off the bed. There was no nausea this morning, which was heartening at least.

‘The Nice Captain Levi’, if there even was a thing, was nowhere in sight. He stormed around the camp growling at anyone unprepared or lagging; Hange described it as ‘tough love’ while evaluating her for any further issues:

“He means well,” she said cheerfully as Levi was roughly admonishing a soldier for taking too much time to get to his post. “He was actually rather calm with you last night, if you remember. He doesn’t kick a man when he’s down.”

Aisha looked at the dejected soldiers surrounding her. “I was beginning to think the concussion made me hallucinate it. We’re all a little down after yesterday, I think.”

“Yeah, but last night everyone needed rest and some comfort; this morning they need to be soldiers again. Being a leader means you know when to push and when to encourage.”

Aisha winced a little as Hange peeled off the bandage on her forehead; the dulled memories of what happened yesterday were floating right under her consciousness, as if they were coated in some sort of film. A pang struck her as she recalled Klaus’ mutilated corpse, and she desperately shoved the image away.

“What do we do about the bodies?” Aisha looked Hange right in the eye. “One of my friends is still out there.”

“I dunno kiddo,” she sighed. “I don’t think it’s as simple as a reconnaissance. Not with our forces like this.”

The thought of him lying there, forgotten…left to rot…

_No, I can’t think of this now. I need to concentrate on the living._

“Is there time to find some of my friends?” she asked a little desperately. Had Marie and Kai made it?

Hange shook her head. “No. It’ll take too long, and you need to report to your squad leader...unless of course, you want _him_ breathing down your neck?” she motioned to Levi, who currently had soldiers scattering as he approached. “You’re all set. Remember what Levi said: keep a level head and control yourself. He said it nicely once, don’t make him say it again.”

Aisha glanced at the rampaging Captain.

_Level head. Right._

_\---_

“Cadet Kaur, reporting for duty, sir,” Aisha saluted tiredly. Mike Zacharias was probably the tallest man she’d ever met. She was always taught to keep her eyes baring straight when she performed a salute, but all that did was give her a clear view of the middle of his chest. Levi made her feel small and nondescript from the sheer abrasiveness of his personality, but Mike could achieve the same because he was just so fucking _huge_.

“At ease,” he said. The hairs on the back of her neck rose as he bent a little… as if he was…sniffing her?

_Erm. What?_

“Sir?” she stared blankly. He had straightened up with a little smirk, and then promptly walked off to settle the particulars for their deployment without another word. Aisha gaped at his retreating frame.

“He does that,” a tall blonde woman explained. “Don’t pay any attention to it. I’m Nanaba, by the way.”

Aisha, still bewildered, shook the woman’s hand and introduced herself. “He saved my life yesterday.”

“He’s one of our best,” she nodded. “Probably second only to Captain Levi. Follow his lead and we may just survive the day.”

Aisha looked at the ranks of barely standing soldiers. “How many of us do you think will die out there today?”

“At least half,” she sighed. “It’s our job, however, to control that number. We’re going to be in the second position, near the carnage from the last battle— in tactical terms, we’re the heavy offense squad. We’ll need to be deployed while the others get into position; it’s barely sunrise, so the Titans should be active soon. We had some teams taking out the inactive ones last night, but we can expect more to pour in.”

“Heavy offense?” Aisha watched the trembling and in some cases—crying soldiers assemble in their squads.

“Specialised soldiers who are good at dealing a lot of damage over a sustained period of time,” she explained. “You know Captain Levi has recently been tasked with forming a special ops squad, right?”

Aisha nodded.

“They’ll move between the ranks,” she explained. “They go anywhere, and perform any role—like specialised missions, for instance. So their purpose changes depending on the mission. Our purpose is to steamroll everything in front of us, so we have teammates that function relatively independently. We usually only get called around when things get particularly bad.”

“So, we’re the bulwark when teams get in trouble,” the carts with gas and blades was here. Aisha loaded her equipment and ran enough gas through her 3DMG for it to hiss; she snapped each blade into place and made sure they drew properly.

“Essentially. We do have team functions, but I can’t expect we’ll be using them here,” she said tiredly. “We lost most of our own guys yesterday, and you cadets are too green to know our strategies.”

“You lost most of your team? How can you be so…okay?”

Nanaba’s blue eyes met hers, and Aisha noticed the fine lines of strain already showing themselves. “Because I’ve been here before. You don’t have time to grieve, until the mission is done. You’re learning it too, you just haven’t realised it yet.”

Aisha looked down at her own cold, numbed hands; she was right. Yesterday she’d lost almost everything, but today, she was ready to go again despite the numbing sadness and fear. Her body felt distant—as though it was being piloted on its own, as if she could be watching it go through the motions from afar.

The closer the time came to deployment, the worse she felt. Henning, Gelgar and a survey corps soldier named Lynne had joined them. The other 99th Training Corps members were, like Aisha, quiet and wearing pinched expressions. They didn’t speak, instead watching the two more experienced soldiers discuss strategy while the trio huddled together in a little, apprehensive knot.

Mike returned with a copy of all of the flare colours they would be using for their mission and a bag of their rations.

“We’ll be queuing out in ten minutes, so eat quickly,” he said, calmly as ever. “Now, each of you three,” he gestured to the cadets, “was assigned to me because you can take out Titans without help. You have to trust that assessment, and just go out there and do it. Don’t overthink it.”

“It’s easier said than done,” Gelgar murmured.

“There isn’t a choice,” he said plainly. “Leave the worrying to me.”

“Don’t let your nerves cost us lives,” Lynne added. “Trust yourselves, and trust us.”

The cadets exchanged a glance and resolved to swallow their fear; each of them had experienced the helplessness and loss of the previous day. They would never go back there if they could help it. Levi was right. Regret had no place in war.

Aisha opened the wax-paper wrapped package and felt a little green at the sight of the scant eggs and hashed potatoes. It was a rare, coveted breakfast, but the usually mouth-watering smell of scrambled eggs was repulsive this morning. She glanced up at the veterans, none of whom were wasting time in eating and getting their hydration in. Mike caught her eye and she got the message without a word. _Stop acting like a child and get it done._

The whistle rang out in warning for the battalions waiting for their deployment; Aisha hastily washed the rest of her food down with the remaining water in her canteen and got moving. At the top of Wall Rose, the soldiers could see the remains of their last encounter through the hazy dawn: the slowly fizzling bones of Titans that were taken down by the night teams, as well as the little splatters and bright red spots where living, breathing people once stood. Aisha could discern what looked like a human arm lying on a landing roof some distance away. Her stomach gave a lurch and she closed her eyes.

She opened them to find Mike saluting his fellow squad leader; Major-General Erwin Smith would be acting as their commander in the field today. He looked at them with a determined fire in his eyes, his posture straight and untainted by sorrow or fatigue. It was contagious—each soldier seemed to stand a little taller, look a little more self-assured as he passed by.

“You have your orders,” he said, his powerful voice carrying clearly. The sun was just beginning to peek over the distant horizon, illuminating his sleek blonde hair like spun gold. “I have faith in all of you. We will stamp out the menace, and we will protect our people!”

The salute she and the others returned was heartfelt. His presence was the uplifting respite they sorely needed, and he seemed to know that.

When the whistle went off again, she was ready. The cold wind whipped through her hair, the whirring of her gear and the billowing of the breeze roaring through the silence of the early morning. They came to rest on a tall building at the edge of the town, facing the western side of the abandoned city. One of the teams on the very frontlines was visible a little further down, spread out with their blades drawn already.

“Wait for my signal,” Mike reminded them. “We will spread ourselves between this building and the wall, so everyone is essentially on their own. Our teams out here are staggered to make sure we have as few gaps as possible. If you see Titans moving in our unguarded space, you signal that the front line has been breached and take out the threat.”

The soldiers nodded. Aisha stayed in her position as the others left; the team in front of her was full of veterans, so she felt relatively at ease. The other cadets with the bulk of the surviving soldiers were either in the middle, or if they were good enough, near the evacuation site. They were exceedingly lucky that Wall Maria was not completely urban; it was steeped in forests and hills that also held streams or lakes. The corresponding city on the other side of the encircled zone had the added buffer of a deep river. That was where Levi and his teams would have been headed. They, and a few other soldiers would man that large expanse with the garrison. Whichever side was done first would send its remaining soldiers would supplement the other forces.

Mike’s call to move at will came a few minutes before she saw them coming in the distance. Drawn by the concentration of soldiers, groups of Titans were shambling towards the front line. There were several that spanned between fifteen and twenty metres, and she could be sure that under the cover of the buildings, there would probably be smaller two metre classes as well. The veterans sprung into action.

Aisha remained rooted to her spot, her eyes darting from battle to battle. When should she step in?

_Instincts. Trust yourself._

She spotted a man caught between two Titans; one swatted him from his course leaving him to be summarily caught by the other. Her body moved in an instant, her grappling hook shooting off into the nearby building. She gunned the trigger that controlled the gas, and used the wicked momentum to fire another hook into the beast’s chest. Her blades arced through clumsy fists—there was no time to look back for the soldier as he fell. Swinging like a pendulum, she released the hook at the top of the motion, free-falling into the Titan’s nape for the killing shot. She rode the body’s descent, spring-boarding up and shooting for the building behind the remaining Titan. It was too slow, and never saw her coming.

When she regained her vantage point on the rooftop, she searched frantically for the soldier she’d freed. A sickening pang hit her like a blow. Right where one of the things fell, there was a characteristic bloody splatter of an impact. Just like those crushed by the debris yesterday.

Had he been dead already? Incapacitated?

Had she just killed a man by trying to save him?

 _No, stop. You can’t think about this._  
  
Aisha took a slow, controlled breath and looked towards the rest of the team. They were still in battle, each showing some control over the Titans around them. She loaded a red flare and shot it off, followed by a purple one. The military gave little purple ribbons to the families of dead soldiers. The colour never really felt the same any more, and now always signified death. She watched the colours bleed into the sky for a moment, and then put her gaze towards the surrounding mayhem.

* * *

Titan steam had reduced visibility to almost nothing; Levi cursed under his breath and moved to the highest building he could find. Eld joined him, wiping his face with his slightly damp cloak.

“Visibility is fucked,” he snapped in a new pair of blades. “Where are the rest of them?”

Eld’s shoulders visibly slumped. “We lost two whole teams before I came up here. The garrison is still re-loading their cannons, so we need to stop these things from crossing the river until then.”

The Captain scoffed. “Fine, go get whoever’s still alive, I’ll start our attack. By the time you organise them this gross mist will be gone.”

With a nod, the younger man was gone. He was the only one in the current crop of soldiers that distinguished himself right away for the new Special Operations Squad. Given the state of affairs and how many soldiers were being turned into Titan chow, it was likely to stay that way for a while. Levi’s blades cut through flesh and sinew like butter; the bodies crashed into the river below. He wondered absently if any of the rookies would survive long enough to join him.

\---

The concerted efforts of the Survey Corps and Garrison Regiment saw that the majority of the populace had been evacuated without much of a problem. A runner brought word that everyone up to the Utopia district had been taken through, thus, the decision was made to cut the forces and allocate more to the other side of Wall Maria.

“Apparently they’re not doing so well,” the soldier said tiredly. “Looks like the majority of the Titans went that way, on account of the hole being closer and the lack of natural barriers.”

Levi restocked his gas and blades atop Wall Rose, his face as unaffected as ever. “We have any estimate of the damage?”

“Major-General Smith thinks that the formation may fall within the hour,”

“Ah, shit,” he spat. Without the soldiers in line the Titans would pour through the gaps and decimate the population. “Alright, where’s my fucking horse?”

He, Eld and the remaining teams were tearing across the diameter of Wall Rose, headed for the eastern deployment camp they’d left that morning. It was too risky to try going around in Wall Maria; running into Titans and losing men before they could aid in the evacuation would be foolish. With the Garrison Regiment taking up Wall Rose as well, it meant that the fastest route was through the city. Panicking citizens scattered as the stout horses of the Survey Corps moved with agile urgency.

At the wall near the camp, they switched to their 3DMG; Levi was greeted by Erwin and Hange, who were also restocking their supplies before returning to the battlefield.

“The supply squad got eaten,” Hange explained as she tested her blades. “So we had no other choice but to come back and make up another while we resupplied our own gear.”

“Well, this looks like a right shitstorm,”

“It’s going as badly as I’d feared,” Erwin agreed. “It was always going to be a gamble which side was going to get the short end of the stick. If we don’t patch this up, the government _will_ abandon the people left here.”

“Tch. Fat fucks,” Levi scowled. “I take it we have a messenger taking reports to them?”

“Hourly,” Erwin said bitterly. “From the Military Police.”

“Figures.”

Erwin turned to the soldiers accumulated on the wall. “We’re four hours into this operation, and we have an estimated two more. You are to go out there and plug any holes you find in the formation. Leave any Titans in the centre to the mobile support squads or the teams based in the middle; concentrate on the incoming ones.”

“Sir!” the rough pat of fists hitting chests was heard.

As they whizzed through the air, Levi gave his commander a quick glance. “I suppose I’m going to join our support teams?”

“Yes,” Erwin answered. “Take your man with you, and meet up with Mike or one of his squad members. They should give you an appraisal of where you’re needed.”

Levi gave Eld a backwards glance and a curt nod before manoeuvering away from their stand-in commander and the rest of the envoy. Finding Mike would have been a chore, but luckily, his freakish sense of smell found them first. They chose a clock tower roof to discuss the particulars—not only was it taller than the Titans around, it had a clear view of what was happening for a few metres in every direction.

“Where do you need us?” Levi looked on as a squad began exterminating the smaller titans on the street below.

“Honestly, everywhere,” Mike said. “But since I have to choose, you should go find Cadet Kaur while Corporal Jinn goes down to check in with rest of the support folks.”

“Tank girl?” he asked. “She hasn’t managed to get herself thrown like a rope dart again?”

“Last I saw her, she was headed to the inside,” he pointed towards the very middle of the formation. “We have some Titans that broke through down there; four teams on the front lines are dead. That gap is at least half a kilometre wide; it’s probably our biggest issue at the moment.”

“Got it,” Levi then turned to his subordinate. “Try not to get yourself killed.”

Eld saluted. “Wouldn’t dream of it Captain.”

\---

The Titans were running amok amongst the midline soldiers; there were far more men in this area, but most were recruits or low-level soldiers. Many of them were also injured. Levi cut down three of the beasts as he arrived to the worst part of the battlefield—the air was thick with blood, and unfortunately, it wasn’t coming from the Titans.

Nearby, a group of rookies was being cornered by a twenty-metre type; by their inability to move, he’d have guessed that they ran out of gas. Launching himself off the rooftop, his spinning blades caught the Titan’s arm as it reached out for one of the soldiers—he rode the momentum up, circling all the way to the nape. The Titan fell with a crash as he rappelled onto the landing roof where the scared survivors were huddled.

“How many of you have anything left in your tanks at all?”

A crying girl raised her hand; the others looked as though they were barely able to discern what he was asking.

“You're on point here, soldier,” he told her firmly. “Use whatever is left if you get attacked again. You all are to retreat into this building and wait to be resupplied, got it?”

Her hands were shaking so badly that she could barely salute. “Y-yes, sir.”

He watched them climb through the broken window into the flat before moving off again. There was no guarantee that they would survive…for all he knew, a Titan would reach right in and pluck them out. With so many other personnel in danger, there was nothing else to do but hope and move on.

Several soldiers were fleeing as he passed by, some being carried by others as they’d either become too injured or had run out of gas. The elite ranks had finally begun moving forward—he could see the sparse backline troops trickling through as the others tried to get to safety to resupply and offload the wounded. At the epicentre, a cluster of Titans was wreaking havoc amongst the people still there; Levi could discern a bloodied Cadet Kaur as she moved between giants, either cutting down soldiers from fists or slicing napes.

With eye-watering speed, he’d closed the distance and gotten into the thick of the battle. Five Titans quickly fell by his hand before he needed to change his blades—with an unspoken understanding, Aisha covered him by downing the nearby enemies as he snapped a new set in. She was quick, there was no doubt about that. It took skill and a large helping of pure will to keep composure and precision when moving at those speeds. A simple miscalculation or lagging thought could end in disaster. After another round of attack, the only remaining Titans were far away; she came to rest nearby, covered with crimson stains that gave way to steam as they evaporated.

“How are your supplies?” he asked, gauging the distance and number of encroaching Titans.

“I took blades and canisters from a body,” she said grimly. “I should be good for now.”

“We have another two hours of this at most,” he allowed himself a quick glance in her direction. She was staring straight ahead into the oncoming throngs, her expression hollow.

She tapped her gas canister to check its levels. “That won’t go well unless we get supplies,”

“Then we need to be especially conservative while we take these ugly fucks down,” he said. “You take the ones on the right, I’ll clean up the left. Try to fire your hooks only once to get rid of multiple Titans.”

“Sir.” She was off like a shot.

By the time the retreat signals came, the battlefield was in complete chaos. Squads were either decimated or completely separated and it was practically impossible to tell what had gone on across the rest of the midline. Levi was also forced to make use of the many corpses littering the roofs and streets to replace his own equipment; the new supply squad was either dead or held up elsewhere. When the bells rang out, he yelled for soldiers to take whoever they could carry and make themselves scarce as soon as possible. He and those with the least amount of gas brought up the rear, trying to keep straggling Titans off those carrying victims.

Atop Wall Rose, Hange was already perched at the edge of the hoards of incoming survivors, corralling the injured and her own squads. He came to rest near Erwin and Mike, who were a small distance away looking out over what was left of humanity’s largest walled territory.

“At least a hundred thousand people have died,” Erwin said. “We don’t even know how many citizens in the mountainous and rural areas got left behind.”

The wind blew gently around them, and Mike gave a sniff. “Those bodies are going to be a problem by tomorrow.”

“We need to stage a cleanup of the immediate perimeter,” he explained. “The medics and cleanup crew personnel have informed me that we need to at least dispose of the bodies within a ten metre radius of the wall.”

“Great,” Levi said. “We’re sending them back after two days of hell to deal with the rotting corpses of their comrades.”

“This can never happen again,” Erwin growled. Levi noticed the heavy vellum clenched in his fist as he held it up. “I am now the commander of the Survey Corps. Whatever is left of it.”

He and Mike looked at their cohort in surprise. “Shadis didn’t go get himself killed, did he?”

“No, he was handing over the reins to me for a while,” Erwin explained. “That’s why you were promoted to Captain, and why Hange became a Major this year. I’ve been slowly building my own slate behind the scenes,” he watched as Aisha Kaur stumbled across the wall with a mangled soldier on her back. “I am going to make sure this means something.”

The men watched the sun disappear behind the clouds in silence; having divested herself of her charge, Aisha approached them quietly. Her small frame was covered in blood and dirt, and the wound on her back seemed to have reopened, seeping new wetness into her jacket.

“Good job,” Mike’s usually calm eyes were a little pained as he took in how pitiful she looked. “The others made it back before you did. They’ll be happy to know you’re fine.”

 _Fine is highly subjective_. Levi watched her touch the bloody patch on her shoulder, as if just remembering that she was injured. These kids were wrecked.

“I’ll sort out the particulars for our mission tomorrow and let the squad leaders know,”

Large brown eyes looked up at the new commander as he walked off, her mouth slightly ajar. She didn’t say anything as she clicked her 3DMG, rappelling to the street below. Mike and Levi watched her walk a short distance, her stride haunted and aimless. The figure of the usually gruff Instructor Gregor emerged from one of the buildings; he pulled the injured girl into a hug and even from a distance, they could see her shoulders shaking in misery.


	7. How the Years Condemn: The Aftermath, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song and lyrics are from Napalm Death.
> 
> Finally, I get to write some interaction between Aisha and Levi! Things should be picking up more in the next chapters. I have two written out already, but I've learned that those canon events actually happened a year later >.>
> 
> So, we're getting some more fluff before that. (Which is great, because they're probably the most bitter chapters I have *ever* written).

_We are not invincible,_  
_Nor are we indestructible._  
_There are choices—points of return._  
_Will the path be easy?_  
_Nothing is easy, but that's reality,_  
_For the sake of my loved ones—_  
_I will remain on this earth._  
  
_It's the last chance to face the fears._  
_I have always known better that than_  
_To fear the unknown._  
_How the years condemned my_  
_heart to a plague of madness._

[Year 845]

Another chilly night passed in tightly restrained terror. Many soldiers were far too shell-shocked to sleep, and those who managed woke up to a never-ending nightmare. The only souls spared from the grim cleanup operation were those too injured to manoeuvre; the soldiers were roused from sleep, given more rations and equipped with masks and gloves. Several teams of Survey Corps troops lured Titans away with the help of the garrison, while those on the ground scraped up what was left of their comrades and the many citizens who could not escape.

The cool breeze only served to spread the scent of decay as the morning trudged on; it stuck to the throats of the soldiers around, wafting into even the residential areas of Wall Rose. Every bit of human remains close to the walls was to be systematically collected and burned. Flies had already nested amongst the corpses, creating noisome maggots that moved through the flesh of sometimes-bloated bodies. Many of the soldiers had already relinquished what was left of their breakfast rations, and instead were reduced to dry heaving as they wrapped remains into sheets for transport.

Aisha completed the last hour of her shift, carrying bodies on stretchers to a large pyre with the aid of other soldiers. Looking on as flames consumed the marbled, discoloured skin, she tried not to think about Klaus on the rooftop in town. Part of her wanted to go and collect him…to give him some form of dignity—but the other part was scared of what she would find. She couldn’t watch that kind face distorted, his once cornflower blue eyes filled with maggots. The thought made her swallow convulsively, trying to keep the bile in her stomach where it was.

Unsurprisingly, no one was really eating when they returned to the camp. She stared into the mobile hearth that was set up, clutching a tankard of water; nothing would ever be the same again, she was sure of it. The Aisha that lived three days ago would not recognise the small girl in front of the fire, sitting with her knees drawn to her chest and trying to remain numb.

Kai and Marie had indeed survived—they managed to find her within an hour of her return to the base. Kai’s leg had been broken, not by a Titan, but by a loosened cannon on the wall. Marie had been assigned to the rear guard the day before, and sported a purple bruise on her pale face where shrapnel from a Titan’s attack on a building had hit her. One of her arms was also in a cast—not broken, but badly sprained by her fall. They both greeted Aisha with mingled happiness and relief, but she couldn’t bring herself to smile back.

The first sentence out of her mouth gutted them. “Klaus and Simon are dead.”

Kai slid off of his crutches into the grass next to her, while Marie clapped her uninjured hand over her mouth, tears leaking out of the corners of her green eyes.

“H-how?” Kai managed.

Aisha opened her mouth to explain and felt a sob wrack through her body. She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t even formulate the words.

“Leave her,” Marie said quietly, her voice shaking. “We don’t need to know. They’re gone anyway.”

Kai put a large hand over hers as she took an unsteady sip of water.

“I’m glad you’re alive, Aish.”

His friend looked back at him with an utterly defeated expression. “I’m not. All I feel is guilt. Every time I _feel_ something, I’m guilty about being here when they aren’t.”

The three cadets stared into the fire in silence—periodically broken by the cannons firing from the wall. Aisha could still smell death everywhere.

\---

The ensuing days were filled with chaos as refugees and Wall Rose citizens alike struggled to find food. The cadets—or what was left of them, where meanwhile relegated to their training barracks. Most of the survivors were recovering from various injuries, both physical and mental; it was not uncommon to be roused from an uneasy sleep by screams. Many times, Aisha found that the screams were hers.

On the seventh day after the attack ended, there was a large ruckus outside of the barracks; cadets filed out, still in their sleepwear, some crying because they thought there was another assault. The instructors were all huddled around the showers; a cadet had killed himself inside.

Days passed in alternating bouts of numbness and agony.

Families began coming by to find their loved ones. Every surviving soldier was interviewed to gain as much information about the dead and missing as was possible. A majority of these visits ended in heartbreak, but quite a few saw families being given more questions than answers; they were related to the ones who’d committed the ultimate sin. They’d fled in the face of the enemy, and were cut down for it. No one really knew what to tell the grieving relatives, therefore their superiors deigned to tell them nothing at all.

Aisha sent Ambros and Lotte a letter, lying and saying that she was fine.  
  
_Don’t waste the money to come see me. I’m all right._

The military found that it could spare no soldiers for an extended convalescence. With rising unrest in the walls, they needed more hands than ever. Shell-shocked, tattered cadets were thus sent to their assignments well before they were ready. Kai kept with his decision to join the Garrison Regiment, while Marie had made the difficult decision to take a Military Police assignment instead of joining the scouts. She’d seen too much, and never wanted to face a Titan ever again.

Aisha was adamant of staying where she felt that she belonged; the Survey Corps took the majority of the damage during the assault, with barely a hundred soldiers coming out alive. So many cadets had died or changed their minds about joining that she was one of only fifteen cadets who would assimilate with them this year. This ran against the general sentiment held by the population; given the terror that the citizenry felt during the two days of evacuation, the faith in the scouts was actually better than ever. The battle saw many older recruits coming out of their homes to enlist for the 102nd Training Corps, being spurred into action by some need to protect themselves and the ones they loved.

Commander Erwin had also made a very good impression; he was more charismatic than Shadis could ever hope to be. He was young, formidable in build and with traditional good looks that made him an instant favourite with the populace. With Captain Levi at his side, they represented humanity’s hope—the skilled, trustworthy tactician and his stoic, legendary, Titan-killing machine. Of course, many ordinary folks had never met either of them, and many reports from the battlefield were highly exaggerated. In this case, however, it did much to help the morale of prospective recruits.

It was also fairly obvious that a lot of people were also enlisting just to have a place to sleep and something to fill their stomachs. Rumblings of discontent were arising from food shortages and scuffles over rations or living arrangements were happening with alarming frequency.

Aisha had finished a long, difficult report to the commander about what had gone wrong during the mission. Erwin made it clear that soldiers were to submit a report and he would personally read each and every one of them. He would make sure that the travesty that occurred would never happen on that scale ever again. Aisha somehow found that she had faith in the man; from her few interactions and observances, he seemed quite the  _visionary_ to say the least. He had lofty plans that they could not begin to imagine. When she signed and dropped off her document, she was simultaneously given her assignment orders. With cold fingers, she broke the wax seal of the envelope to learn of her fate.

For the first time in days, she felt something other than cold numbness as her eyes widened in surprise: she had been specially requested by Major Mike Zacharias for his team. The wagon that would take her to the Survey Corps headquarters was already waiting; inside, she met Gelgar and Henning, both with similar disbelief etched into their faces.

“Carriage twenty?” Aisha quickly double-checked the letter. “You’re assigned to Major Zacharias too?”

“Yeah,” Henning flashed his own orders. “Cadets getting assigned to a high-ranking officer’s team, go figure.”

“I thought at first it meant that we were just going to be in his squad, probably under one of his team leaders but,” Gelgar moved around to make space for Aisha, “all of my other friends had letters that specifically said what team they’d be on. So that means we’re on his personal team.”

“I guess we impressed him,” the carriage set off with a lurch, with Aisha sandwiched between the comparatively bulky men. They gazed at each other in wonder; after the hell they’d gone through, none of them felt like particularly good soldiers. Too much had been lost for that.

Usually, cadets were phased into the many teams that formed a squad or platoon under a squad leader’s command; they were usually very picky about who was on their own teams, preferring to select those who’d distinguished themselves from other teams. It wasn’t uncommon to find that squad leaders would form their elite groups using only Corporals and Sergeants; soldiers who survived long enough to attain that rank were generally considered to be indispensible. Cadets were cannon fodder in comparison. Mike was known for being especially discriminating about his team—almost as much as Captain Levi, in fact. His team was built from powerhouses: the hardiest, most reliable soldiers.

The ride through Wall Rose was filled with many difficult sights along the way. Lines of people were waiting for rations with armed guards from the Military Police standing with rifles loaded and ready. The throngs stretched out for several streets, like an almost never-ending parade of misery. The carriages were held up at a few points the cadets learned quickly that each pause meant that either scuffles had broken out a supply wagon had come in. At one of the lulls in their journey, Aisha spotted three small children holding hands and waiting for their turn. Two boys and a girl—all very dirty and very thin; the brown haired boy and girl in her big red scarf seemed to be quite protective of the small blonde boy between them. Large eyes turned to the carriage as it drew to a halt, and she saw the brown haired boy’s face light up as he saw them. The girl remained impassive, while their little friend held on to their hands for dear life. Her heart breaking, Aisha managed a little smile and squeezed enough room to give a salute. The brown haired child positively beamed as he clumsily tried to do it himself, using the wrong hand. The carriage pulled off, and she felt a little bit of her remaining humanity being left in the distance with them.

\---

The Survey Corps headquarters was a little ways out of town, settled in a clearing after thickets of unruly trees and foliage. It was a fairly grand structure, encircled with huge walls and turrets; several buildings littered the compound, with the largest and most impressive being in the centre, where the commanding officers stayed. The three cadets disembarked their carriage and saluted their new squad leader, who was waiting with his only surviving team member, Nanaba.

“At ease,” he said quietly. “Congratulations, soldiers; you are all now Privates, second class.”

“Thank you, sir!”

“I specially requested all of you because you performed well in the field. The Corporal and I,” he gestured to Nanaba, “have decided that you all have what it takes.”

“Rest assured,” Nanaba continued, “we know you’re all still babies. You three are good, and you could become great soldiers. Providing you survive, we will see to that.”

“We’re grateful for the opportunity, ma’am,” Henning said.

“Good,” she said. “Now, I’ll show you three to the barracks. Major Zacharias is meeting with the other squad leaders, so it’ll just be us for the evening.”

The barracks were small cottage-like buildings spread around the compound; each team had two, one for males and females. Theirs was a short distance from the main building, shaded by two positively humongous pine trees that littered little green needles on every exposed surface. Nanaba left the men to their own devices in their barracks and showed Aisha where she would be sleeping. The quarters were spacious—perhaps not enough for the four women it was intended to hold, but for just the two of them, it was practically opulent.

Clean bed sheets and a quilted comforter lay folded on the end of a plain mattress; respectfully waving off the offer of help, she started dressing the bed.

“You’re very quiet,” Nanaba pointed out. “More than you were before, I mean.”

“Ma’am?”

“You can forget the formality, we’re roommates and teammates,” she said. “How are you coping, is what I mean to ask.”

Aisha let the sheet slip through her fingers and snap to the edge of the bed. “I’m taking it a minute at a time.”

“Have you spoken to anyone?”

“No,” she answered, unfolding the quilt and spreading it across the crisp surface. “I don't think I can.”

The older woman’s brow furrowed. “If you need to, you know you can talk to me…or Mike, for that matter. He’s taken an interest in you—more of a concern, honestly.”

Aisha looked at her with a mildly startled expression. “Have I done something?”

“He’s a bit of a silent den mother sometimes,” she said mildly. “To the younger ones like you. He's not one to really talk, but he's always tried to support his struggling squad members.”

The bitterness in her voice took Nanaba aback.

“That’s a new one. I guess I’ve never really had a mother, much less a surrogate.”

* * *

At dinner, the new Privates all huddled together on their own table in the mess hall. The numbers were, of course quite sparse, but there were just enough soldiers to fill half of the room, with the head table being reserved for the squad leaders and the commander. Levi took his seat next to Hange, who was already animatedly explaining her plans for her research squad to Erwin. Mike meanwhile, was sniffing the food on his plate; it was a disgusting habit, but he had to admit, the fare was a bit perplexing.

“What the fuck is this?” he moved a spoon through the yellowish sauce and rice.

“Some regional cuisine,” Hange said loftily. “A Lance Corporal in the dinner shift suggested it since we’re short of meat these days, and I think everyone has had it with beans. It’s rice with some sort of spiced sauce, potatoes and boiled eggs.”

“It looks like shit,” he cut through an egg stained by the sauce, heaping a small spoonful into his rice.

“Taste it, it’s not bad,” she had already gotten through most of her portion. Erwin had practically finished his, which was somewhat heartening, he supposed.

Taking a careful bite, he found that it was actually quite inoffensive. The spices weren’t something he was particularly used to, but it was a hearty enough meal. _Better than a constant barrage of beans, anyway._

“Well?” she nudged him with an elbow, earning a scowl.

“It’s not as gross as it looks,” he said. “Where’d it come from?”

“Some town all the way in the eastern outskirts of Maria,” Hange explained. “Apparently it was passed down for a few generations. Lance Corporal Dhavernas said some one of the old clans must’ve brought it in before they died out.”

“Those groups always seem so mythical, the way people speak about them,” Erwin said. “My father once told me about them; they weren’t clans per se, but different races of mankind.”

Hange nodded vigourously. “I found a book detailing a few of them from what was probably a guy selling stolen goods—“ Erwin gave her a stiff glare “—it was by a man who had this fascination with the all the different groups.” She produced a grubby notebook from her breast pocket, ignoring Levi’s deepening frown.

“That thing is fucking nasty,” he slid his food slightly away from her.

“It’s what I jot my working notes in,” she explained calmly, flicking through the crammed pages. “Ah, here. So, we had clans of people with these almond, angled eyes and straight hair—the Orientals; then he describes this clan with people who had skin as dark as mahogany, and the women had lush, pillowy hair that made him want to sleep in it. They were usually very toned, with distinctive, beautiful faces. He didn’t have a name for them, but he seemed pretty obsessed.”

Levi made a disgusted face. “By that description, I think I know why.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter, geez,” she chided. “The man’s just waxing poetic. Anyways, there’s one last one that he knows about which provided him with the most confusion. They were almost not a clan in a way, seeing as they could all look quite different, but they all apparently came from the same place—they generally had dark eyes and hair and what he described as various shades of ‘glowing olive skin’. He was pretty preoccupied with the women here too; he said they usually had thick brows and striking features, which depended on the type of ‘families’ they mixed with. They tended to intermarry and just keep creating more and more varieties within the clan.”

“I have never seen any of those,” Erwin remarked. “Pity, because it seemed as though humanity might’ve been richer for it.”

“You might’ve seen at least one,” Hange said, gesturing to the table of new scouts. “Flowery writing aside, his sketches of some of those women in the third clan look like Private Kaur. I thought of the book the first time I saw her at the training yard.”

Levi studied the girl’s face passively. “The brat does stick out.”

“What happened to them?” Mike asked quietly. “The clans.”

“Well, it seems as though humanity is either going to be worshipful or completely ignorant about difference,” Hange sighed. “They were considered to be freaks…desirably exotic ones at that. So they ended up hunted to extinction because of fear, or because people wanted to own them.”  
  
Levi took a sip from his tankard. The image of the girl sitting with that old, washed-up soldier appeared in his mind. “Begs the question though: if they’re all gone, how did she slip through the cracks?”  
  
“I wanted to ask her about it but,” Hange propped her chin onto her arm tiredly, “the kid’s probably not in the best frame of mind.”

“She isn’t coping well,” Mike added. “She thinks she’s hiding it, but it’s obvious she might be the least recovered of the three she came in with.”

When she met his probing eyes looking like prey in a snare, Levi had to agree.

* * *

The burning ache in the middle of her shoulder blades was somehow soothing; Aisha swung the axe again, splitting a log neatly in two. Nearby, Gelgar was heaving bales of hay for the horses, cursing through the searing sun. He straightened up and wiped his brow, leaning on the pitchfork that he stuck into the ground.

“Are you not tired yet?”

Aisha reluctantly paused, looking over at the steadily growing pile of firewood. “Not particularly. In any case, you guys will get enough firewood from this so you two don’t have to chop any.”

“I mean, thanks and all—but you’ve been at it for more than an hour,” he pointed out. “What about your injuries?”

“Major Hange took out my stitches yesterday,” she positioned another log on the chopping block. “I’m fine.”

The half-truth slipped out with ease—some times were more _fine_ than others. Right now, with her muscles sore, her vision blurred by sweat and her mind consumed with effort, she felt fine. The lulling moments of reflection on the other hand…those were the most difficult moments to get through. Her teammate sighed, and began putting away his tools. They always asked, but given that the same answer time and time again, they quickly gave up.

“Hey, Aisha?” he turned a little as he was about to leave.

“Hm?”

“Dinner is in an hour. Just make sure to be early this time.”

There was a loud _crack_ as the axe descended. “Thanks.”

The gravity-fed showers in the barracks were only a smidgen more comfortable than the ones at the Training Corps. There was a strict rule about heater use, thus most recruits found themselves bathing in cold water unless it was nighttime. These rules would only be relaxed in colder months, keeping fuel wastage to an absolute minimum. Aisha scrubbed irritably at her skin under the cool torrent, trying very hard to concentrate on the task at hand. There was little to be done besides menial chores these days; the corps was making some attempt at keeping their new recruits wrapped in gauze and padding before they began training in earnest. In all honestly, Aisha would have preferred to be thrown into the thick of it. Rest was not something that passed quickly amongst the shell-shocked soldiers; most dreaded the idea of going to bed.

Turning off the spray, she toweled dry as quickly as she could, braiding her still-damp hair and forming it into something passably professional before donning her civilian clothing. After five in the evening when duties were through, most soldiers shed their uniforms, preferring to wear their own clothes as they enjoyed their little time unoccupied. It was _expressly_ frowned upon to show up to dinner in one’s uniform unless it was a special occasion…which was what Aisha had done the day before, as she’d had no time to change. Nanaba had taken her aside and kindly explained the unspoken rule—it showed indiscipline at worst, and a lack of time management at best. The only ones who would be in uniform at dinner would be those coming out of punishment—right off the track where they would have been doing drills.

She made the extra effort of wearing her good boots today as if to make up for her previous indiscretion. She threaded buttons through with the slim wiry hook and hoped that in some juvenile, roundabout way it would at least show Major Zacharias that she was serious about the customs of military life. It seemed as though his concerned attention was growing with the passing days, and she didn’t want to appear weak and affected. It began with odd checkups during the day’s tasks—and continued even in meal times when she could feel the calm blue eyes boring into the back of her skull as she ate. _I didn’t come here to be a baby again_ she thought bitterly. _There just comes a point where kindness is insulting._

Moblit, one of the new recruits assigned to Major Hange, was picking at his baked potatoes and stewed beans with a pensive look as she approached.

“Indigestion?” she quipped, settling down next to him with her plate; nearby, the other trainees, as hungry as they probably were—seemed all a little more on edge than usual.

“We’re on the next expedition,” he said quietly.

Aisha felt a small thrill of anxiety settle into the pit of her stomach. She pushed the meal away. “That would do it, yeah. When did they tell us?”

“Commander Smith sent word just now,” he explained. “We’re training in earnest tomorrow.”

She massaged her numbed hands together. “We couldn’t hide here forever, I guess. When is it?”

“We don’t really know,” he said. “I’d expect the government is giving more trouble than usual, so he’s negotiating a date.”

Aisha looked up at the head table, where the squad leaders were dining and chatting as if nothing were amiss.

“You think we’ll get like them?”

Moblit followed her line of sight. “If we survive, who knows. Major Hange though…she’s…”

“Hard to deal with?”

The boy visibly wilted. “She’s not…stern, really, she’s just a bit… _odd_.”

“Well, I mean mine sniffs people,” she said matter-of-factly. “It's become quite charming, actually. I think everyone has their thing.”

“What d’you think the Captain’s thing is?”

“Aside from scaring the piss out of rookies?” she asked, managing a small smile. “I dunno. If he’s like them, we’ll find out soon enough.”

“It’s getting cold,” Moblit shifted his food around with a sigh. “I can’t waste it, not with what’s going on outside.” He took a pained bite.

He had a point. People outside of the military were barely getting by; she wondered if Ambros and Lotte would have enough to eat regularly. They were used to deprivation in the Underground, but the disaster that was looming was beyond anything they could have anticipated. Her mind then wandered to those three children from the ration line.  
  
Aisha scooped up a mouthful of food and forced herself to chew.

* * *

The wind picked up to a buffeting gale; Levi remained impassive in its chilly embrace, making his way to the mess hall with a calm stride. Tonight was more restless than most. He’d already gone over his room with a fine-toothed comb, and then he’d cleaned and re-assembled his gear. The horses were all asleep, so there was no chance for a ride; therefore he decided to walk the grounds to put his restless mind at ease. He was walking towards the training forest when he noticed that the lamps in the hall were still lit—everyone would have been in bed hours ago.

The dining room was empty, though lit dimly by a few stray lamps that were left on. The fire had been tended as well, and cast a warm glow across the worn floorboards. Someone had wiped down all the surfaces, and had swept up better than usual. He was used to the relative sloppiness of some of the soldiers when it came to mess hall duty, and was apt to make them do it all over again if he found it. A small bustle of activity was occurring below, where the kitchens were located in the cellar. At the foot of the stairs, Private Aisha Kaur came into view as she shifted from the work tables to the large sinks; there was the faint aroma of something cooking—no, baking.

“Taking up housewifery instead of being a soldier, brat?”

She didn’t jump at the sound of his voice, but he noted the startled look in her eyes as she turned to face him. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“So, you decided to use up our rations?” he walked into the room and pulled a chair at the worktable.

“Just the extras,” she said cautiously. “We’re getting our supplies tomorrow, and some of this stuff was going to be thrown out. Besides, I didn't use anything expensive.”

He watched her pull a thick kitchen towel from the table and carefully divest the oven of its contents, placing it gingerly on the table. Swinging the cloth over her shoulder, she moved across to the cabinet and placed a mug before him. He raised an eyebrow at her and she remained unruffled.

“I thought you’d want a cup of tea,” she said simply, scooping fragrant black leaves into one of the smaller ceramic teapots before filling it with steaming water from the heavy cast-iron kettle.

“Who was on duty this evening?” he ran a finger over the work surface. Not a trace of flour or dirt.

“Henning,” she replied, putting out a pair of plates. “He cleaned up earlier.”

“But you re-did it,” he met her eyes and for the first time, she appeared a little sheepish.

“He was tired halfway through and I didn’t feel like resting,”

He scoffed. “Keep doing that and they’ll think you want to fuck them. And then they’ll never learn how to sweep a floor properly.”

Aisha stifled a grin; she looked markedly less haggard and miserable, but she still seemed perpetually exhausted. “It’s not like that.”

He’d bet it wasn’t. Soldiers were never that simple—even the young ones; he knew the look of someone desperate to keep themselves occupied. It left little room for introspection, and thus gave a little respite from the pain. She poured the tea, and slid over a plate of what she’d made; it was a circlet of puffy pastry, with some sort of mingled fruit topping. He’d seen these before, being sold by the crippled old soldier with the dark hair.

“If this is any indication, I expect that you won’t be feeding me shit when it’s your turn on the dinner roster,” he said plainly.

“I’m…taking that as a compliment,” she said mildly.

“Now are you going to talk about why you haven’t been sleeping, or will you make us a three-course meal before that?” he stabbed a section of the tart and took a bite.

_Might as well start calling her pastry girl instead._

Her gaze slipped and she sighed. “Nightmares.”

“So your solution is sleep deprivation. Becoming Titan food because you can’t keep yourself awake in training is a good way to get rid of bad dreams, though, let me tell you.”

“So why are you awake?” she asked—just a little accusatorily.

“Maybe I had to take a shit,” he shrugged. Her answering laugh was the first genuinely joyous sound he’d heard her make.

“Down here, in the mess hall,” she nodded sarcastically. “Understood, sir.”

“I could make you run laps until dawn,” he sipped his tea. “Or you could start communicating like an adult about why you can’t perform like a normal human being.”

The smile faded from her face; she pulled a chair, one hand turning the little locket around her neck pensively. He let the silence reign for a bit as he continued eating.

“I didn’t listen to you,” she said finally. “About the regret thing, that is. I regret what happened out there almost every moment.”

“Listen,” he met her eyes sternly. She was probably just as young as Isabel had been when… _No._ He crushed that thought at once. “You will never know how things would have turned out otherwise. You weren’t prepared to go out there, and you didn’t expect it to go that way. There’s nothing you can do about that but move on.”

She nodded slowly, her face forlorn. “I _try_ to think that but…when ever I’m not occupied, whenever I have the time to think, it just…”

“You didn’t recover them or get to bury them, did you?”

“No,” Aisha traced a knot in one of the planks on the work surface. “Simon was eaten whole and Klaus was too far away.”

Levi thought of his two comrades, lying broken on the battlefield—alone and left in the rain. “Then maybe you should say goodbye.”

She looked up again. “Sir?”

“Paint a rock or something,” he said with a shrug. “Carve something into a fucking tree, I don’t care. Just do something that tells yourself that you’re letting them go.”

Her expression softened a little. “I’ve never thought of that. I’ll write to my other friends—it seems like something we should do together.”

He finished the rest of the tartlet; an odd feeling was settling into his chest. Isabel had a voracious sweet tooth; he and Farlan would spoil her every so often with something from the market. She was particularly fond of those tarts that Ambros sold—one day, she’d even convinced him to give her one for free with her incessant wailing.

“I’ve seen these before,” he said quietly. “Where did you learn to make them?”

She gave a wry smile. “That’s a conversation that warrants a me making five course meal before I can talk about it.”

“If I catch you down here again you’ll have to,” he said darkly. “Now get to bed, tank girl.”  
  
She winced a little at the nickname. If he hadn’t thought the dim light was playing tricks on him, he would have sworn there was a tinge of pink on her dusky cheeks.

* * *

Aisha’s sleep that night was dreamless, for the first time since Wall Maria had fallen. She awoke to the wakeup call uncharacteristically groggy, her body feeling heavy and unwilling to extricate itself from the bed. Nanaba was already up and about, leaving the younger woman to stumble halfheartedly into the showers. She hissed as the cold water hit her skin, each nerve in her body springing to life with a vengeance.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she sang under her breath, trying to lather up and get out of there as quickly as possible. She could hear Nanaba give a muffled laugh as she passed by.

“You’re livelier than usual,” she called.

“I actually slept last night,” Aisha felt a strange little twinge in the pit of her stomach at the memory. “The Captain and I had a talk.”

“Well now,” Nanaba sounded genuinely surprised. “He’s not known for his approachability, but I’m glad it helped. I’ll head to the mess hall; we can go down to the training forest together later, the rookies are doing drills today.”

Aisha cut the spray off, and bundled her frigid body into a towel. With winter approaching, the air was getting uncomfortably brisk on mornings; the southern areas of Walls Rose and Maria never really saw snow, but they could not escape the dry, bitter cold. A button-down was not going to cut it today—she dug through her sparse trunk of belongings and extracted a cream flannel shirt with a high-necked collar, throwing an extra scarf around her neck for good measure. As she pinned up the snarling waves of hair, she thought back to their training exercises in the frigid north with a shudder. It was probably the closest she’d ever come to failing her training, or just quitting so she could go home to a warm fire.

Breakfast passed quickly, with the rookies being shepherded to their squad leaders for the trek down to the training forest. Aisha caught sight of Moblit fussing over his superior, trying to get her to take a small sandwich that he’d taken from the hall. Hange, as eccentric as ever, was still nose-deep in her copious notes about the Titans that soldiers reported in the battle.

 _I guess Mike must be a catch_ she glanced at her own leader, who was busy sniffing at the air. _He’s weird, but at least I don’t have to remind him to feed himself._ She turned back and caught a glimpse of Hange’s unkempt, slightly oily hair. _Or bathe, for that matter._

* * *

Eld paused his brushing, eyes darting towards the line of passing recruits.

“Captain, are we headed to help them?”

Levi raised his head from his tankard of water impassively. “Erwin requested that we go. We’ll give them a good fifteen minutes to settle down, fucking bratty kids.”

His eyes narrowed slightly as Eld continued to stare. “Are snot-nosed rookies especially interesting to you, or something?”

He had the grace to look embarrassed. “Ah, no not really.”

“Then why are you staring at them like a creep in a schoolyard?”

Eld’s voice was a little ashamed. “I’ve never really seen a girl like that before, is all. I’d never had a good chance to look at her in the mess hall—she always put herself in the hard to see corners.”

Levi followed his line of sight to Private Kaur. “Perhaps she doesn’t like being stared at, dipshit.”

“Sorry sir,” he continued his brushing. “She is very pretty though.”

The Captain rolled his eyes inwardly. _Fucking snot-nosed kids and their damn hormones._


	8. Alibis: The Aftermath, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little slower and more focused on some Aisha/Levi interaction; things are going to go from 0 to 200 really fast from the next one!
> 
> Chapter title and lyrics by The Birthday Massacre.

_There is a shadow here,_  
_But there's no light behind me._  
_The stains of blood on the floor_  
_Serve to remind me,_  
_The time is drawing near._  
_Turns like a knife inside me._  
_I've never wanted it more,  
_ _Come stand beside me._

 

“Come on Aisha!” Mike’s deep voice reverberated through the thick foliage.

With a breath, she sprung into action, hands moving herself back and off of the horse; there was little room for error in a manoeuvre like this—either you timed it right, or you could get up close and personal with a horse’s hooves at sixty miles per hour. Grappling hooks shot into the trees, and adrenaline surged as she swung through the air, eyes alert and searching for targets.

“She’s definitely got some finesse,” Nanaba’s voice was amused from her perch above.

“You don’t get points for putting on a show,” Levi said evenly. “Though, she managed to actually get _off_ of the horse, which is more than I can say for some of the others.”

“Well, I mean, at least we didn’t have any smashed skulls or massive brain injuries,” Hange pointed out cheerfully. “Just a fractured femur.”

Levi’s response was as deadpan as ever. “Yeah, slow moving dinner instead of brain dead dinner. The Titans will appreciate their retained ability to scream before they get eaten.”

He swooped into the trees at the perimeter of the course, moving quickly towards the soldiers manning the Titan analogues. He could hear her approach in the distance and held up a hand to pause the boy below from swinging the wooden frame into view.

_Closer…closer…_

_There._

He signaled with a few seconds to spare; the answering shriek was amusing, to say the least—but to her credit, the girl didn’t crash into the dummy. With a far less graceful movement, she flipped in the air to avoid the wooden Titan’s ‘mouth’. A hook was shot into a nearby tree, snagging her forward momentum almost to a halt; she made a little noise of protest as the harness bit into her skin, but followed through, turning enough to reach the nape.

 _Not bad, tank girl._ He watched her hang against the tree after cutting down the padded target. She shook her limbs a little to work off the adrenaline buzz and moved on.

Even Eld wasn’t that smooth when he came into the corps—he had more stopping power, obviously, but his control had been wrought through practice, not instinct. If she managed to stay alive, that is, she could be a force to be reckoned with given enough training.

At the end of the course, the commander was waiting for the team and squad leaders to report in for each recruit’s progress through the forest. This was their first big test after a full month of training. Some passed, some failed; those who fell into the latter category got a nice dose of drills to either work on their aim, their horseback riding or their usage of the 3DMG.

“Levi?” Erwin looked down at the clipboard. Nearby, the girl was leaning exhaustedly against a tree with a canteen in hand—her eyes however, were focused on the commander. He was the last leader on the course, and thus the last to hand in an evaluation for Private Kaur’s performance.

“She got through my trap,” Levi said simply. “Good instincts, little sloppy on the rebound but overall, not as fucking useless as some of the others.”

The commander made notes, probably omitting the profanity. “Any recommendations?”

“Some of her cuts were nearly too shallow, she needs to work on her arms,” he continued. “She’s not the biggest kid in the world, so she needs to build the strength that doesn’t come as naturally as her speed does.”

Erwin sighed and looked up from the board. “You know, almost every recruit has had a similar report. It’s either their strength, or their endurance—problems they didn’t have in training.”

“Given the ration situation, the little shits are probably not building a lot of muscle,” Levi said frankly. “They’re underfed. A fucking barrage of potatoes doesn’t change the fact that they barely see enough protein.”

Hange appeared at the commander’s side. “It’s going to get worse before it gets better, I’m afraid. I’ve heard it’s becoming utter hell outside. They’ve started sending refugees to plant crops, but we’re just running out of viable land.”

“Too many mouths to feed,” Erwin signed the form and handed it off to Hange. “Give that to Mike, and send the recruits back to the barracks. I know they’re sticking around to hear the date that we’re heading out, but I can’t give that to them.”

“So, it’s true,” Levi said. “We’re going to be sitting on our asses here for a while.”

“You’ve all suspected,” he nodded, “and you were right. The government hasn’t approved our expedition. They’re up to something.”

“Tch. They’re probably labouring their empty pig brains for a plan to save themselves, before a riot breaks out,” the shorter man said snidely. “They’re going to have to hope that a lot of refugees simultaneously drop dead or the Titans decide to march in a line out of Wall Maria.”

“The first suggestion is what worries me.” With that, the commander walked away, leaving an ominous silence in his wake.

\---

November was fast approaching its end, and no one was sure about when the corps would be out again. Even the once-anxious rookies had become antsy, itching to use their skills and leave the safety of Wall Rose. Tonight, the full moon illuminated the landscape, the brisk air waving through the trees in a relaxing rhythm. Captain Levi walked the grounds somewhat aimlessly, his mind wandering back to his many winters in the Underground. There’d been a few nights where he’d awoken to find Isabel had snuck into his room, her cold hands pressed against his back for warmth. She would alternate between him and Farlan, until they simply decided to place all three mattresses in the room with the fireplace. She’d been ecstatic at the idea, not even murmuring a complaint when Levi insisted that the floor be absolutely _spotless_ before he would deign to sleep on it.

He’d never been a man for a family until he had somehow accumulated one. Being a loner was simple; it minimised the unknowns. He was a one-man island. Then Farlan had appeared out of convenience, and he suddenly had a best friend. They got on well enough, and he had learned Levi’s quirks early—forging an easy companionship. Then Isabel showed up, and he suddenly had a sister. She came with her own eccentricities, most of which he would never admit that he missed. Ratty, stubborn and loud, she had been so _pure_.

Then it had all vanished in an instant. Levi was once again alone. He continued his silent journey through the collection of officers’ barracks until he caught sight of movement near the shade of a large pine. An old well stood behind one of the buildings—it had been filled and bricked over, providing little more than a spot to place spare goods. It was empty now, except for the very obvious outline of someone lying supine and staring up at the passing clouds. He didn’t need to think twice to know who it was. A small part of him wondered why this had become so routine—and it was ignored soundly as usual.

“I thought you said the nightmares stopped, brat.”

She had heard his footsteps approaching, crunching through the needles and grass. “They did, but I still couldn’t sleep. I’m restless.”

Her head turned a little towards him, and he could spot where several pine needles had worked themselves into her hair. It was a little bit confusing to realise that he’d just made sense of why her hair always smelled like pine trees. He’d never really been aware of knowing that in the first place, so he paid it no mind. A little discomforted, he shifted his gaze to the moon as clouds wisped by.

“It’s a good night for a ride,” he murmured. “Visibility has been shitty with the cloud cover all month.”

“It would’ve been a great time to be out there, I guess,” she observed quietly.

He gave her a sidelong glance. “You want to go on expeditions now?”

“It’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?” he could hear the smile in her voice. “I want to do my part. Why is it taking so long to start one?”

“Bureaucracy,” he said sourly. “Fucking bastards who never see danger in their lives are dictating how we live ours.”

“’What’s the use though? Wouldn’t it be best to get a route through what’s left of the Wall Maria territory as soon as possible? The commander said that our first mission would be the most dangerous, and that conditions would probably get worse with each day,”

He scoffed. “Since when did the government give a shit about us and our objectives?”

“Then why have us around?” she became pensive. “Why pretend? Just disband the corps then.”

“It’s more complicated than just getting rid of us, brat. Politics is a slimy business.” Levi explained. He could still remember the rumblings of discontent that made one pig in particular want to murder Erwin Smith. “But don’t think they haven’t considered sending us all on a suicide mission—if it wouldn’t look bad, we’d all be dead.”

She was perplexed. “I always knew they thought about themselves over the rest of us, I mean—it’s pretty obvious. But what good is this?”

“Who fucking knows? I suppose when you have enough money, it starts making sense.” He stiffened a little as a gale of wind brought a chill right to his bones. “Come on, get up.”

She sat up, surprised; little pine needles were falling off of her dress. “What?”

“We're going for a ride. We might as well do something constructive…unless you _want_ to stay here and keep staring at the moon like an idiot schoolgirl.”

She hopped off the well with a grin, pulling her thick blue scarf a little tighter. Watching her practically skip towards the stables, he had to admit that his recently dug up sentimentality was beginning to make him worry.

\---

It was a perfectly gorgeous night—just like the one before he, Farlan and Isabel had gone on their first expedition. Levi pushed his reliable mare, going at an eye-watering pelt through the trees of the training forest. Behind him, he could hear Aisha coaxing her own horse forward, her voice a little unsure every time the moon was hidden in the clouds, enveloping them in darkness. At the very least, she’d learn to rely on her hearing at this rate. He continued weaving through the path, coming to rest at the creek that the squad leaders had so loved to booby-trap for rookies. If there was one spot where they would ensure at least _one_ person fell, it was here.

He dismounted and led the horse to the bank, patting her absently as she dipped her head for water. Isabel had named all of their horses the year before; his was aptly called Sky, after the coveted horizons that they’d finally seen firsthand. Farlan and Isabel’s steeds, Willow and Freedom had died with their riders. It was almost ironic, really. He could still remember looking down at where Farlan’s remains were scattered, with Freedom lying broken nearby. He’d been overwhelmed with the bizarre desire to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

A pattering of hooves told him that Aisha had finally caught up, leading the younger horse she’d called Azur by his bridle. It was a strange name—when pressed, she couldn’t recall where she first heard it, just that it was a name she’d known for a long time. The horse had taken up the habit of nosing at her face when she was dismounted; it was something that Mike had warned her about a few times. These horses weren’t pets, and begging for attention was a sign of being spoiled.  
“That was a lot more difficult than I thought,” she admitted, stroking Azur as he pushed his face to hers. The frigid air had left a trace of colour high on her cheeks.

“It’s a useful skill,” he said, watching the moon slowly vanish again. “Out there every fucking thing can go wrong.”

The thought of the blinding rain made a quiet rage awaken in the back of his mind. Even then, there was no helping it by relying on his hearing—the landscape had become a blanket of dull, white noise….

“Captain?” her voice was quiet and tentative in the darkness. “Do you think the corps will succeed?”

“We don’t have a choice, kid,” he said plainly. “What are we fighting for?”

“For humanity—for freedom, right?”

Levi had once thought that _freedom_ meant getting out of that disgusting sewer of a town. After trading a stone roof for stone walls, he realised that he’d been a fool. He had learned from a young age that some were always content to stay in their cages. He had also learned that a cage was a convenient place to be eaten up by the world. Who was to say that the ultimate freedom lived outside of these walls, when the world operated in a system of chaining those within it?

“We’re also fighting for survival,” he told her. “For every child, every cowardly fuck in this place, for every shitfaced politician—we’re working to change the way things are.”

In the dim light, he could discern a slightly solemn expression. “It almost feels wrong to think about whether I’ll be there to see it,” she sighed. “It feels selfish.”

He scoffed. “Don’t apologise for wanting better for yourself. You’re already putting your life on the line; denying yourself further isn’t more noble, it just makes you a good doormat.” As the clouds shifted, he reached for a little-used pocket watch that Hange had given him. “Let’s get a move on.”

* * *

  
Aisha would have been lying if she said that her late night trysts had not become something she looked forward to since the Captain started coming around. He was an intimidating man, but his presence was strangely comforting. Though he’d been in the corps for only a year longer, he was already a hardened and experienced soldier. She was also still battling with the little anxious feeling in her gut that made it far more difficult to act as though she was unaffected. She was almost always waiting—either in the library with a book, in the mess hall with tea or just on the grounds; he would almost always stumble upon her as he wandered around. Sometimes he would stick around, others he would give some sort of cutting remark and leave her to her own devices.

 _He’s very guarded, isn’t he?_ Aisha’s curiosity was tempered only by her desire to not piss him off…but nonetheless; it felt as though progress was coming an inch at a time.

She warmed her hands on the teacup before her. “Captain?”

He gave her a look to indicate that he was listening.

“Why do you hold your cup like that?”

“You don’t get to ask nosy questions until you answer what I asked you already,” he said plainly.

Aisha wilted slightly. “About where I learned to bake?” she stared into the newly tended fire in the hearth. “My adoptive grandmother taught me.”

“That’s half-assed,” Levi was giving her a steady glare over his mug. “You lived in the Underground.”

She suddenly remembered Ambros’ words the day Wall Maria fell. “You knew Ambros Krause?”

“We knew of one another,” he explained simply. “Is he your father?”  
  
Her expression darkened. “No, he took me in. I don’t really remember my father too well.”

Levi’s voice was filled with sardonic amusement. “Seems to be the token story down there. The old woman who came to see you was his mother, then.”  
  
“She is,” Aisha sipped her tea. “I was left with him and Lotte when I was about five. No one has ever really told me why.”

“Your parents lived on the surface,” he observed. “The fucks in the Military Police would send anyone without citizenship right back.”

She nodded. “Ambros and Lotte have surface citizenship too. I’ve worked out enough to know that they—well, _we_ , were all down there because someone on the surface was uncomfortable. I’m assuming you lived there too, right?”

“I forgot that you haven’t been around long enough for the rumour mill to catch up,” he said mildly; his face had taken on a grim cast. “I wasn’t as lucky to be born on the surface, however.”

“So how did you get out?” she asked cautiously. To get out of that hellhole was a feat…and usually one wrought with vicious and highly illegal stakes.

“I made a deal,” he rose from his char. “Make sure you wash all of this shit before you head in.”

Aisha was left staring at his broad back as he turned to leave. A feeling of disappointment was settling into her chest; he paused.

“The first time I saved up for tea, the cup I bought had a handle that broke before I could even take a sip,” he said without turning back. “Spilled it everywhere.”

She smiled sadly. “Thank you.”

_Just one inch at a time._

* * *

Levi’s strong hands moved across his floorboards again, working his energy into pushing polish into the wood. There were few things he could think to do to occupy himself anymore. He’d left abruptly, pushing away the intrusive thoughts as they arose, resigning himself to forced indifference again.

He’d never seen her in the Underground. She’d obviously never had an inkling of who he was, despite his infamy; Ambros and his mother had sheltered her from the workings of their world as much as they’d sought to protect her from its evils. He recalled seeing that old woman arriving on a special visit weeks ago—one requiring the permission of the commander. Erwin had probably just signed the forms without giving them much notice; with the corps on standby, a family visit wasn’t a big deal. The girl had just had a birthday, and true to her style, she wasn’t making a thing of it. If the woman hadn’t shown up, no one would have even known. As he and Eld trotted their horses around the edge of the training forest, he could see them sitting in the grass, talking. The woman’s eyes—still bright and alert, found him. They were knowing and vaguely unsettling.

Four-eyes was quite right when she’d spoken about how persons could be hunted down and trafficked like cattle. She’d never seen it first hand, however. The more _exotic_ you appeared, the more likely that you could be a target; he had fledgling memories of his mother giving into the need for bodies and bought attention. The ones who were sold could arguably have a much better time…or worse, depending on who was holding their chains. They had no chance of freeing themselves; their children were also likely to be slaves as well.

Where had she come from? And why did this bother him so much?

Another night passed with a fitful discourse between his yet unnamed feelings and the side that knew better.


	9. Born Dead, Buried Alive: The Aftermath, Part 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may actually be one of the bitterest things I’ve ever written; it’s fitting because I began writing it watching coverage of the Nice, France attack and then the attempted coup in Turkey. Then while I was editing it the Munich attack happened. I don’t think I had it in me to write about something nice.
> 
> Does anyone feel like the world is crashing down around us this year?
> 
> Song by The Agonist.

_Brainwash young minds—they will learn what you teach; practice what you preach.  
_ _Brainwash young hearts—breed corruption._

_Didn't you expect when you built your empire on pillars of cadavers…_  
_Genocide yields power—you built your empire on murder._  
_…that it would corrode with time?  
_ _Say, how do you justify?_

_I lock eyes with the black monolith towering over me._  
_I lock eyes with the black monolith,_  
_In my reflection I see our name printed far too many times,  
_ _Over and over again._

[Year 846]

February of the next year heralded a slew of windy evenings, promising rain and little comfort for the corps. There was a distinct lack of murmuring when Aisha entered the mess hall. The usually voracious soldiers hadn’t touched their stew, which signaled something amiss.

“What’s the matter? Have we resorted to eating the horses or something?”

“No—no it’s venison, I think. It’s actually really good today,” Moblit spooned a mouthful of the thick liquid and let it fall again. “We’ve just been hearing a lot of concerning rumours. Haven’t you caught wind of it yet?”

This wasn’t the first time Aisha’s lack of socialisation was coming around to bite her. “What is it?”

“People are beginning to starve,” he said quietly. “The government has decided that we’re to take back Wall Maria.”

“How?” Aisha stared. “They’ve shelved us for months when we could have started a supply line. I mean, we don’t have the technology to plug that hole _now_ , right? Major Hange said it could take years—decades.”

“She’s right,” he agreed. “But…they’re not sending us soldiers. They’re conscripting ordinary people.”

Her insides worked themselves into a tense, cold knot. “You’re sure about this.”

“I asked the Major. She didn’t answer me but she looked really concerned about it,” he explained. “It’s insane.”

Aisha looked up to the head table, noting that Commander Smith was nowhere to be seen. Most of the other soldiers were pale with worry, their food untouched.

There was more silence as the soldiers’ brief respite drew to a close. It seemed like the nightmare would never end.

\---

  
Days later, their worst fears were confirmed. The list of conscripts had arrived; each tense squad leader read a statement detailing that government wanted to ‘safeguard’ the corps after what they’d gone through. Shaking lines of soldiers stood at ease and listened to the disbelieving voices as they spoke of how brave and noble these conscripts would be. How they would reclaim the lost land and bring glory for humanity.

Aisha was one of the many soldiers filing into the main barracks to thumb through the enormous book of names; the top brass had insisted that they would come in teams—leaving on-edge platoons desperately waiting for their turn. From their barracks, they could hear the wails of those who’d read the names of loved ones. When it was Team Zacharias’ turn, Henning went first; neither Nanaba nor the Major had any family to be concerned about, so they stood back, stern-faced and mouths set into a grim line.

“N-no one,” he wiped sweating hands on his trousers, backing away from the book as though it was some sort of wild animal.

Gelgar stepped forward and began looking for his family name with trembling fingers. Aisha felt her heart pounding with building terror; with each flicked page her breathing became shallower. When he stepped back with a relieved noise, her pulse began hissing in her ears with a dull roar. She could barely feel the heavy pages between her fingers as she looked for the name _Krause._

A fleeting sense of relief arose, as she didn’t see Ambros’ name. Her eyes slid involuntarily into the column of women as she caught a glance of something familiar.

_Krause, Lotte._

No.

This couldn’t be right.

She kept reading the two words, a sickening sense of numbness spreading to her limbs. There was a crash as the book hit the floor; her teammates all called out in a rush as she yanked the door open and fled. She could vaguely hear them yelling as she launched herself into the yard, past a surprised Eld and Captain Levi, careening at full-speed into the stables.

* * *

  
Levi and his subordinate stared after the girl for a second, before registering that her entire team was in pursuit. She’d already gotten the standby horse—the only one kept ready to ride at all times—and was disappearing up the path in the forest.

“What the fuck is her problem?” Levi automatically pulled a saddle from the cache and heaved it to Mike, who’d turned a mild shade of red from his sprint.

“The conscription list,” he said, bridling his mare. He looked back at Henning and Gelgar as he mounted the horse. “Either of you know who she saw on the list?”

“No, sir,” Henning was panting.

Levi had quickly equipped his own horse with Nanaba’s assistance. “Come on, we have to find the brat before she gets herself arrested. Eld, saddle yours and follow us.”

The men took off at full speed, keeping a neck and neck pace.

“She should be headed to the training yard,” Levi suggested. “That’s where all the activity is.”

Across the landscape, they could barely make out her figure as it sped into town. Luckily, the congested streets were able to slow her progress, so as they approached the grounds, they found that she had abandoned the horse and was pelting through the crowd on foot. The commanders of the three regiments were atop the stage, supervising what they could all only term as a pathetic display. Even the most stringent of government supporters could not fathom the meaning of this.

People caught sight of the three men, parting at the fierce look on Mike’s face. Aisha was within reach, but she seemed to start forward as she caught sight of the person signing their name in the admittance book. A muscled arm caught hers, pulling her back and caging her against a solid chest. Levi stepped around the two, catching Erwin’s eye as he scanned the crowd. He quitted the stage, approaching with long strides. Some observers looked on the verge of accosting him, but stood warily in the face of Military Police rifles.

“What’s going on here?” he glanced from the girl being restrained by Mike to Levi.  
  
“The brat saw someone she knew on the list,” he explained. A slow moving figure at the corner of his eye had renewed Aisha’s struggles. “Fuck. The old woman.”

Erwin’s expression darkened. “She looks almost eighty; this is ridiculous.”

An officer was handing her some variant of weapon that she could not possibly use. Mike felt the girl in his arms go limp. She was as light as she looked.

_Haven’t these people been through enough?_

“I can’t intercede for her,” Erwin sighed. “ Or anyone else. They don’t care what any of the brass has to say.”

Levi’s stern eyes fixed on the familiar figure of the dark haired soldier as he tried to push towards them. Erwin seemed to recognise him as well.

“Krause?”

“You’ve become commander,” Ambros’ face was drawn with misery. “Then perhaps you can tell me why my mother is being sent to war when she can barely walk.”

He looked from Aisha back to his former comrade. “She’s yours, is she? It shows.” He placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. “The short answer is that they’re trying to cull the population. There’s no other reason.”

“Then let me go instead,” he hissed. “Why can’t I volunteer to take her place? It’s still one less mouth to feed.”

Erwin’s reply was bitter. “To them, they’ll probably reason that you’re more likely to be able to work a field.”

Ambros let out an unpleasant bark of a laugh. “You know, it’s funny how this worked out. Almost all my life I lived in hell, in sewers below all the rich bastards—dirt poor. We were stuck there with people who could never leave, but we had a citizenship that we never used… _that same fucking citizenship_ was what made her eligible for this.”

Levi stiffened. He looked back at Aisha who was feebly stirring, trying to push her squad leader’s arms away with little ineffectual hands.

“I’m a soldier,” she murmured. “Not her. I signed up for this.”

He could see the tiny shred of humanity that was being reformed for the past few months was straining to the point of no return.

“Let her go,” Ambros said quietly. “We have one last resort.”

“And what is that?” Mike asked, arms still trapping his subordinate.

“A man who owes me far too much.”

* * *

The Captain, Eld and Erwin had remained in the yard. A carriage was brought on the commander’s orders for Ambros and his bewildered charge—the latter of whom was being closely watched by her squad leader. Mike seemed to know Ambros as well, but his disposition was far less friendly. The girl beside him meanwhile stared out of the carriage window, as Wall Rose became Wall Sheena. At one of the many townhouses, their journey ground to a halt. With some difficulty, Ambros exited onto the street to grasp the heavy brass knocker in his fist.

A kindly looking woman opened the door, eyes widening in surprise. “May I help you, sir?”

“I’m here to see Xavier.”

“Lord Varnhagen,” she said slowly, as if trying to make up a convincing excuse. Then, her tired gaze settled upon Aisha, and a flash of recognition lit them. Her retort died in her throat.

“Clara?” a male voice called from inside. A man appeared behind the woman’s shoulder, his face aghast.

“Ambros, what-? Has something happened to Aisha?” he gaped, incredulity turning to something akin to terror when he saw her. “Come in, please.”

The trio moved inside, with Aisha staring up at the nobleman with large eyes, her expression unsettlingly calm. As she passed him, he attempted a smile.

“You’ve grown,” he said. His gaze slid to the uniform and he blanched. “Ambros, why is she wearing _this_? What have you done?”

The older man rounded on him. “She chose for herself, because she’s not a coward like you!” he snapped.

Xavier spluttered in reply, preferring instead to turn his attention to the tall blonde man currently standing at ease behind Aisha. “And you, who exactly are you?”

“Major Mike Zacharias,” he replied evenly. “Survey Corps. I am Private Kaur’s superior.”

The handsome face creased a little with strain. “Ambros, did you just bring her here to shove it in my face? You’ve sent my child to die?”

Mike’s expression darkened. Nearby, Aisha was still staring unwaveringly at Xavier, her intense gaze otherwise unclouded by any emotion.

“She ceased to be yours when you dumped her on me,” Ambros said acidly. “You have amassed a good debt, and you’ll have to pay it now.”

Xavier tried to meet his daughter’s eyes, and seemed injured by their coldness. “What do you want from me?”

“Lotte Krause,” Aisha’s said calmly. Xavier gave a little flinch at the sound of her voice. “She has been conscripted. She’s too old, and she is one of the only people in the world that I have.”

“I-“

“Xavier, what on _earth_ is this racket?” a female voice called. The door opened, revealing a stately redheaded woman, shepherding a similarly coiffed girl. Rather than expressing shock at the sight of the party before her, sapphire eyes clouded with rage. “How dare you come here? And bring this bastard of a girl with you?”

Aisha’s gaze dropped to the young girl; she looked barely twelve. “I’ve said my piece.”

“Meisha,” Xavier’s voice carried weakly. His wife silenced him with a glare.

“Get out,” she said viciously. “You don’t belong here.”

Aisha ignored her, looking instead towards her slowly wilting father. Meisha took a step towards the girl, but found her path blocked by the formidable frame of the Major. His calm eyes had a hint of warning in them.

“I can’t,” Xavier said, his voice shaking. “Ambros, my title is practically a courtesy post. A Barony means nothing.”

“Grow a spine and do something right for once in your life,” he roared in reply. “Your father tossed my mother and I out on our arses, only for you to do the same to Aisha. You have shown no shame in your pathetic existence—none! All you do is run and hide when consequences come calling.”

“I didn’t—I loved your mother,” Xavier looked pleadingly at Aisha. His wife, meanwhile, was becoming more enraged by the second. “I did, but she died—and…”

“I’m not interested,” the girl replied simply. “I came here for Lotte, not for your excuses.”

“It would be treason,” he said desperately. “I can’t expect to go up to the court and beg for the life of some—of a woman I don’t know!”

Ambros laughed derisively. “You knew her. She was like a mother to you, you fucking useless man.”

“Publicly, you mean,” Aisha said quietly. “You don’t know her. You won’t help her because of how it will _look_.”

He rose from his chair and moved closer to her, dropping to his knees to grasp her hands in his. She noted the silky feel of his skin—much unlike the hoary surface of Ambros’ hands, calloused from hard work and a life of pain.

“Understand for me please,” he pleaded. “It would mean certain death in this climate.”

“And what would I know about that?” for the first time, Aisha’s voice was tinged with a venomous amusement. A fist connected with the underside of his jaw, staggering the man who looked _so very much_ like the one who’d run himself ragged to keep her safe. She shoved a boot into his chest to get him away from her. _But not quite you bastard._

The trio left amidst Meisha’s high shrieks of seeing them all hanged. The girl at her side looked on in dumbstruck awe. As Aisha reached the threshold, the kindly woman—Clara, held her back. She held out a package wrapped in heavy brocade.

“Some of your mother’s things,” she said, pushing the bundle into Aisha’s arms. “ _She_ tried to get rid of it all, but—I always thought you would come back here one day.”

Mike’s careful gaze saw exactly when whatever was left of Aisha broke into little pieces.

* * *

Captain Levi leaned against the doorframe of the infirmary. The building’s occupants had waned in the many months of inaction, but now, it was busier than ever. The clock had ticked down to the moment of the first deployment of conscripts…and the influx began in earnest. Most of the soldiers in bed were sedated, sleeping fitfully under the watch of the medics. Aisha was not drugged up like the others but was instead sitting up quietly on her own, almost comatose.

“Lance Corporal Weiss needs another shot,” Hange was moving from room to room, her squad members taking attentive notes.

“Four-eyes. Drafted again, I see.” Levi pushed off the frame as she walked by.

“They’re low on hands,” she sighed. The bubbly disposition was gone again. “Research has been slow anyway, there’s not much we can do without being out of the Walls for _months_.”

“Most of them look like they’re a syringe away from becoming drooling piss machines,” he said frankly.

“Some of them are hysterical otherwise,” she sifted through some of her own notes. “A few are suicidal, and there’s this one girl who seems to think she’s back home again and that we’re all her family members. She keeps trying to get out of bed to go feed non-existent farm animals.”

“A lot of them have survived Titans,” he pointed out. “What the fuck happened?”

“It’s not really surprising. Put it this way: you’re a soldier, you join up knowing that you might die. Some may even be at peace with it. You never think your family are going to be the ones to go off while you’re sitting here at home.”

His eyes shifted to the girl staring blankly at the wall before her. “They were getting better.”

“Yeah,” she pushed her glasses up to rub at her eyes. “How’s Eld, by the way? He came out fine, right?”

“No one in his family was chosen. His grandfather wrote to say his neighbour got it though,” he explained. “Fucking pigs seemed to be conscripting the poorest people and refugees.”

Hange walked up to Aisha’s bedside, taking her pulse and trying to get her to respond or track her fingers. Nothing.

“She’s been in and out since Nanaba couldn’t get her out of bed a week ago.”

“That old bastard hasn’t come to see her?” he looked at the bedside. The only items were little notes from her two friends in other regiments.

“I figured he was in a state himself,” she said, jotting things onto the chart. “Mike comes to sit with her sometimes. She doesn’t talk but it _looks_ like she’s listening. And, y’know for him to speak at length is a feat in and of itself.”

The girl had been put in a simple cream nightdress without any straps and with all of the buttons on the back so she couldn't hang herself with it. At night, she was cuffed in place as a precaution. Mike had said nothing about the visit that they’d made to Wall Sheena, only divulging that it was fruitless. Levi glanced at the large clock on the wall, and began walking out; time in the corps froze for no tragedies. He had training to do.

At the ground floor, he watched one of the junior medics excuse himself for a cigarette. A silver chain glinted in his grip, and he twirled it absently as he walked the grounds. A familiar locket shone on the end.

The quiet rage in Levi became a little louder.


	10. The Outsider: The 28th Expedition, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting further into Aisha's backstory in this one, along with a nice long journey outside of the Walls.  
> Angst and Levi/Aisha development ahoy for the chapters ahead!
> 
> ._. I've also worked out an entire timeline for the various Training Corps graduations/intakes as well as one for all of the major events in the backstory and current story. I may have a bit of a problem.
> 
> Chapter title and lyrics by A Perfect Circle :)

_Help me if you can—it's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired._  
_So could you please, help me understand why  
_ _You've given in to all these reckless dark desires?_

_You're lying to yourself again._  
_Suicidal imbecile,_  
_Think about it, you're pounding on the fault line!_  
_What'll it take to get it through to you precious?_  
_I'm over this. Why do you want to throw it away like this?  
_ _Such a mess._

_Why would I want to watch you,_  
_Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time?  
_ _What's your rush now? Everyone will have his day to die._

[Year 846]

Three months of ‘fighting’ had left a little under one hundred survivors out of the two hundred thousand conscripts. No one had gotten any word of their loved ones’ survival or death until what was left of the final wave came home. The commander had taken it upon himself to hand out the ribbons to each soldier, looking far older and more tired than his age would presume. That morning, Levi had taken the four hour carriage ride to Wall Sheena; the thugs at the stairwells remembered him, and swiftly stepped out of his way as he approached.

It took little to find out where Ambros lived; or rather, where he _existed._ The small structure was one side of a dilapidated townhouse, much like his old residence. He pushed in easily. The floor was thick with dust, and the man in question was hunched on a small, grubby dining table. There was no air of drink about him, he was like Aisha, dead on his feet without the aid of any foreign substance.

“So this is your excuse for not visiting her?”

The mass shifted. In his stupor he’d somehow still managed to keep himself clean-shaven. “And what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I wanted a reminder of the shithole that I left behind,” Levi said sarcastically. “She hasn’t spoken to anyone in months. She eats, she looks around, but that’s it.”

“How am I supposed to help that?” Ambros asked bitterly. “I couldn’t protect her from this.”

“Save the sob story,” the harshness in the younger man’s voice cut through the stale air. “They’re handing out the ribbons today, and she’s going to be getting your mother’s. Shouldn’t you get off your useless ass and be with her?”

He laughed. “That’s a fucking farce and you know it. That thing is an insult.”

Levi crossed the room in easy strides, kicking the chair out with a fluid movement. Ambros crashed to the floor with a hiss.

“Get yourself together. I don’t know what the fuck went on in Wall Sheena, but _you’re_ the adult here. You're the one leaving a sixteen year old in her own living hell while you wallow.”

“What do you care?” he asked, joints creaking as he rose on unsteady feet. “You never gave a shit about anyone besides those two grubby kids that followed you around.”

“They died,” Levi said frankly. Ambros looked up at him, and for the first time there was feeling in his eyes. Regret.

“That redheaded girl. You never knew if she was adorable or just plain annoying. She’d gotten so much free food out of me, it was pathetic,” he said absently. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ve taken in enough strays,” Levi stated. “I don’t have room for yours.”

Ambros smiled sadly. The action seemed to age him. “Aisha might be a stray, but she’s not one of those helpless puppies that needs a home. She’s the fox that moves in under your house and refuses to leave. You don’t really get much of a choice.”

There was some truth to that. The older man moved to the doorway and looked out at their dreary surroundings.

“I’m leaving this place,” he said evenly. “I don’t care what that bastard or his family thinks, but I’m tired of hiding under their feet. With mother gone, and Aisha in the military, I have nothing left to lose.”

“That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said,” Levi looked around the hovel. “This place is a fucking sty.”

\---

He’d returned to find that the ribbons were just being handed out; Mike was in the infirmary, sitting alongside Nanaba and the two other Privates with Aisha. Mike had coiled the little locket and placed it in her hands; dark eyes looked shifted towards it, still unseeing. The sight of the chain made the long-healed grazes on his knuckles smart a little in memory; Mike had said nothing when Levi burst into his office, dropping the thing on his desk with bloody fingers.

Needless to say, the medic had earned himself his own bed in the sick bay.

Hange stood beside him, watching silently as the commander moved from bed to bed, placing the crested, embroidered ribbon in the hands of the soldiers and murmuring whatever ineffectual words he could come up with. Aisha was at the end of the line; he waved off the saluting teammates, pulling a chair at her bedside. It was hard to tell which one of them looked worse. Commandership was not wearing well on Erwin these days.

“The government would want me to say that Lotte Krause died for the good of mankind. In a sense that’s true, but not in the way that they meant it; she died so the rest of us had enough to eat. She died because they sacrificed her to protect themselves,” he placed the ribbon on her lap. “You may think this is a relic of that needless death, but it isn’t. It’s the product of her valiant sacrifice, regardless of how unfairly it was created. It is a reminder of bravery in the face of cowardice.”

For the first time, there was life in those dark eyes. Her thin, graceful hands covered the one that the commander had left clenched on the bedside.

“It isn’t your fault, Commander Smith,” her voice was hoarse from its long absence. “It’s _theirs._ The Titans and the government.”

The man, as tired and as worn as he was, smiled; Levi recalled the words that Erwin had told him, almost two years ago. It was just a little ironic that a brat was repeating them to him. The significance was definitely not lost on the commander.

“Thank you,” he said genuinely. He shifted his gaze to the soldiers at her side. “I did lose my way in this. I took for granted what it meant to be responsible for lives while constrained by forces that want you to turn a blind eye to the squandering of life. I owe my soldiers a heartfelt apology for that.”

“You’re one hell of a leader, Erwin,” Mike said. “You handled it better than any of us would.”

The older soldiers stepped forward and saluted in agreement, leaving Gelgar and Henning slightly taken aback by their leader’s frankness. Levi could discern the slowly eroding humanity within Erwin; he was chipping away himself to become the commander that the corps deserved. It was something Shadis could not have accomplished. The chess master could not be chained by sentimentality and expect his game to be won. He was apologising not for inaction, but for _feeling_ in the face of tragedy. Like many soldiers before him, he was already hardened to the loss of those who had signed up for war; the conscription on the other hand, was completely unbroken territory. It rooted itself in even the most unfeeling of them.

As the commander walked away, Aisha pushed aside her blankets to swing her weight onto unsteady legs. Hange stepped forward and helped her stand, murmuring about taking it slow and allowing her muscles to catch up to being used again. The girl brushed it off, taking several pained steps anyway.  
“The cull is over,” she said simply. “That means we’re going out soon, and I have to be ready. I have Titans to kill.”

Levi watched her put the locket back on, and tried to extinguish the dread that was building. The look about her was not one of recovery.  
  
                                                                                                                  ---  
  
Whatever was left of Aisha was eclipsed by a dour calm. In the months that passed between, she was in and out of the infirmary again: not due to grief, but rather due to injury. Mike had frequently reported how her overtraining was becoming a problem; she’d lost a lot of weight in her convalescence, and was seeking to quickly rebuild all of the strength that had gone with it. Eld had already found her in the practice harness, weighted down with plates chained different parts of her body. Muscles strained against the unbalancing forces, pushing against weights almost double that of her own. He had recounted this to his Captain in awe, unaware of the concern that was deepening within his superiors by the day.

The week before the 28th Expedition beyond the walls, the soldiers were tested to discern who was ready to be deployed. These further expeditions would be among the longest ever; it was estimated that this one could last a full month or more as the corps aimed to form new supply lines. The 100th Training Corps would be graduating soon, and they would be coming straight into training with the soldiers who were left. When the regiment returned, there would be a short period of recuperation, and then they would set out again, with their new soldiers.

Many of the senior officers were cleared without a fuss; therefore the ones in the limelight were the yet-untested recruits. Many of these tests saw the younger soldiers moving at night, with broken equipment, limited rations or other handicaps. Aisha passed her evaluation with high scores, and was thus shunted into the brigade with little scrutiny. If state of mind was being measured—it would have been clear to anyone who had seen her that she was not fit for active duty. Her skill was being channeled into dangerous recklessness.

Little glimmers of her old self remained, but they were carefully hidden—they showed when Levi was around, and she talked with Mike, who she seemed to have placed in the void that Ambros had left with his absence. Still, whatever feeling was there was distant, covered in a layer of bravado and abrasiveness.

The night before the expedition, he found her in the kitchens again. He had apparently become predictable; another mug was set out, ready with tea.

“You’d think tonight of all nights would be a good time to get some sleep,” he grasped the cup and pulled it towards him.

“I can guarantee you that half of the brigade is up right now,” she said, taking a sip of her own drink. “We’ve been waiting for too long, and I for one, want to kill some Titans.”

Levi scoffed. “Look how far you’ve come. Just don’t let the time off get to your head, better soldiers than you have pissed themselves outside the wall.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Would it be suicide to ask if that was a personal experience?”

“If you’re fond of your teeth where they are, I’d steer clear of insinuating it,” he continued calmly. She gave a rare smile.

“I’ve never managed to get on your bad side yet,” she continued. “I’ve heard stories though.”

“You’ll know when you get there.”

“You and Eld are in the scout support position as well, right?”

“As always,” he said quietly. “Though, Erwin’s getting a little ahead of himself putting you there instead of on relay with the rest of the recruits, if you ask me.”

She bristled a little. “Maybe they think we’re ready. Henning and Gelgar are there too.”

“No, you’re not ready,” he said firmly. “You three are green as fuck, but we’re short on men. Fifty percent of new recruits die on their first mission, and being in this spot just upped your chance of being one of them.”

“Do you want me to run from my responsibility, is that it?” she asked harshly.  
  
He put the cup down. “No, I want you to actually think about what it means because it might just save your life. And don’t take that tone with me again, Private Kaur.”

She was glaring daggers at him as he rose to leave. “Sir.”

The word seemed curt, injurious somehow.  
  
_Two steps forward, three steps back._

* * *

The ride to Trost took the convoy two hours; many lined the streets to see the soldiers off—more so than usual, according to Nanaba. Aisha watched the upturned faces of children, scrambling over barrels and piles of firewood to see them. She adjusted her cloak as they waited for the garrison to give the all-clear and open the gate.

“Look, it’s the Captain!” one of the little boys shoved the girl next to him. “He’s supposed to be the strongest soldier ever!”

She gaped. “Really, that strong?”

He nodded vigourously. From her vantage point, she could see Levi looking at them at the corner of his eye.

The little girl pushed too-long, auburn bangs out of her face and pointed at Aisha. “She’s so _pretty_!”

The boy squinted past the other soldiers. “What’s wrong with her skin? She looks like she’s been in the sun too long.”

“If I stay in the sun will I look like that?”

“I dunno. Maybe she’s just dirty and needs a wash.”

Aisha stifled a snort.

_Nope, things did not change on the surface that much._

At the commander’s rallying cry, the brigade moved out; the wind whipped through her hair, and the long tunnel of the gate gave way to gloriously blue skies. She moved into position near the right-flank, with Mike at her side.

_This is it. I’ve been training for this for years. Lotte, I’m going to make sure it wasn’t all for nothing._

_\---_

The formation moved fluidly, like a single beast across the landscape; the signals to shift course came relatively often within the first three hours, with no black smoke being reported. A relay messenger had just come by to inform them that the first supply stop would be coming up soon. Aisha coaxed Azur to slow his pace, matching her squad leader’s.

“Is it always this smooth of a ride?” she called.

“Not often, no,” he replied. “But this is untested territory, so I can’t say how much of a good thing that is.” He gave a sniff. “I can smell them everywhere though. We’ll definitely have to fight if we’re stopping soon.”

She nodded. “I’m ready for it.”  
  
Red smoke wafted overhead; she fished a red flare out of her bag and fired as well. Soon, a green series of green flares moved towards the east. Mike sent off the green signal, and they followed the formation. It was a more than a boon to have a superior officer with her, she realised; it could be so easy to stray. Even though they were on scout support, they would barely ever see the scout teams on the very edge of the formation. She absently wondered how the other two rookies on the team were doing.

“Aisha,” Mike was looking up at the sky. Black smoke was coursing through from their end. It was followed by a flash of purple.

“I’m on it,” she pulled Azur’s reins, shifting his course.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, sir,” she said firmly. “I can do this.”

“Alright, go. Signal as soon as you have the threat under control.”

She looked back with a brief nod, and was off, pushing her horse as fast as he would go. She spotted the Titan easily within the next few minutes; it was careening towards the middle of the formation, ignoring the soldiers around him. She could discern a grappling hook on its chest, still attached to a limp soldier. Waiting until she was mere metres away, she gunned the trigger, hitting the beast in its ribs. She flew in, close enough to avoid the clumsily swatting arm. On the up-swing of the movementum, she fired again, circling to the nape for a deep slice. It fell quickly, and she extricated herself from the now steaming corpse.

Azur trotted by, and she faced the soldiers who had been in pursuit. “Is that what you couldn’t handle?”

“Couldn’t handle? We’re some of the most elite soldiers in the scouts,” a dark haired man protested. “Get back on your horse!”

Aisha was already mid-mount. She looked past the man, towards a soldier who was positively shaking in her boots. “What’s the matter?”

“This wasn’t the only one,” she said, her voice on the brink of breaking. “Th-they’re all over, they just scattered when we engaged them.”

Aisha looked towards the front of the formation, keeping Azur at a trot. Black smoke rose in several spots.

“Fucking hell,” she murmured. She fished a white flare and fired, to signal that her job had been done. “Alright, if you all are fine to get back, I’m going up there.”

“You’re just a Private, aren’t you?” the man called. “You can’t be serious—“

“I was put in this position for a reason,” she said seriously. “Good luck, and I’m sorry about your comrade.”

She left them in the dust without another word, moving with a vicious purpose.

\---

At the front, all hell was breaking loose. Aisha fired a purple shot, vaulting Azur over a series of mutilated bodies before switching to her 3DMG. Three Titans were closest, positively decimating the scout and some of the scout support teams. A soldier sliced the Achilles tendon of the Titan closest to her, bringing it to its knees; Aisha vaulted to its nape for the killing blow, moving directly on to the other. She sliced behind the knee of the running twelve metre Titan, sending it to the floor with a crash. A redheaded soldier swooped to finish the job. The last one was all hers, and was busy gorging itself on some unlucky victim. It looked up at her, eyes vacant as it easily sunk its teeth into the body, severing the lower half. She knew the look; it was getting ready to launch itself at her.

When it did, she was ready, firing a hook into its eye and slicing as she made contact, launching herself over the flailing body and into the air as it hit the dirt beneath her. As she fell, she set her hook into its nape, skidding along its back for the kill. Wiping the steaming blood from her eyes, she looked around from her spot atop the sublimating corpse’s head. It was carnage, with just enough blood and body parts to be unsure about how many soldiers were dead. With this many possibly lost in the first three hours, how were they expected to make a full month?

Mike trotted up from his position, holding Azur’s reins. “You should have come back to check in with me first. This could have been too much for you.”

She hopped off the Titan’s head and mounted her horse again. “I didn’t think there was time.”

The scout assist team that she’d met was still trying to ascertain how many soldiers were dead. The redheaded man gave a salute.

“Major, if I may; she was a great deal of help.”

Mike sighed. “So she was. Alright, Aisha let’s go. We'll discuss this later.”

She gave the scene one last look. A woman’s torso lay feet away.

_So this is life outside of humanity’s stronghold._

\---

The first stop was only a half hour away from their encounter with the Titans. It was a large castle-like structure, once an old noble house, but in the years right up until Maria’s fall, it had become an estate of sorts for a business owner and his farms. The once carefully tilled lands lay in ruin, with weeds springing up where crops once stood. The yard was overgrown as well, but it seemed at least the large iron gate was functional.

They were among the last soldiers to file in; their horses were left in the stables, where Hange was supervising her team.

“I hear you two got quite held up,” she smiled. “A knot of abnormals, was it? I didn’t even know they could travel in a pack like that.”

“I didn’t get held up,” Mike said, looking at his subordinate. “Private Kaur here decided that she had to kill four Titans.”

“Four?” Hange let out a low whistle. “Quite a day for a Private.”

Eld, who was brushing his own horse had been drawn closer, his face etched in disbelief. “Four, really?”

“I killed two,” Aisha said evenly. “I assisted with two more.”

“Still, that’s impressive,” he said, giving her a kind smile. Aisha mirrored it with difficulty, feeling slightly awkward.

“It was reckless, but she had enough skill to save her,” Mike continued. “Come on, you’re going to fill your gas tanks and get assigned.”

The others watched their retreating figures as the girl was shepherded away.

“You know, if we had _just gotten one of those Titans_ ,” Hange said wistfully.

Moblit blanched. “Major? You mean like catching one? _Why?!_ ”

Eld cursed inwardly and edged away as the rookie found out why one avoids asking Hange Zoe a question.

\---

Captain Levi’s scowl deepened as he supervised the cleaning of the castle interior. Half-assed, all of it. They had the pretense of being in the field and under duress, but that was no excuse for shoddy cleaning.

“There aren’t any Titans around, but there are cobwebs,” he swiped a finger across the tables in the dining area. “And that’s means you still have a fucking job to do, soldier.”

The girl who had been doing the room squeaked an apology and ran off to do it again. They would be using this as their singular base as they branched out, scouting the best areas for new supply points. Therefore, in Levi’s mind, there was no reason to live in squalor while they were doing it.

He saw Mike’s burly frame enter the room before he spotted Aisha; well, she’d made her first day. There was word that at least nine soldiers had died that morning, but their names were being withheld for now. A small voice in the back of his head nagged as the others filed in without either of them. The relief that flooded him was thoroughly unwelcome; in fact, it made him feel positively annoyed.

“We’re told you are the one handling things in here?” Mike surveyed the cleaning progress with an amused snort.

“These kids can’t do anything right, apparently,” he said, within earshot of one of the rookies, who frantically began polishing faster. “Here to lend your services? We need someone tall to get to that dusty-ass chandelier.”

“Maybe later,” Mike said. “I’m going to see Erwin. Aisha can stay and help you.”

The girl did not seem happy about it. Frankly, neither was Levi. Mike had left the room by the time that he’d noticed that there was a cut on her collarbone, just barely visible where her shirt ended.

“What did you do to yourself?”

She started slightly and touched the wound. “Shrapnel. I think I got it on the fourth one, when it fell and I had to jump over it.”

“Fourth,” he repeated.  
  
“Why is everyone acting like it’s a big deal?” she exclaimed. One of the girls sweeping gave the Captain a hasty glance.

“Because most rookies who take on a Titan in their first mission die,” he explained calmly. “And not a lot of people find themselves taking out four in one day. Unless of course, they’re out looking for kills.”

She looked vaguely insulted. “I wasn’t _looking_. I saw the signal and the team I was with reported a lot of them headed in that direction. The others needed help.”

“And you were the first there.”

Her frown deepened. “Sir, what do you need me to do?”

Levi fought the urge to throw her on her ass. “Go fix the kitchen.”

“The whole thing?”

“Hard on hearing, Private?”

The reply was curt. “No, sir.”

She stomped away, haughty and very obviously displeased. The girl with the broom was still gaping.

“You have a problem or something?” Levi snapped. “Because there’s still a fuck-load of dust at your feet, and I _personally_ have a problem with that.”

* * *

  
Rations that evening were eaten with slight distaste; none of the soldiers had course to eat them in months, which had dulled the memories of their loathing. Knots of soldiers broke apart for light conversation while they put out their bed rolls; though there were many bedrooms in the castle, there was no reason to waste the fuel and manpower to spread the soldiers so thinly. Instead, they broke into three groups, each occupying the Keep, the old living rooms and the dining room, as these had the largest hearths.

The night was one of relative ease, everyone was in good spirits, being not overly exhausted nor too discouraged by the early casualties. What helped the matter was that _whole_ teams seemed to have been killed this morning, with the exception of the man Aisha had seen on her first Titan. Instead of being a completely bad thing, the soldiers had began compartmentalising—once _your_ team and _your_ friends were fine, things were fine. Surviving in times of war meant little sacrifices of humanity, many made without realising.

Aisha found herself a corner and extracted one of her mother’s journals from her jacket. She had taken the time to practically sew a new, sturdy pocket into her jacket to make sure that it would not budge. During her time training for the expedition, she made the decision to put off reading any of them until she was out of the Walls; it seemed fitting somehow.

**~~~**

_July 6 th, 824._

_This is my first week in the household of Varnhagen. I’ve not been able to eat much or sleep for that matter. I don’t know where we are, really, other than the fact that we’re on the surface and in Wall Sheena. My brother told me about this place, but his words could not do justice to the beauty. The sky is so beautiful, the houses…everything except the people. They might be richer, but they’re no better than the ones who held us. They just buy us from them._

_The people here stare at the godja on my face with open derision. The one on my arm still bleeds, a reminder that I have left my family…or what was left of it. Before I left, I was given the needles and ink to take with me, for when the next is needed. The one I dread the most._

_Xavier seems like he’s afraid of me. He comes by, tries to talk to me, but I refuse to speak. I don’t like the way he looks at me. He gave me a maid—of all things, and she is the only one I turn to these days. Her name is Clara; I only wish she and I could run from this house. But where would we go?_

_I’m so tired._

_Thema._

**_~~~_ **

Aisha’s hands shook slightly, and turned the page. Her mother had been bought like an animal by that _man_. She sat in the little niche, reading page after page of her mother’s fears, her sorrows and her loneliness. Then, a single, very short entry caught her eye.

**_~~~_ **

_December 20 th 824._

_The time I tried to prepare for came, and I was still not ready. I hate him. Oh god, how I hate him._

**_~~~_ **

Feeling enraged and vaguely ill, she shut the book and tucked it back into the inner pocket of her jacket. She should have slit the bastard’s throat when she had the chance.

* * *

Levi did a final patrol through the rooms of sleeping soldiers; he had assured Erwin that he was more suited to keeping an eye on things. The man needed sleep, and Levi was all too used to sleep deprivation anyway. The night started slowly, with some staying awake to chat or make furtive trips to the many bastions of the castle—something that they weren’t exactly supposed to do. Those that he caught wilted under the icy glare, and obediently went to their bedrolls. He couldn’t blame them though; just about two years ago, he was like them…thirsty and craving the sights of _freedom_ beyond those walls.

The night watch was huddled in the wall-walks on the second floor, waiting to be relieved within the next hour. With that, he decided that two in the morning was a good a time as any to get to sleep. He walked silently through the clusters of soldiers, huddled in either teams or groups of friends. Levi was uncharacteristically exhausted after the day’s events, though benign they were. He didn’t stop himself when his eyes sought the spot where Aisha lay. Like most nights, it was cold, especially within the stone confines of the castle. She had ended up huddled in a little mass up against the muscular wall of her squad leader, with Nanaba on the other side. The other two rookies were towards the end, splayed in all directions as they tossed and turned. He allowed himself an amused smirk; it was like watching parents and their newborn child.

Eld was further away from the fire, having given a choice spot to the rookies out of kindness. Like the hardy kid he was, the cold didn’t bother him very much. The Captain spread his own bedroll out very carefully next to his sleeping subordinate and lay staring up at the darkened ceiling for what felt like hours, despite being so very tired. He thought back to Ambros’ words and sighed.

The little fox under his house was a stubborn, stupid fuck. He was probably worse for allowing her to stay there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ‘godja’ (pronounced god-ya) is my variant of the word ‘godna’ which is a traditional form of tattooing in South Asian culture. I’d learned about this while doing one of my anthropology papers, because the practice still survives with some elder folks within the West Indies (which is where I live).
> 
> I figured with Mikasa’s clan branding her, and the likelihood of any minority clans interacting due to their common marginality, some may have adopted and adapted practices from one another, so you’ll be seeing quite a mishmash. It’s up to the reader to really decide who adopted from whom ;)


	11. The War Inside: The 28th Expedition, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure it comes as no surprise because of how long it took, but this chapter was actually one of the most difficult ones to write yet!
> 
> I kept re-doing and re-working some bits of plot (nope, not just a filler chapter, some of these events and characters are coming back later ;) ) and I feel like this is good enough to keep the development going. Also Pokemon Go came out in my country yesterday and I ended up running around instead of finishing this ;-;
> 
> Song title and lyrics by Switchfoot. Hope everyone enjoys!

_Yeah, every thought or deed._  
_Yeah, every tree or seed,_  
_The big things come from the little dreams._  
  
_Every world is made by make believe._

_I am the war inside, I am the battle line._  
_I am the rising tide, I am the war I fight._  
_Eyes open—open wide,_  
_I can feel it like a crack in my spine.  
_ _I can feel it like the back of my mind._

_I am the war inside._

 

Hange was following Erwin on his rounds, indignant and resolute.

“I’m serious about this!” she said angrily. “Isn’t it worth a thought?”

“I’ll give it a thought, but not now,” Erwin said firmly. People were beginning to stare. “Hange, this isn’t the time, we have our mission. We can discuss this when we get back.”

She stared after him in defiance, with her team sheepishly at her heels.

“Uh—Major, do you think that’s wise…talking to the Commander like that?” Moblit asked meekly.

She rounded on him. “I didn’t ask you. Now, come on, we have notes to take and samples to get from the surrounding areas.”

The boy caught Aisha’s eye and they exchanged a sympathetic look. He allowed himself to be carted off with the others to wander around the perimeter until more soldiers could be spared for a reconnaissance run. Aisha was left to follow her squad leader as he made sure their surroundings were secure. This felt like her unspoken punishment for the events yesterday—everyone else was either allowed to relax for now, or was otherwise occupied in something that felt _useful_. Even if she and Mike found Titans, they weren’t going to be the ones going after them.

Mike sniffed at the air. “Come on, we’re going onto the bastions.”

She engaged her gear and followed him up the stone walls, where they could see right up to the forest to the south. That was where many of the Titans would be clustered—at least according to the commander, anyway. The remains of the nearest town was about a day’s ride away, and they would only head in that direction after locating another supply point along the route.

“Shit, Erwin was right,” he murmured.  
  
“They’re over there?”

He nodded. “The stench is definitely coming in that direction. We can probably reduce our chance of running into them if we head south.”

Aisha fished a map of the area from her jacket. “Nearest town is called Gorj, and if we skirt the forest and go south…that’ll turn our day long ride into probably two.”

“Anything marked along the way?”

“Not that I can see, but there’s bound to be a farmhouse or _something_.”

Mike glanced back to the forest. “I’ll talk to Erwin. It’s only a matter of time before they realise that we’re here and come knocking. We’ll need to get started on some trenches.”

“The wall is about twelve metres high but,” Aisha looked down at the worn exterior. “I’m not convinced it’ll survive an attack.”

“Neither am I,” he replied. “We need buffers in place to slow them down. Go report to Levi, he’ll have some use for you getting everything organised inside. I’ll take our findings to Erwin.”  
  
Aisha tried not to look disappointed. “Yes, sir.”

“It’s that obvious that you’re being kept out of action, isn’t it,” he stated drily.

She nodded. “Yeah, that it is.”

Mike gave his snorting laugh. “Live and learn— _live_ being the operative word. You’re too young to throw your life away for jack-shit.”

“What qualifies as jack-shit?”

“You’ll figure it out,” he said grimly. “If you live long enough, you’ll see more than enough people die for nothing. It happens by accident, but don’t ever choose it.”

\---

Inside, the activity was bustling; rations and supplies were being stowed away in every available area. They chanced bringing double the number of carts along, hoping that they would at least make it far enough into hostile territory to form a cache from which they could branch out. The gamble had worked, so the while the castle’s provisions were being offloaded, at least three other carts remained laden.

“Hey, tank girl,” a surly voice called. “Stop daydreaming and get a move on.”

Aisha scowled at the Captain and scooped the entire crate of goods off the table. One of the nearby soldiers froze while packing flint into a store cupboard to stare. It might have been heavy, but it was faster than moving it bit by bit.

Eld gaped as she dropped the crate next to the large trunk where its contents would be stored. “You don’t play around, do you?”

Aisha shrugged. “I don’t see the point of prolonging this when I could just do it faster.”

“Yeah, but that’s about a hundred pounds of equipment in there and you didn’t need to haul the whole thing at once,” he pointed out wryly.

“It’s no skin off my teeth,” she shoved the trunk open, a little more aggressively than she had intended. She could _feel_ the Captain’s scowl still focused on her.

The blonde man frowned a little. “You’ll burn out if you’re not careful.”

“Thanks for the advice.”  
  
And with that, the conversation came to an unceremonious end, as she began dumping items into the chest, leaving Eld feeling rather as though he was watching a miniature bull being let loose in a china shop.

The next task was stripping and taking down all of the drapes; they weren’t necessary any more and after a year of neglect, they did little beside adding a musty note to the air. As they piled the heavy brocades behind the barn, they could see the returning figures of the squad sent to engage the nearby Titans. With a pang, Aisha noted that there were markedly fewer than those who’d left. Eld pulled down the cloth that was tied around his face.

“How many is that? One…two… _shit_ ,” he murmured. “They lost seven guys?”

“Why didn’t they signal to us?” Aisha stared, catching sight of a soldier barely able to keep himself upright; Eld had seen him too.

“Fuck, come on—“

They sprinted to meet the party, running through the open gate; as they approached, the soldier on his horse slipped off under the force of the uneven rhythm of the trot. Eld narrowly managed to catch him before he hit the ground, while Aisha took the horse’s bridle to calm the restless animal.

“He…he’s dead, I think,” Eld was desperately trying to feel a pulse, his voice filled with disbelief. He placed an ear to the man’s chest. “Nothing.”

His comrades had dismounted by this time, and had surrounded them. Worn, tired faces twisted into concern and agony.

“Oh god, what’s wrong with him?”

“Victor! Wake up, c’mon man!”

One of the watchers rappelled down the wall, hyperaware and tense. “Get inside guys, this isn’t the time or place.”

The two soldiers tried to shepherd the bereaved team into the walls, placing the dead weight of the limp body back onto his horse to make him easier to carry. Inside, the brigade’s medics were waiting. An ashy-haired woman approached the body as Aisha and Eld pulled him off of his horse and onto the grass. She repeated Eld’s movements—first checking for a pulse, and then a heartbeat. She placed a hand under his nose and gave a heavy sigh, shaking her head.  
  
“Gone.”

Around them some of the survivors were beginning to become hysterical.

“How?” a girl dropped to the dirt beside them. Aisha recognised her from the Training Corps, but struggled to recall her name. “He was our team leader, he was fine. He had just cut down one of our comrades—“

“Help me take off his harness,” the medic looked at Aisha and Eld, her face expressionless.

The soldiers nodded, while the girl continued to mumble about how utterly normal Corporal Victor Strauss had been acting. As the chest straps fell away, the medic swiftly unbuttoned his shirt to reveal heavy, mottled bruising on the entire torso. A crease of concentration appeared between the medic’s thin eyebrows, as though she was straining to keep her own composure.

“Oh god,” Aisha recoiled slightly. She’d never seen anything like it. She glanced at the man’s young, nondescript face; he seemed no older than the Captain.

“He was bleeding on the inside,” the woman said softly. “He must’ve gotten hit or something. There was never anything we could have done.”

“I-I mean he’d been kind of talking funny when we were returning but I didn’t think…”  
  
Eld patted the girl’s back gently. “Everything happens so fast out there, sometimes you never notice when someone just slips away. It’s happened to all of us.”

Aisha remembered Simon slipping off of the building and swallowed audibly. “It never makes sense. Never.”

“We lost so many,” she’d finally begun to cry, tears falling in earnest across freckled cheeks. “M-my cousin is out there. Ulric—we were running so fast we couldn’t take him, we need to go back.”

The commander had already joined the fray; soldiers saluted through tears and sobbing, punctuated by the sound of the girl’s frantic explanations. He waved them at ease and came to rest before the body, his face unchanging save for the darkness in his eyes.

“How many?”

“Seven, sir,” a soldier nearby announced. “Eight—actually, counting Corporal Strauss.”

“What did you find?”

“Five or more Titans, sir,” he began to shake. “It was hard to tell, after it got started. We—we couldn’t take any bodies, we just had to run; we got all but two, but we’d been running low on gas. They swarmed us, we heard one of them roaring and then…”

“You made the best call,” Erwin placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. “Go get checked out, all of you. We’ll work on burying the Corporal later in the evening, so you can all pay your respects.”

“Sir,” the girl was staring up at him with tears shining in her large eyes. “Aren’t we going back this evening? We have men out there.”

“They’re dead, Kate,” the soldier murmured.  
  
“We have to get them!”

“There may be nothing left,” Erwin said seriously. “Our next move will be made tomorrow, and by then, who knows how many Titans would have already been attracted to the corpses. I’m sorry, I’m afraid there’s nothing more to be done. All we can do now is press on.”

She moved to follow as the commander turned on his heels, but was caught by Aisha. “Please understand, we can’t lose any more men today. We need to wait for the Titans to disperse and get your reports before we consider going back.”

“My _cousin_ ,” she was weeping in earnest now. “What am I going to tell my family? I couldn’t even take his emblem—I don’t have anything to take back to them.”

With a pang, Aisha saw the faces of Simon, Klaus and Lotte. Nothing but those cursed ribbons was left.

“I know,” she said quietly. “But it isn’t worth your life, or the lives of these soldiers. It’s hard, but it’s a truth we’ve all faced.”

“I won’t ask them to go then,” she said, straining to calm her frantic breathing. “I’ll go alone.”

“That’s suicide,” Eld said firmly. “You may not even find him, and what would you do if you got cornered?”

“Your family would just lose someone else,” Aisha finished for him.

“It’s easy for you to say,” she looked up at Aisha, her face red, pain-filled and indignant. “You’re strong enough to do it. You could if you wanted to. I have to accept that I’m not.”

Was she?

Perhaps that was the wrong question to ask. _Would_ she? If that were Lotte…Simon or Klaus…within reach…

_No. No regrets._

“I’ve made that decision before.”

“Then you’re heartless,” she wrenched herself away from the pair of them and stormed off, tears blinding her progress.  
  
Eld placed a reassuring hand onto Aisha’s shoulder. “You’re not, you know. Just by taking the time to set her straight, you’re not heartless.”

She looked at him, as if for the first time; he seemed tentative—though quite sincere. Like Simon used to be. The dour calm that cemented itself over her cracked slightly, and she smiled.

“Thanks,”

“C’mon, let’s go,” he got up, dusting his trousers off. “The Captain is looking at us like he thinks we’re slacking.”

She looked across and caught the steely gaze from the doorway. She admitted that it was childish—but she still hadn’t quite forgiven him for earlier. The smile melted away and she got up with a sigh.

\---

The night’s watch was a surprisingly relaxing affair. Atop the bastion, there was little to see, even when the moon was shining at its brightest—most Titans were inactive during at night anyway. Aisha thumbed through the journal absently; the entries had grown sparser during that first year that her mother had been in captivity. The ones that appeared were clipped—quite disturbed and morbid as she’d written about how hard Xavier was trying to win her over. How oblivious he was to her disgust.

“What time is it?” she looked towards Henning, who was nodding off slightly.

He took some time to fumble his pocket watch out of his jacket. “’Bout three thirty. We should be getting relieved soon.”

“How far d’you think we’ll get this run?” she stared out into the darkness, trying to imagine the overgrown and abandoned towns that lay ahead.

“It’s insane, but I really want to get in range of the Wall. I want to go _outside_.”

“You think we’ll make it in a month?” she laughed lightly. “That’s so far away. There’s about a hundred kilometers from Rose to Maria,”

“Well, when you put it like that…” he stretched with a yawn. “What the—hey, Aisha, look!”

She sat up with a start and grabbed a telescope. There was a small shape—a horse, running at full pelt towards the forest.

“Who the fuck is that stupid? Oh, god, Kate you didn’t…” her heart was pounding in her throat. If there were any Titans still active, she would be dead for sure. The moon was bright, but there were far too many clouds to rely on its light.

“What do we do? Signal?”

“No, we’d just throw everyone into a panic—I’ll wake up the Major,” she quickly slipped the book back into her pocket and flung open the trap door to the stairs. “Stay here and keep an eye on her, you can signal to us how far she’s gone from the wall.”

“Got it,”

Her hands were numbed and clammy when she wrenched the doors leading to the drawing rooms open, fumbling to keep as quiet as possible. The rest of the team was nestled in their regular spot; she hastily dropped to her knees near her leader and shook him. His eyes opened almost immediately; knowing him, he probably smelled her coming, even in his sleep.

“Aisha. What’s happened?”

“I think Kate went back to the forest to get her cousin’s patch,” she whispered urgently. “She took a horse, Henning and I spotted her just a few minutes ago.”

He inhaled sharply. “Fuck, alright. We don’t have much time; I’ll saddle the horses. Wake Levi, we’ll need him.”

“Yes, sir.”

She hurried across the room, weaving around the sleeping bodies, practically on the tips of her boots; Eld was the one she spotted first, with his blonde hair glinting in the weak light. The Captain was nearby, stock-still and on his side. There was a moment of quiet hesitation as she hovered over him, but it was quashed with the panic that was coursing through her. She gently placed a hand on his shoulder; he was just as solid as he looked. Though he was deceptively short for Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, he was not lacking in terms of sheer muscle, which was every bit as intimidating in its own right.  
  
“Captain?” she murmured. He was stirring a little, but at her voice, the icy eyes opened.

“What is it?”

“Major Zacharias and I need your help; one of the survivors is going back to the forest, the watch spotted her about five minutes ago.”

He sat up immediately, cursing under his breath and shed the thin sheet that had probably barely kept out the chilly night air.

“We need to get a move on, now.”

He slipped into his jacket with a fluid movement and they swiftly moved to the entryway, which served as their armory. With an unspoken efficiency, she helped him buckle the 3DMG in place before they exited the building. Mike was already waiting with their horses. Two of the watch soldiers were at the gates, wheeling them open just enough to fit the horses—any more and the noise would have the whole place woken up. Henning was perched atop the wall, still peering through his telescope.

“Lost visual contact about a minute ago,” he called. “She was straight ahead. The battlefield was to the south-east, right?”

“Now that she’s in the forest who knows where she might end up,” Mike said darkly. “Henning, inform Erwin about all of this—but keep things quiet until he says otherwise. Alright, move out!”

The three soldiers tore across the landscape in a small, V-shaped formation with Mike at the helm; with his acute sense of smell, he was probably the only one who would know where they were going with any accuracy. The wind was picking up, buffeting them and swirling the clouds in the sky over the moon with alarming frequency. Vision came, and went, and in the end, they could only trust their horses to guide them as their sight failed.

Within the next few minutes, they’d entered the forest, its massive trees blocking out all but a few slivers of silvery light. Aisha closed her eyes to keep the fluttering light levels from distracting her, relying on her hearing as she’d learned on her nighttime ride with Levi all those months ago. Aside from their galloping hooves, there was a disturbing stillness…

“3DMG, now!”  
  
Her eyes snapped open and she triggered her equipment at the nearest tree, flying off as the horses continued their course. She picked a high branch—about thirty metres up; further up than any known Titan aside from the Colossal could reach. Levi and Mike were in the adjoining foliage, and rappelled over to join her.

“There’s a Titan awake,” Mike said with a sniff. “Maybe two.”

“Abnormals?”

“Who knows,” he murmured. “I can pick up something human this way. We may as well just stick to the trees and hope we find her before those things do.”

Levi unsheathed his blades. “It could be easier to hunt those fuckers down directly and then try to find her.”

“Point taken,” Mike closed his eyes, as though he was concentrating deeply for a few seconds. “They’re closing in, actually. We don’t have much of a choice.”

Aisha fitted her own blades and started at the sudden, drawn out scream.  
  
“They found her, let’s go!”

She jumped off of the branch and swung through the trees, the Captain at her side.  
  
“Get her off the ground as soon as possible, Aisha,” he called. “I’ll handle it.”

For once, it didn’t occur to her to argue. “Sir!”

He darted forward with eye-watering speed; she concentrated meanwhile in searching the dark floor of the forest for Kate. For that, she needed to go lower, which would make her a target for any Titans nearby. She had to trust the Captain—and of course, with Mike nearby, they would have backup. She was as safe as she was going to get.

A flutter of the regiment’s cloak barely caught her eye, and she changed course with a sudden snag of her 3DMG lines. Kate seemed to be running. She had little time to look for where the threat was, she could only accept that her life was pretty much in Levi’s hands. She dipped, one arm coming down to grab the girl in mid-stride; she could hear the thundering of steps behind her and gunned the trigger up again. There was a searing pain as all of Kate’s weight pulled at the muscles in her side; she let out an involuntary gasp but gritted her teeth through it. She came to rest on a high branch, and collapsed near to the trunk for support, clutching her aching ribs.

“What the hell did you do, Kate?” she ground out. “And why aren’t you using your gear?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Kate’s expression was solemn in the dim light. “I shouldn’t have come back—my gear broke when I hit a tree in the dark and-“

Aisha held up a hand, still trying to breathe without pain. “You can explain at length if we survive this. Come on, if you can’t move, you and I are going to have to rely on one another.”

The forest floor shook with a crash; Levi had felled whatever was below them. Aisha sighed, and motioned to her back.

“Hold on to me and for the love of god, do what you’re told this time.”

She sniffed and nodded, clutching the other girl’s shoulders with a vice grip. Aisha took a deep breath and launched them both off of the tree. It took some doing with the extra weight, but her overzealous training had paid off—she’d become stronger and she was used to balancing with extra loads. Through the murky, steam-filled atmosphere she was barely able to see a silhouette. They landed nearby.

“I got her,” Aisha said, massaging her side again.

“Captain—I…”

“We’ll discuss it later,” he said shortly. “Get the horses.”

Kate managed a whistle, and by then, Mike had joined the trio.

“I smell more, but I don’t think they’re moving.”

Levi’s eyes darted to the source of the steam. “There were two awake, like you said. Aside from the fact that they were active, they seemed like ordinary Titans. One was even slower than usual, like it was groggy.”

The horses had trotted towards them; Mike mounted his and gave a final sniff of the atmosphere. “I won’t take it for granted that the others will stay asleep, given what happened tonight.”

The Captain’s reply was grim and dry, as usual. “Yeah, because we know luck has fucked us sideways more times than we could count. Let’s get out of here.”

They urged their horses forward, weaving towards the edge of the forest; luckily the moon was out, so they could at least tell what direction they were going. It was slinking back into the darkness when a deadly roar sounded in the distance.

“Fuck—keep moving!” Mike called. “There are more!”

They felt the wind blasting in open air as their horses tore across the open landscape, with the sounds of giant feet running after them. Coming closer and closer.

 _I am not dying here, not like this._  
  
Aisha looked back, and saw one of the things running at full speed. She reversed seating on the horse and fired; the moon was hidden again as she slashed blindly, instinct driving her for the spot where the nape should be. The limpness of the creature below her boots assured her victory; she followed it to the floor with a crash. She could still hear more of them…then more crashes, presumably caused by Levi and Mike. The former finally trotted towards her when the moon came out, holding Azur’s reins. There was a hint of uncharacteristic relief on his face, which just served to make him look more morose.

She struggled a little to re-mount her horse, and winced at the sharp throbbing in her side. “Kate?”

“She’s fine. Crying like a baby with a shitty diaper, but fine.”

“We’re a few minutes out,” she said a little weakly. “Let’s get moving, I don’t think I can do that again.”

“First hint of self-preservation I’ve heard from you,” he commented. “You might actually grow out of being a brat one day.”

The injured girl suppressed the urge to stick her tongue out at him as they pushed their horses into a run.

_I’ve got unfinished business and a lot more Titans to kill before I die._

The silvery light was hazy when they finally got back to the base. Aisha felt the throbbing in her side ease slightly as the tension of battle lifted. The other watchers had obviously woken the commander and some of the others; they were waiting with the gates open, lanterns and torches in hand.

Erwin took Hange’s lamp as she started looking over the girl. “Is everyone fine? You ran into active Titans at night?”

“We barely made it,” Mike admitted. “It’s one thing to face them out here, it’s another to face the abnormals in the dark.”  
  
“We’ll deal with this in the morning,” he looked down at the shaking figure. Kate had begun to cry again. “You all need to be looked over.”

Levi dismounted his horse and approached Aisha, who hadn’t budged. “You alright?”

“I think I pulled something,” she winced. “Kinda hurts to move.”

“Not as indestructible as you thought, huh?” he reached across to help her ease off of the saddle. He was as strong as he looked, and easily supported her as though she weighed nothing.

“Is it a sharp pain or an ache?” Hange had finally sent Kate off to bed, and was now peering at Aisha in concern.

“Little bit of both,” she said meekly. “If I move or breathe too deeply it hurts.”

“Might be a hyperextension or a pulled muscle,” Hange ignored the little hiss as she prodded the area. “Nothing like a sharp stab, right?”

“No,”

“Alright, well it should pass with a hot compress and some bed rest. I can barely wait to hear about what you found tomorrow!” she turned to Levi, looking him up and down. “You look like you always do, so I’m assuming you’re fine. Mike’s gone off to fill Erwin in, so she’s all yours.”

Azur’s restless neighing just _barely_ covered the Captain’s growled cursing. Hange smiled angelically and sauntered away. It was an easy enough path to get inside with him helping to keep the weight off of her right side; everyone else was still asleep, and the soft sounds of crackling flames were soothing. Near the drawing rooms, Eld was waiting his face slightly pale and washed out in the dim firelight.

“They woke me and said someone ran off into the forest,” he whispered. “So I waited up in case we needed extra hands.”

“Good, because we do,” Levi said blandly. “Fix a hot compress and bring it over.”

To his credit, Eld only looked mildly bewildered. “Sir.”

Aisha looked around at the cold stone floor with wide-eyed apprehension. “We’re staying all the way back here? But the fireplace is—“

“Too far away, unless you want me to carry you,” he said darkly. “And that would hurt the sprain and you’d yell and wake everyone up.”

She positively pouted. Levi’s mood was not improving; in fact, he was beginning to develop a steady pain behind one eye. _Goddamned brats._

He trusted her to keep standing long enough for him to fetch some bedrolls and place them in their new corner, nestled behind some supply barrels. By the time Eld returned with the hot water and the towels, she was curled in a tiny, painful ball on her frigid bedroll.

“We’re good from here,” the Captain said. “Now go back to sleep. We have a lot of shit to get done tomorrow, and because tank girl went and injured herself, you have to pick up her slack.”

Eld visibly blanched. “I—yes sir.”

Aisha stared at his retreating frame, “That was mean.”

“Shut up and pull up the blouse so I can put the damn compress on,”

“I’ll freeze to death if you get my clothes wet,” she protested.

“Then unbutton the fucking thing.”

There was an awkward silence. Aisha tried very hard not to so much as _glance_ in his direction as she loosened the buttons of her blouse with her good hand. She slipped her shoulder free on the injured side and lay still, waiting for the compress.

Levi shelved the rising annoyance in his chest and concentrated on the job at hand. There was no telltale bruising like there had been on Victor; though, if there had been she would have probably been dead already. He tested the heat of the towel on his hand carefully and placed it over the length of her torso, feeling the muscle spasm. She gave a little sigh of relief.  
  
“Better?”  
  
“ _So_ much,” she said. “I want to keep this thing on forever.”

“I’m not sitting up and changing it all night,” he said blandly. When it cooled, he replaced it with another, repeating the process until the hot water had gone tepid, which didn't take very long given how cold the night was.

“How’s it now, kid?”

There was no answer. He felt a mild alarm, but she was still breathing—when he sought her face, he’d realised that she’d fallen asleep. He breathed a long sigh, wanting to curse, but at the same time admitting—very grudgingly—that it was endearing. A little _cute_ , even. The brat had her moments.

He moved the basin and towel away, pushing them against a small book that had fallen out onto the floor. It was old, a little worn around the edges, but it looked expensive. A cursory glance at its contents, even in the dim light was enough; he tucked it back into the girl’s jacket and settled onto his bedroll with a grim expression. He was staring up at the ceiling, fitting all of those little pieces of what had happened earlier in the year into place. That did explain why Mike had been hesitant to tell any of them about what had transpired in Wall Sheena. He hadn’t even told Erwin.

A small weight pressed against his shoulder, and he smelled pine needles. He let her fumble closer in her sleep, seeking warmth; it was a habit reminiscent of Isabel, making it easier to let slide through his thick veneer. Was that it? Was that why he was feeling like this?

_Yes, obviously._

No, there was something else…

He thought back to the moment that he’d noticed that she engaged the Titan back there; he saw her flying through the air, poised to attack, and then it went dark. He vaguely remembered the last time he felt that panic, and it had a very different outcome. This time, he stole himself and did his job. He trusted the skills that had made her the top student in her class—the ones that had gotten her onto an elite team even as a baby soldier. She had a better start than Farlan and Isabel did. They never had military training; they were very good, even without it, but instinct and natural talent had a habit of sending people to an early demise out here.

In the end, she was fine save for the sprain. But that did not put him at ease. On the contrary, it bothered him a great deal, bubbling beneath his skin in a roiling mix of uncertainty and apprehension. He felt the soft brush of her hand as she shifted and wondered just how much his friends would laugh at him if they saw him now.

And everything about that thought _hurt_.

 


	12. Trouble: The 28th Expedition, Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so happy that people are enjoying the story! The comments and kudos really mean a lot. I know these OC pairings aren’t the most popular in the fandom, and I came in with that in mind so it’s really nice to see your appreciation. It’s really motivating :)
> 
> I feel like I should also tell you guys that I’ve already written three sex scenes because I have absolutely no patience. We’ll get to them, but I just had to get some of these ideas out of the way. I think you guys will love them ;) I’ve also read chapter 84, and good lord, that was intense. It really has me wondering whether I should re-evaluate the possible ending for this fic/series (it’ll probably come along after the actual series ends). I want to keep to the tone of the manga, so depending on how the series shapes up, I may have an alternate ending. 
> 
> Also, if anyone is wondering what I headcanoned Aisha as looking like, here’s a post on it (she's *much* smaller in the chest though): http://flailed-state.tumblr.com/post/148164771257
> 
> (This link is spoilerless, but please don’t look at the blog’s home page unless you want to be spoiled! All spoilers are tagged, but I want to warn you just in case.)

_I see the morning dew creeping on in_  
_Inside a calling voice from deep within._  
_So I borrowed a book_  
_With pages so blank and wrote down some words  
_ _Then I sang them out so they could be heard._

_Don’t you worry it will be returned_  
_To you all shiny and new._  
_Don’t you worry it will be returned to you_  
_All shiny and new._

 _Walking down what used to be my street,_  
_Now paved with disbelief_  
_Friendly faces turning away,_  
_Whispering hey—hey now, hey now, hey now!_  
_There he goes, he must be mad,_  
_Speaking of a friendly place in this world_  
_Ain't that sad?_

 

Aisha awoke to fledgling sunlight pouring through the large windows in the foyer; the pain in her side was reduced to a sore ache that protested as she tried to sit up. The air was as frosty as usual, leaving her reluctant to leave the warm bedroll.

It was just a bit bigger than it used to be, though.

She looked down, and flushed a little at the sight of another one, right next to hers; it was empty, but she’d probably rolled over into it after its occupant had left. Said occupant was meanwhile in the archway leading to the dining rooms, holding his cup of tea in his usually awkward—yet somehow graceful manner, staring out at the little rows of sleeping soldiers who’d been on watch that night. Ignoring the pain, she used the cold stone wall to get up, dragging a hand through her sleep-tousled hair.

_Well, this was a new one. Time in the military is certainly not as routine as they advertise._

Unfortunately, with the sprain, she didn’t walk across the room so much as she _limped_. Oh well, grace wasn’t necessary in battle, right?

“Hard of hearing, soldier?” he asked with his usual deadpan.

“Not particularly,” she said softly. “Little bit stubborn though.”

He scoffed. “Get in the room and sit the fuck down, idiot.”

She gave him a little smile and sidled into a chair as he disappeared down the stairs. The old grandfather clock in the dining room had been re-tuned, and read just after six in the morning. The rest of the soldiers who hadn’t been on watch were probably already awake, waiting for signs of Titan activity and continuing to set up the supply point.

The Captain came back and shoved a small mug at her, still scowling as he pulled a chair.  
  
“That notebook you keep carrying around fell out of your pocket last night,”

Aisha felt the smile slowly disappear from her face. He really was as blunt as a cannonball.

“You never did talk about what happened in Wall Sheena, and neither did Mike, for that matter,” he said coolly, continuing to sip his tea.

“I didn’t even talk to him about it, really,” she said, reclining in her chair to stare up at the ceiling. “I just never knew how.”

“I’m guessing you know why you ended up in the Undergound then,”

“From what I’ve gleaned, I think when my mother died, Varnhagen got married to a _respectable_ woman and she didn’t want me,” she explained. A tired frustration was building in her gut; Aisha pulled the bands from the snarling waves of her hair and combed a hand through it absently.

“That’s who you went to see.” Levi’s voice was remarkably bitter. “Your father.”

She laughed lightly. “Yeah, Ambros wanted to settle the debt he thought that he was owed because of everything the family did to him. It didn’t work though, the stupid fuck was too much of a coward.”

“You don’t expect much from the folks in Sheena,” Levi scoffed. “As a general rule they exist to fatten their own hides and make things shittier for the rest of us.”

“The thought of him _buying_ someone,” she ground the words out through gritted teeth. “Like she was a horse or livestock. She hated him so much and his head was too far up his own ass to see it.”

“The traffickers operate in the Underground, you know.” Levi said. She raised her head and looked at him. “They’re usually the ones who make the most money down there.”

“You mean, for all these years…I was _close_ to them? How many more of us could there be?”

“Who knows at this point? I’d hazard a guess that Krause kept you out of the public because of it,” he finished his tea and rose up from his seat. “Talk to four-eyes; she had an idea about some of the old clans in the Walls. Just be warned that she’ll fucking bore you to tears for hours about it.”

Aisha took the book out of her breast pocket and stared at its worn exterior. Many of the pages seemed to have little droplet marks—as if someone had cried while writing.

_Clans?_

_How many more of my people are suffering?_

\---

Hange was outside with her team, compiling reports from those in the battle yesterday. She spotted Aisha with glee, a manic gleam appearing in her eyes; a quill was shoved into her hand and she was practically carted into one of the benches.

“I need your report from yesterday! I keep trying to find Levi, his is always so clipped—I mean he doesn’t really have a way with words, but c’mon I’ve made recruits re-write reports as short as this,”

Kate was nearby, hunched over her own parchment. She was huddled into a little mass, as though trying to appear as small and inconspicuous as possible; her face was still red with crying.

“He was in the commissary,” Aisha said, biting back a smile. _Oh, he’s going to murder me if she finds him._

Hange turned to Moblit, who was looking utterly harassed as usual. “Supervise these two, will you? Let me see here,” she sifted through the reports to find a small sheet. It was true, Levi had written a pitiable amount—barely a paragraph. Granted, everything had happened in the dark, so there wasn’t much to tell, but it certainly seemed like a page’s worth of details to Aisha. “I’m going to find the Captain.”

She watched the Major storm off with amusement, before looking towards Moblit. “Have I just done something terrible?”

Moblit laughed shakily. “You have no idea. Half the time I think he’s going to crack and kill her with his bare hands.”

Aisha giggled. “Fantastic.”

He walked over to Kate to see how her report was going; she hastily snatched it out of his view. Dismayed, he made eye contact with Aisha, unsure of what to tell the girl.

“Kate,” she said quietly. The girl jumped as though the mere sound of her name burned. “The commander can’t have been that hard on you— it’s your first time out here, no one died, and you weren’t hurt.”

Tears started leaking from her eyes again. “You were though. The Captain made it clear this morning that I’d almost cost you your life.”

 _Levi?_ Aisha was perplexed. “I mean—I’d rather not have a sprain, but I was far from dying, _really_ , you shouldn’t—“

“I’m sorry, okay,” she said quietly. “I wasn’t thinking about anyone else.”

“There was a time when I thought about doing the same thing, you know,” Aisha said with a sigh. Kate’s large eyes focused on hers for the first time, and a heaviness was spreading through her limbs again. “During the breach, I lost two of my teammates, two guys I lived with and loved like they were my brothers. It killed me on the inside to know that one of them was still in pieces on some building. That his family would hear that he was never recovered. For just a little while, when we were collecting the others I thought—how hard could it be, you know? I could get to that rooftop and come back.”

“And why didn’t you?” her voice was barely audible as though she was trying to hold it together.

“Because Major Zacharias and Captain Levi saved me the first day out,” she explained. “The next day I watched so many soldiers die, some I could save, some I couldn’t…would I put them in danger again? Would I subject someone to that to save me again?”

“You were right,” Kate wiped her eyes.

Moblit sat next to her and patted her shoulder kindly. “Live and learn, right? You’re alive, Aisha’s alive and everyone else is fine.”

“What did the commander say, anyway?” Aisha signed and dated her own report with a flourish.

“I’m benched until further notice. Unless there’s an emergency I’m out of combat,” she said sadly. “Just as good, really, I learned the hard way that I’m not even as mediocre as I thought I was.”

“We should train together,” Aisha said suddenly. Moblit and Kate stared; she just had the overwhelming _need_ to help this girl. To do something so that Kate didn’t end up as fucked up as she was.

“You’re injured, but…I mean, you want to train with _me_?”

“Yeah, why not?” she said lightly, forcing a smile. “I might not be able to join you now but I can give you some pointers. I’ve got a few days of downtime anyway.”

Kate seemed visibly relieved, giving them the first genuine smile that the other two soldiers had seen.

“Thank you, really. I mean that.”

Hange had returned, paper in hand and a slightly satisfied look on her face.  
  
“He did another, which is going to be great for research purposes—but I can’t really submit this one to Erwin,” she flipped over the cover page. “He addressed it to Shitty Glasses, and it’s just full of profanity. He also misspelled _reconnaissance_.”

Aisha stifled a laugh, which sent a little bit of pain through her sprained muscles. Moblit was hiding his own grin behind his tankard, as his squad leader fussed over the documents in her hands.

“Oh, by the way Aisha,” Hange looked up with a discomforting grin. “Levi mentioned you were keen on learning about Titans and the clans; I _love_ to see rookies so enthusiastic about research!”

Aisha wilted slightly. “He did, did he? That was—ah, nice of him.”

Moblit gave her a sympathetic look. “Major, please remember that Private Kaur is injured, she also needs to rest,”

“True, we’ll give you the short version,” she grinned. “Alright, let’s start from the beginning…”

_Well played you evil son of a bitch. Well played._

\---

Surprisingly, Aisha found Hange’s tirade more informative than painful—this made it easy to flash the Captain an angelic smile when he and Eld emerged from the building to take their turn on watch.

“So, basically, you want to bring one into the walls?” she asked, sipping the tea that Moblit had been nice enough to bring out for them.

“Yes, if I can get the permission, of course,” Hange nodded vigourously. “I’ll get Erwin to come around sooner or later. In any case, we’ve been going on and on about Titans all morning—what did you want to know about the clans?”

“For one, what they were,” Aisha pulled her mother’s journal from her breast pocket. “I met my biological father earlier in the year; he was from Wall Sheena, but my mother was from one of these old clans. He’d…bought her in the Underground.”

Hange’s face took on a slightly more solemn tone as she took the book. “Ah, I see. Well, it’s not uncommon, I’m afraid. I have intel on about three clans, but there were probably so many more. Difference can be poorly received, but I’m sure you’ve known that all your life.”

Aisha nodded. “Yeah, I’ve heard everything from my skin being the sign of a curse to me being thrown in an oven as a baby.”

“I don’t expect the average person to be very good at sorting it out,” Hange smiled sadly. “The clan that I believe you came from was located somewhere very far—not as far as the Orientals, but it was somewhere in the middle. If you let me hold onto this…perhaps I can dig up some more. When we get back to the walls, you and I can go looking.”

Her eyes widened. “Thank you, Major. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

“Don’t mention it,” Hange turned her eyes skyward. “There’s so much we don’t know about the world—including ourselves. It’s the least I can do. I’ll talk to that squad leader of yours to let you off when we get back.” She rose from the table and looked at Moblit. “Alright, you take your lunch, I’m going to go sort out our final report for Erwin.”  
  
“Major, you need to eat too!” Moblit called. She waved him off lazily and kept walking.

“Who exactly is watching over whom, here?”

Her comrade sighed. “I don’t even know any more. I’ll go get our rations, let’s hope whoever was on lunch duty knew what they were doing.”

\---

[Two weeks into the 28th Expedition]

“Kate, you’re dropping your knees again,”

“I thought I had it,” she complained. “Can I take a break? My abs are killing me,”

“Yeah, why not?” Aisha looked around; through their few days of training, they’d somehow accumulated a few hangers-on. Most were rookies like them, and came around when they were let off of their team or squad leaders’ charge. Kate unhooked herself from the makeshift harness and groaned, rubbing at her midsection. Moblit had been especially helpful; with gas reserves being so important, it was impossible to train outside of the Walls with the 3DMG. Somehow, he managed to make a frame that was very much like the training harness they used in the corps, but with more give in the lines. The resulting apparatus was hand-cranked, winding up enough force to slingshot the person in it to allow them to work on their manoeuvering while they moved.

Someone else volunteered to try, and hopped into the harness; the object of the exercise was to be well clear of a small fence that functioned as an obstacle—and sometimes as a Titan’s nape. Most of the rookies were having difficulty not overshooting their dodging, which not only would waste gas, it could cost them a Titan kill.

“Y’know, you could be a team leader in no-time,” Moblit pointed out.

Aisha snorted as she took a sip from her canteen. “I’m just teaching them what I figured out the hard way.”

“Yeah, but it’s more than the rest of us have gotten,” he said mildly. “You, Henning and Gelgar are really good. Those other two aren’t good at explaining things though,” he added with a laugh.

He was right about that—Henning and Gelgar were both pitiably bad when it came to report writing and descriptiveness. They communicated well enough with one another, but to those outside of their team…it was a chore. Erwin had already sent back their reports to be redone, causing Aisha and Moblit to stay up with them for several nights and help them.

Nanaba had finished her daily duties and had also joined the fray as an observer.

“I was wondering why Erwin was so amused for the past few days,” she looked at the training apparatus with a small smile. “He says you’re all getting antsy without anything to do.”

Aisha blanched slightly. “This isn’t against the rules or anything, is it? Kate wanted pointers and then it just sort of snowballed.”

“No, it isn’t,” she assured the younger woman. “Besides, it’s probably useful. How’s your injury, by the way?”

“Gone, for the most part,” Aisha said with genuine happiness. “Major Hange said I should be back at it tomorrow.”

“Well, that’s going to be welcome,” Nanaba stretched lightly. “Don’t tell anyone, but I think Mike prefers having you on watch with him. I’m always with the stationary guard and I think Henning and Gelgar drive him up a wall.”

“Yeah, he takes some…” she broke off, searching for the words. “ _Understanding_ to work with, to say it lightly.”

Nanaba laughed. “He’s a man of few words. That’s probably why you get on so well with the Captain too.”

Aisha thanked her lucky stars that she was tanned enough to hide the sudden flush. “Ah—I don’t think we’re on particularly good terms. We just chat.”

“He doesn’t _chat_. That’s the thing,” she said. “It’s good to build that rapport. You’re doing all the right things—just remember to keep your head on out there.”

“Everyone keeps telling me the last part,” Aisha sighed, slightly exasperated. “What am I doing wrong, exactly?”

“You’re a one-woman squad, but you’re not a one-woman army,” Nanaba said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “There are some risks that you take that are just borderline unnecessary.”

Aisha was silent for a moment; she _knew_ there was something to Nanaba’s words but—

“When are we heading out?”  
  
“That’s what I came to tell you. We’re on the move tomorrow; the protocol is a bit different, as you’d expect. You’re with Mike again, but there’s no going off on your own this time—that’s not because of anything you’ve done,” she added, spotting Aisha’s reproachful look. “But because we need to keep the best of us safe, uninjured and together from now on. We don’t know what went on out there when that soldier ran off. The reports, coupled with the ones from the squad the day before have been worrying.”

“What d’you mean?”

“There’s at least one Titan out there that’s an abnormal among abnormals—we don’t have enough intel to identify it other than the fact that the others swarm whenever its around. Levi could’ve sworn he saw a flash of something, but it was dark that night.”

“Does that have to do with the weird roaring I reported?” she asked seriously. “I didn’t see anything myself since I was looking for Kate…but after, when we were heading back—this _roar_ rang out and the others started running after everyone. But it wasn’t anywhere back in the forest, it seemed like it was somewhere near us. It’s like whatever it was _followed_ us.”

“But you didn’t see a Titan, did you?” Nanaba asked. She looked towards the horizon, her eyes squinting as though she were trying to see something beyond it. “A small Titan would draw attention to itself pretty quickly—even at night.”

“No, but what the hell else would make that sound?”

“There’s the conundrum,” Nanaba, “we don’t know anything more than that. Mike’s not even sure what he was able to pick up either. Until we figure it out, we need to be much more careful than usual.”

“The world’s just making less and less sense, isn’t it?”

The older soldier sighed heavily. “I hope we’re wrong, but it sure as hell feels like it.”

\---

When she was freed for dinner duty, she found Gelgar in the cellars while she searched for more cast iron cookware. His usually pristine pompadour was a little limp from the manual labour today, but he seemed in oddly good spirits.

“I’m not sure why you’re down here, but did you happen to spy a cooking pot or something?”

“There’s a really dusty one behind those crates, _but,_ ” he said excitedly, “look what I found!”

He held up a case of dark bottles, leaving his teammate to stare incredulously.

“What’s that, wine?” she asked mildly. “You sure you want to be drinking out here?”

“Why not?” he asked reproachfully. “It’s not like anyone else is going to use it, besides, we’re pretty much done for the day. You’re not on guard duty tonight, are you?”

“No, I’m just off of injury,” she plucked a bottle from the crate. “Looks like ale actually. Geez, you could’ve drunk your fill _before_ we left, you know. We had a year of twiddling our thumbs.”

He snatched the bottle away. “You’re not going to join me, fine, but not going to rat me out right?”

She let out an exasperated sigh. “Just don’t drag my name into it if you get caught.”

Hoisting the cooking pot onto her hip, she rolled her eyes at the man before she left.  
  
“You don’t know what you’re missing Aisha!” he called.

 _“You don’t know what you’re missing Aisha!”_ she murmured mockingly under her breath. “Damn dandy little jackass.”

“Taking up talking to yourself? I thought you were supposed to be resting.”

She looked up to see the Captain seated near the kitchen hearth, staring imperiously at the cellar entrance.

“I’ve found that I’m not very good conversation,” she replied sagely. “I’m a bit of a bitch sometimes. I also took pity on your poor man and said I’d help with dinner duty—he’s pretty much been working double duty for almost two weeks.”

He kept looking at the cellar as she moved the heavy pot to the sink, his eyes thoughtful. “Who the hell is down there?”

“Gelgar,” she said, pumping water into the sink. She glanced at him with mild concern. “You’re not going to get him in trouble, will you?”

Levi scoffed. “For what? I don’t have time for all of the shitty rookies and their mischief.”

“Great, well,” she began scrubbing the dirt off of the cast iron surface. “He found some ale and I think he’s planning on drinking it all. Probably not at once—I mean _hopefully_ not at once, the blasted fool…”

She hadn’t been looking at him, or she would have noticed the change in his eyes. Levi reclined into the chair and cursed himself again.  
  
“Not planning on helping him?” he asked blandly.

She rolled her eyes at the pot. “Considering Major Zacharias can tell when last I’ve washed my hair, I don’t think I’d get away with it. Gelgar’ll just learn the hard way.”

His usual surliness was broken by mild amusement. “No speeches on it not being ‘soldierly behaviour’? Tch. I think we’ve underestimated you,”

“Yeah, I’m a wild-child in my spare time,” she said sarcastically. “Doesn’t it show?”

“If by that, you mean that you want to find the most efficient way of fucking killing yourself, I _suppose_.”  
  
She dropped the washrag into the sink with a thud and rounded on him. He stared right back.  
  
“Geez, d’you need me to move the table to give you two room to murder each other?” Hange’s bubbly voice broke the silence. She waltzed into the room and grinned at Levi, “You’re not scaring her are you?”

“What do you want?” Levi asked irritably.

“I just came in to get a cloth when I interrupted your lovers' quarrel,” Hange replied, raising her hands in mock-surrender. “Aisha, are you sure you’re ready to deal with him tomorrow?”

The younger woman just gaped absently at her superior.

“Oh—well, I suppose Mike was going to tell you. You and he are on Special Ops tomorrow,” she explained. “I’m sure you’ve heard that we’re expecting some problems.”

“If she wasn’t so busy playing house, I’d have suggested that she dust the cobwebs off,” Levi placed his tankard down and rose from his chair. “Because I don’t expect to be babysitting.”  
  
Aisha bristled slightly. “You don’t get rusty after two weeks.”  
  
“Willing to bet your life on it?”

While it was true that she was helping Kate train, she hadn’t touched a 3DMG while injured. Her instincts still felt as sharp as ever, though, she did admit that there was a tinge of anxiety that was growing in her chest. Just a small, yet very potent sliver of self-doubt.

“Well, what’s it going to be?” Levi asked impatiently. “Are you going to make dinner, or are you going to go outside and pick up a sword?”

Aisha rolled her eyes inwardly and wiped her hands off; she gave Hange an apologetic look.  
  
“Could you find Eld for me—?”

“Yeah, don’t worry,” Hange waved her off. “I’ll loan him Moblit or something. I can’t guarantee we’ll be happy about what they come up with though.”

“Thank you,” she smiled, feeling just a little guilty. The poor guy had been so worn out these days.

The Captain’s voice called from the other room. “Now hurry the fuck up, I’m not waiting forever.”

* * *

The sun was beginning to wane in the sky, colouring the landscape in burnt orange. Levi hung back as the girl worked through the makeshift course he’d made; they would be using some of the older farmhouses at the very outskirts of the castle premises to do their training. It was doubly useful—they were still within the enclosed safe haven of the base, but they also had a good simulation of the neglected buildings they’d encounter during the coming days. He didn’t bother to warn her about the possibility of collapsing rooftops or unsteady beams—she’d have either figured it out, or would learn it the hard way.

He placed small marks were just _barely_ discernable on the wood panels in the side of the buildings, leaving her with the challenge of hitting them with her hooks and moving to the next mark fluidly. She shot past him, slipping only slightly when the first hook gave way—another was placed into the beam of the next building, right on the mark. She easily made it to the last building, treading very carefully around the rotted spots along the wooden roof.

“Satisfied?” she called.

“Get down and practice your blade work,” he said evenly. “And keep the sass to a minimum.”

“Yes, _sir_.”

God, she was a handful.

He had little course to worry about her physical readiness for the next day, however—he did have concerns over her mental state. She was probably right about being sharp and unaffected by her two-week convalescence, but that was all down to her exceptional status. Even then, she still lacked the maturity to be objective. As he knew with _particular_ certainty, that lack of awareness could be deadly.  
She rappelled down to the yard again, and drew the swords from her sheaths to practice her slices on the many hay-stuffed canvas bags that the others had set up. It was a poor substitute for their course at home, but it was the best they could do, given the lack of space and resources. The tightly packed hay yielded easily under her strikes; when she retreated, he was expecting a complaint—instead, she turned one of her blades around and looked at him expectantly.

“How do you hold your blades like this?” she tested them in her arms, trying to emulate his circular arc. “I feel clumsy.”

“You look clumsy.”

She stuck her tongue out at him, colouring slightly as though she was surprised at herself for doing it. There was an odd feeling in his chest, which he soundly ignored; he walked towards her and drew his own blades with ease. With a fluid turn, the canvas yielded like butter scored with a hot knife. She was watching him closely, and shifted her stance slightly, still too loose around the shoulders to move smoothly.

“Hold on.” He sheathed his weapons with a sigh. “Your stance is angled too much; the torque isn’t coming from your shoulders, it has to come from your whole body.”

Aisha stilled a little as his hands pulled her shoulders straight, coming down to her torso to adjust her stance. _How was she this small?_ He pushed the very loud thought in his head about how absolutely _tiny_ around the middle she was. As he removed his hands, he was uncomfortably aware of the wide hips that tapered out. He clenched his fists and let out a slow breath as she gave another attempt.

“Better, now try it again,” he kept his voice even, but there was a note of strain that he couldn’t suppress. She carried on as though nothing had happened.

“What d’you think would happen if I switch the other one?”

He willed himself to bury the unwelcome thoughts with purpose, and found himself hoping that she’d just call it a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a little bit of fluff, a little bit of plot and a little bit of crack xD
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys! Updates may be a teeny bit slower since I'm busy trying to get my MSc registration sorted, but I'll try my best!


	13. Until We Are No More: The 28th Expedition, Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooookay, I'm back (sorta!). I totally underestimated grad school >.>
> 
> Yeah, don't do that.
> 
> I hope that you guys are still around! I ended up finally finishing the chapter tonight. I'll try to dedicate at least a few spare moments per week to write. It's not like I don't have the ideas, I just have so much reading to do! (Seriously, after I upload this I have to go trudge through 30+ pages of reading, and this is a *light* day ;-; ...But I love it though. It's fun torture.)
> 
> The song is by Moonspell :)

_Every man’s a sinner, every man’s a liar,_  
_Life’s a slow procession into the fire.  
_ _Carry the weight or crush under it_

_Every man’s a sinner, in the name of the father,_  
_History’s repeating into the fire.  
_ _Carry the weight or crush under it_

_We started wanting to be ourselves until we are no more._

_Breathe in,  
_ _Breathe out,_

_You reached the top of the chain_

_Inhale.  
_ _Exhale._

_You made it ‘til the end of days._

[Year 846]

[Two weeks and two days into the 28th Expedition]

“It’s like this place was frozen in time,” Eld murmured. He was right; the ruins of Gorj were an unsettling amalgamation of nature taking back its domain, and the struggling ends of mankind trying to hold onto its home. The streets were littered with weeds, broken roof tiles that had fallen from neglected houses and the almost macabre belongings of those who fled. The wind carried a cool summer breeze, leaving a deceptive feeling of peace within their surroundings.

“We haven’t seen a Titan in a while,” Levi pointed out. “Stay alert.”

The day-long ride had been an uncommonly quiet one; there were a few Titan spottings, but thanks to the formation they had generally been able to steer clear of them. The few abnormals that cropped up were split between the two special squads situated on either side of the flanks. One was Levi’s Special Operations squad, with the addition of Aisha and Mike; the other was Nanaba, Gelgar, Henning and two other high-ranking scout veterans.

“It’s almost like the commander is expecting the most trouble to come from our end,” Aisha had said.

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Mike had replied with a sniff.

The formation was tighter now that they had entered urban territory; they continued to move in their semi-circular pattern, but reduced the space between their ranks. It would be far too difficult to get to a comrade in trouble on horseback in these conditions; 3DMG would be their best bet.

“I see white smoke, the Military Police outpost is up ahead!” Eld called.

Aisha urged Azur forward as the formation picked up its pace; she could see the scouting teams right on the adjoining street, their eyes combing the surroundings for anything amiss. With Mike nearby, their job was a lot easier—but no one was taking any chances.

The large, brick building was coming into view; the gates were broken, which provided an extra challenge. Erwin’s second white signal came—this gave the others the order to circle the compound while Levi and the others searched the building. Smaller Titans could have easily infiltrated the outpost, and until the building was cleared, it had to be treated as an active Titan zone. Aisha followed her squad leader into the yard; the squad remained mounted and traced the perimeter, giving Mike a chance to track any Titans. With nothing outside, they made their way back to the entrance and switched to tracking them on foot.

“There are some in there,” he explained. “Not sure how many, but they’re in there.”

“They probably got trapped,” Levi signalled to the debris at the doorway. “We’ll clear that after we get rid of them. We can get up to the third floor, break a window and move downwards.”

Eld nodded, looking towards Aisha. “In an unsecured urban zone that’s always your best choice; if there are no taller Titans that can reach in and grab you, you always aim for the higher floors. The smaller ones usually can’t get up those stairs.”

“Got it.”

“Alright everyone,” Levi drew his blades. “On the count of three.”

At the signal, the familiar feeling of blood rushing through her ears was all that Aisha could hear within the second that it took them to scale the building. Levi was the first through the window, breaking the glass and rolling to safety. Aisha was next, taking care to get as far out of the way as possible. The other two men joined in quick succession. They dusted the shards from their cloaks and paused, listening for movement.

“I can smell them in the building, but they’re not coming any closer.”

“That puts us at what estimated Titan class, Private Kaur?” Levi asked sharply.

“Three to four,” she answered.

They moved carefully down the hallway. “And why not five-metre class?”

“The Military Police have a smaller armoury, they don’t carry 3DMG often so their gas reserves are smaller—they’d rely on the garrison’s HQ. A five-metre class would be too big to get into the room.”

“Good.” They were approaching the first flight of stairs.

“Aisha, hang back—Eld and Levi are taking point, you and I are on standby.”

“Yes, sir,” she fell back to walk alongside her superior. This did make it easier—with her and Levi being smaller, it was now possible for the pairs of soldiers to walk down together. She could hear them; the rumbling had started, now that they’d heard the movement from above. They’d probably even caught their scent, just as Mike had caught theirs.

Floor by floor, the soldiers made sure there was nothing lurking around. There were a few stray mice, and more than a fair share of spiders making their homes in the abandoned building, but it seemed otherwise uninhabited above the ground floor. Aisha dimly registered that her heightened alertness carried no tinge of anxiety or fear—she hadn’t felt fear in the face of Titans since they began the expedition.

_Was that a good thing?_

“Alright, we’re right up to the ground floor,” Levi said. There was a faint grumbling from below, they could hear the scrabbling as the Titans were trying to claw their way up the narrow staircase. “I’ll signal to the outside, they’ll send a squad to the doorway and see if we can lure some of these ugly fucks away so we get some space.” He walked to the grimy, dust-coated window and threw it open, firing a yellow flare. On cue, a small contingent of soldiers stopped their circling and entered the yard.

“Good, now,” he turned to the others. “Eld and I will take the ones closest to the stairs, Mike and tank girl are going to handle the ones to the other end of the room. Any idea how many?” he added, looking at Mike.

“Five, at least.”

“Keep your eyes peeled,” Levi nodded curtly at Eld and Aisha. “Let’s go.”

                                                                                                                                ----

  
Aisha’s blades sliced through a Titan’s Achilles tendon, rolling out of the way of its desperate lunge. Mike summarily cut the beast down, leaving the soldiers alone in the room. It was rare that Team Zacharias got to use any of their team-based strategies, but with Erwin on high alert, no one was allowed to work on their own—even Levi.

“Ugh, it’s like a fucking gutter in here,” he scoffed in distaste. He threw open the window and fired the yellow flare to signal that the mission was over.

Aisha squinted through the murky steam. “Let’s get out of here, they’ll take forever to get the debris out from in front of the door.”  
  
Mike helped Aisha onto the windowsill, peering through the fog as she dropped down. “I’m sure Erwin will have a lot more work for us anyways.”

Levi exited the building without any help, watching the formation pile through the gates with apparent disinterest. “He’s probably thinking that whatever’s out there will make us a target. We’re pretty much at a disadvantage with all these buildings—we can’t see shit around us.”

By now, Erwin had broken the ranks and had trotted over to the small group. “That’s why you’ll be securing a radius around here. We’ll want a trench at the very least, and while they’re busy doing that…”

“We’re keeping the Titans off of them.” Levi finished for him.

“Exactly. We’ll use the same grouping as before, but this time, I’m adding some more men to support your squad.”

Aisha blinked. It seemed overkill, even if they were expecting some abnormal to come launching itself at them. The purpose of Squad Levi and Squad Zacharias was to use _less_ manpower to complete a job.

Levi gave Erwin a long look, almost as though he was considering a complaint.

“Fine, let’s move out. They can join us out there.”

“Replenish your gas and blades before you do anything,” the commander warned.

Aisha and Mike exchanged a glance. They’d barely used any of their supplies on the way here.

The Captain’s expression was neutral and his tone was oddly measured. “Fine.”

Aisha felt the familiar swoop of dread filling her stomach. _What in the world was going on?_

\----

  
It was around midday when Aisha had led some of the other rookies to take inventory of the area surrounding their temporary base. The more experienced squads were slightly ahead, so they were by all standards rather safe. She felt slightly out of place leading a squad, but for some reason, the commander had placed her in charge of one. The streets themselves were full of weeds and broken cobblestones, but every now and again, there was a shadow of what used to live here. One of the squad members found a journal hastily dropped in the escape and was almost beside herself; it was well-known that many people from Gorj were overrun. The town was just too close to the breach, and too far away from the evacuation zone.

Aisha kicked in the door of one of the dry goods stores, hoping for at least some supplies. The more they could scavenge, the less of their own provisions they’d have to leave behind. The place was musty, with thick cobwebs hanging in curtains from the wooden beams. Dust lay an inch thick on the dry, neglected oak floor.

“Aisha…”

Kate was behind her, sounding a bit pinched.

“What, are there any signals? I didn’t hear a flare or anything. This place shouldn’t take too long to clear, it’s a one storey building and the entrance is too small for even a _tiny_ Titan…”

“No, _look._ ” She pointed to the far corner of the room, near to the service counter. Aisha swallowed hard.

Like a discarded doll, the husk of a human body lay amongst the strewn packages and debris. Aisha approached it slowly, her hands clammy with anxiety. She’d seen bodies of the freshly killed—she’d even seen them beginning to decay…but this was different. It was sadder somehow, to see it like this, forgotten and nameless.

She stopped short of the blackened ring that it had left on the floorboard, probably from when it had started to rot. Its skin had browned and leathered with age, leaving very little in the way of identifying even if it had been a man or a woman. A skeletal face peered back, with empty eye sockets and tightened skin pulling dried lips back from its teeth. She spotted a small patch on the darkened sleeve of its threadbare jacket and bent slightly to read it. There was no smell of decay left, just one of dust and age. The sight of the patch however, made nausea rise up in a powerful wave. With a hand clapped over her mouth, she backed away from the thing as though it had shown some sign of life. Kate and the others had remained a ways back, and it was clear that her reaction was serving to make them uneasier.

“What is it?”

“That’s the patch of the conscripts.”

A tall boy with sandy hair let out a pained noise and lurched from the room—she could only stare after him with a hollow, distant feeling in her chest. Most of the soldiers left had known someone in the ranks of the conscripted forces. Some of them had been family.

“They made it all the way here,” another boy murmured. “And they didn’t get eaten.”

There were footsteps approaching, but the soldiers remained pensive. “What’s the hold up in here, and why is that kid throwing up our valuable rations all over the street?”

Aisha looked up at Levi helplessly. “We found a conscript.”

He strode over to the corpse, keeping outside of the ring of decay. With unchanging eyes, he looked at the patch for a while before moving to tear it off. The aged fabric yielded easily.

“From the looks of it,” he nudged the nearby knife with his foot. “They decided it wasn’t worth it to starve to death. We should be able to find the person’s identity from the number on the patch. We’ll take it back to their family.”

Aisha stared down at the body and tried to keep her mind from going there, but there was no use. The body was far too large to be Lotte’s. Where had she died? Where had she been? Did she make it this far with the rest of them, with no way back?

“Aisha,”

She started slightly and looked at the Captain. “Pull yourself together soldier. Now is not the time.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” she shook her head, trying to force the thoughts out. “Come on, we need to see if there’s anything left.”

She tried very hard to avoid looking at the body as they searched.

\----

  
It became clear that Gorj was the final stand for many of the conscripts. More bodies were found with the military insignia upon almost pathetically mismatched, peasant jackets. Aisha had steered clear of every single one of them. Her squad remained perched on the rooftop of a townhouse, near to squad Levi, which had the addition of Gelgar and another, older survey corps member for the day.

“I can’t tell if it’s going to be a good thing or a bad thing that we can carry those patches home,” the sandy-haired boy murmured.

“Yeah, the rest of the families will want something, but we can’t give it to them,” Kate said despondently. Of course, with her own cousin being irretrievable, the findings were taking a toll on her quite keenly.

Aisha let them talk without reminding them that their mission was to keep an eye out for any encroaching Titans. They needed the outlet. Their quiet conversation melted into the background as she scanned the landscape, feeling the cool wind swirling the tendrils of hair that kept escaping from her messy bun. This could almost be relaxing if they weren’t in Titan country. The thought had barely formed when her eyes slid involuntarily to the black smoke at the very end of their perimeter. The familiar blood-curdling roar sounded.

“Look alive, guys!” she drew her blades, rappelling to squad Levi’s rooftop. They would be safer and more effective as a larger group, especially with so many rookies.

The others landed behind her in quick succession as she jogged carefully across the dilapidated roof.

“I think whatever Erwin was preparing for is probably here,” Levi said plainly. The crashing sounds of footsteps were audible in the distance. Aisha could barely make out the silhouette of a Titan looming in the street. Light hair swirled in the sunlight as it seemed to easily dodge the soldiers around it.

“Whatever it is, it brings more Titans with it,” she looked at the others. “And it moves quickly. We don’t know what it’s after.”

Mike landed nearby; the rest of their squad had been placed in the same area as well. Nanaba, Henning and Lynne were close behind, blades at the ready.

“Levi!” Mike moved across a chasm in the rooftop with ease. “There’s a whole lot of them coming this way.”

The Captain gave an irritated scoff. “Looks like he was right, it wants something here.”

“They’re closing in quickly.”

Aisha watched the strange Titan draw closer from their vantage point. The townhouses here were taller than most of the surrounding buildings, providing a relatively safe view of most of the approaching Titan classes. It moved _intelligently_ …as though it was ready for their assault. As it fled up the streets to avoid more soldiers, it became easier to see.

“Is that a _female_ Titan?” she gasped. “It has skin almost like the armoured Titan that broke through Wall Maria’s inner gate.”

“Looks like it,” Mike answered. “She runs like an athlete. What could she be looking for?”

Aisha looked around at the soldiers. This rooftop was actually the highest of the lot, standing four storeys high. Unless the Titan was an uncommonly large class above fifteen metres, they would not be easily visible to them. It seemed odd that a contingent that contained humanity’s strongest and second strongest would be put on the highest, safest buildings unless…

“She’s coming for you two,” Aisha blurted out. The soldiers stared at her. “We’re far away from any of the fighting, and we’re uncommonly safe, aren’t we? Why else would we be here? Earlier the commander placed Major Zacharias and me in squad Levi, essentially putting two of the best soldiers on one side of the formation. That’s not a normal move.”

Levi remained silent for a minute, looking at the Titan’s battle with their cohorts. No one seemed to be doing very well.

“The brat has a point.”

“You’re saying that _thing_ can think?” Henning asked incredulously. “Isn’t it bad enough to have dumb abnormals?”

“Listen,” Aisha said a little forcefully. “It showed up that night we rescued Kate. She sent all of those Titans after us, and it seemed as though she wasn’t expecting us out there. She wasn’t ready, but we were out there and she took the opportunity.”

Kate nodded shakily. “I saw a blonde Titan when we were riding away. I can’t tell you if it was a female Titan, but I could see the hair in the moonlight.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Levi snapped. “This is a great theory, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s tearing through the ranks. If she’s looking for us, it’ll be a matter of time until she finds us at this rate.”

“I’ll take your lead on this,” Mike moved to the edge of the rooftops with blades in hand.  
  
Levi put his hood up, and the others followed suit. “I say we engage. She won’t withstand the two of us, especially if she can’t tell who we are.”

Mike nodded. “The rest of you try and distract her, but steer clear of engaging her unless you have a good shot.” He glanced at the carnage ahead. “She’s killing some of our best people, so remember that this isn’t an ordinary Titan.”

Aisha nodded, fixing her eyes on the silhouette of the Titan before her. She was going to pay for the deaths she’d caused.

\----

With the arrival of their squads, the Titan’s behaviour became more erratic. More and more of the soldiers were taking their lead as they signalled to pull their hoods up. As many as fifty hooded Survey Corps soldiers were converging on the Titan—who seemed to be growing ever more desperate; Levi, in trademark style, was as quick as lightning, cutting her Achilles' tendons without pause. Mike cut the tendons in her arms as Aisha swooped in front of her, flipping out of the way of her powerful punches. As she fell, all hell seemed to break loose as though the other Titans she called had caught up. They charged with a furore that the soldiers had never seen before.

Many of their ranks were scrambling to staunch the flow of the incoming hordes; Mike and Levi were undoubtedly caught in the rampage behind the almost fifteen metre fallen Titan. Aisha swirled around to face the female Titan, firing a hook into the nearest building to get enough height to attack her nape. With an astonishing speed, a muscular arm shot out—Aisha had little time to register how quickly she had regenerated. The swipe was clumsy, but it took out the side of the building that she had been attached to.

Rubble flew in all directions as though the wall had exploded; she fired to the next building, keeping her arms in front of her head to protect herself. The ensuing scramble up that building was lost in a blur of action; with her last-ditch effort, the other Titans had enough time to converge. Aisha found herself gripped by a ten-metre class in the melee, and desperately tore herself free with her blades as Nanaba swooped in to cut its nape. She spotted Kate and the sandy-haired boy on the roof, paralysed. Ignoring the blood that was dripping down her face, she swung herself towards them, pulling them out of the reach of one of the incoming Titans. Her shoulders protested with their weight, but she kept them in a death-grip until they were able to engage their 3DMG.

“W-what’s happening?” Kate exclaimed. “She’s gone!”

Aisha stared through the thick steam at the broken street. The female Titan was nowhere in sight, and now, all of the Titans she’d brought were busily ripping their way through the forces.

Aisha fired a black flare again and loaded the first cartridge that she could reach into the gun.

“Stick together and conserve gas, we don’t know how many of them are out here,” she told them, starting off towards the edge of the roof again. A nearby Titan had cornered a few of the other rookies in a relatively open space that lacked any walls for their 3DMG. Without engaging it, they didn't have a chance.

Aisha fired a flare into its face as the Titan reached for them. Her hooks latched into its back as it swatted the air around it; the distance from the building wasn’t large enough to provide a huge amount of swing to reach the nape, so she sufficed by running up the beast’s body as the reels pulled her up. She pushed off of its back in a somersault to get the space she needed, re-firing her hooks higher into its neck. The Titan fell as her blades cut through its flesh; she ignored the steaming body and headed towards the stranded soldiers.

“Are you all okay?” she asked mildly. She could feel the blood on her forehead beginning to gel with sweat and dirt into a disgusting sheen.

“Yeah, we just couldn’t get away and it—was blocking all the walls nearby,” a shaking boy explained.

“Get to higher ground,” she told them. “Stay together.”

They nodded and rushed off, leaving their peer with the fizzling Titan corpse. As she rappelled to a new vantage point, she vaguely registered how odd it felt to be taking charge of the people she would have graduated with. They may have been in the same class, but looking at them, shaking in the face of death as she had done almost a year ago—she felt irrevocably different from the others. It had changed her somehow. Some persons crumbled under the trauma, but others chipped away at themselves to return stronger.

Aisha replaced her blades and prepared to engage another Titan. Sometimes there was no way to know which side you were on until it was time to do or die.

\----

The retreat was possible only when the other forces managed to arrive; by the time it was complete, night had fallen and those Titans left had begun going inactive. As a precaution, they were killed anyway, just in case the female Titan returned. Twenty soldiers in total died at the hands of the Titans that day, and at least thirty more were injured to the point of inactivity. Aisha returned from the fracas with her joints aching from the continued 3DMG use, which was only compounded by the many times she had to pull people away from danger. In some blissful miracle, her squad had all survived unscathed. She met Mike at the water troughs, where he was tiredly splashing water over his face.

“I’m alive,” she murmured weakly, following suit. The water stung the cuts on her scalp and face, but it was so very welcome.

“For once, I didn’t worry,” he said matter-of-factly. “Funny, because nothing like this has ever happened before, but I didn’t feel like you’d be the type to die there.”

“It’s weird,” Aisha slopped more water onto her now aching head. “I didn’t feel scared either. I just kept going and going. It’s like I didn’t have to think, I just _did_.”

“It happens,” he nodded. “In any case, you’ll have to be like this a little longer. We’re headed back tonight.”

Aisha stared up at the sky. The moon was still waning, but the night was cloudless enough. Given a stiff pace, they could probably return to Wall Rose in four or five hours. However, if clouds came out…they’d be stranded in the dark.

“Get something to eat,” Mike gave her a non-committal pat on the shoulder. “You’ll need it.”

Aisha managed to drag herself to the rations, where soldiers were already trying to cram in as much sustenance as they could before they had to return to their posts. She took a ration bar and chewed absently, taking a swig of water every now and again to wash the dry, tasteless fare down. Her searching eyes rested on Eld, who was leading his horse from the nearby stable; she downed the rest of the bar and water before rushing over, despite her protesting limbs.

“Eld!” she appeared at his elbow, causing him to jump slightly. “Where’s Captain Levi? He’s okay, right?”

“Of course,” Eld yawned. “He’s with Erwin talking about what happened today. He was more concerned about you becoming a blood-splatter on the pavement, to be honest…”

“Yeah, I lost sight of him and Major Zacharias when the Titans all showed up,” she explained, quashing the embarassingly large wave of relief that flowed over her. How could anything happen to Levi? She was being ridiculous.

“He’ll feel better knowing you’re in one piece,” Eld said casually. “It bothers him a lot when good soldiers die, especially the young ones. He might not show it but he’s a pretty caring guy as far as his subordinates go.”

Aisha nodded, paying only a vague attention to his words. Her mind was far too busy chastising itself for the flush that she could feel rising on her cheeks.

* * *

  
Mike entered the make-shift operations centre and placed a few ration bars firmly in front of the two men, along with their canteens.

“You both need to fuel up before we get out there. The soldiers are almost prepared to leave.”

Erwin opened one of the rations and obediently took a bite, with a small smile. “You are a reliable friend you know, Mike.”

“At least as far as reminding you that you’re human,” Mike sniffed. “And you,” he glanced and Levi expectantly. The shorter man scoffed and tore open one of the wrappers with a little too much savagery to be normal.

“I know you’re upset that we didn’t get her,” Erwin said calmly. “I am as well. We lost good men out there because of her.”

Levi said nothing, but continued to chew.

“Who do you think she was after?” Mike asked. “Levi, me or both of us?”

“It seems like it should be the both of you,” Erwin explained. “But Levi is far more visible. She may have set her sights on you as the biggest threat.”

“But what’s her end goal? Can a Titan even have a goal besides eating humans?”

Erwin sighed, crumpling the empty wrapper and picking up another bar. “We can’t know right now. We have to investigate further. I have Hange compiling everyone's preliminary reports right now.”

Mike looked at the deepening creases under Erwin’s eyes and thought against pressing him further; they were all incredibly uneasy after what was discovered today. Most of the others didn’t know, of course. It would be best to keep it that way.

“Alright. In any case, I want to recommend Aisha Kaur for promotion.”

Erwin looked mildly surprised. “Already?”

Levi stopped chewing. Mike noted that some of the tension in his shoulders seemed to melt away at his words.

 _Hm. It seemed as though while he wasn’t worried about their younger cohort, Levi hadn’t been as confident_.

“She handled herself well and showed that she could lead her peers. A few of the preliminary reports from team leaders say that some of their men were rescued by her today.”

“It’s always a morale booster to have someone rise to the top, honestly,” Erwin smiled slightly. “What do you think, Levi? Is she ready?”

Levi swallowed the tasteless rations and cursed himself inwardly as he nodded on instinct. Since he became part of the corps he had _never_ been this invested, felt this utterly savaged by relief with anyone, even with his own men. After Isabel and Farlan died on their first expedition, all he had left was a shadow of a connection to other people. He had lost men before. Good soldiers, ones who he had worked with for a while…and that still chipped away at him. This feeling, however, was not _chipping_ away, no—it was pulverising his insides in the most confusing, painful way. Why was he so attached to her? What in the world was happening to him?

But the other part of his brain was more easily pleased. She was _alive._

He pushed his chair off from the table and walked out as the two men began discussing the particulars of what the new rank should be. When he got outside, there she was, seated atop her horse and yawning as though she hadn’t slept in weeks. Her hair was dishevelled, and there were dust and cuts all over her, but she was there. When she met his gaze and smiled, he felt the overwhelming urge to punch himself until this feeling was utterly eradicated.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi is not good at feeling things xD
> 
> I'll see how quickly I can get the other chapter done. I appreciate the patience you guys! <3


	14. As Above, So Below: A Brief Respite, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little more personal and fluffy in this chapter (with fanservice hhuehueheuheue). Also, I was supposed to be doing an assignment, but I wrote the end of the chapter instead (;-; I am going to die tomorrow srs).
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys! I'll be here drowning in work T.T
> 
> Song by The Agonist!

_Return to the earth,_  
_Away from tangled nature._  
_Down, down, down! Again._  
_She searches through her mind for her garden._  
  
_Take the answer’s failure to describe_  
_Simplified delusions._  
_Taste the yearning underneath her skin._  
_Liberation within._  
  
_As above, so below._  
  
_A proposal in reverse!_  
_Consume the flesh of progress._  
_She contemplates surrender_  
_At the bidding of the conclave._  
_She falls back into herself._

[Year 846]

 [The day of the return]

 

The formation piled in single file through the outer gates of Wall Rose, each soldier trying to bury the fatigue and hold their head high.

“They’ve been gone for a while this time!”

“Almost three weeks at my count,”

“Commander Erwin really is something, I can’t see Shadis ever managing that.”

The murmurings rose to a fever pitch as they wheeled some of the dead and injured in—two more had fallen to Titans as they approached the safety of the gates when the sun rose. They had been too worn down to react properly.

Aisha’s eyes burned with the need to sleep, so she continued to gaze vacantly ahead. A man was pushing at the crowd, cowing them with ease until he got to the front. She slowly and with effort, shifted her eyes towards him.

 _Ambros_.

The smile he was giving her was as genuine a joy as she’d ever seen. He took off in a run until he was at Azur’s side as they trotted along.

“You made it,” he placed a hand on her arm, almost as though he was trying to make sure that she was real.

“I did,” she nodded. “I’m a real scout now.”

“If Lotte was here, she’d have thrown you a parade, honestly,”

The unexpected words stung, and Aisha coaxed her mind to keep the sight of those aged corpses buried. She forced herself to smile and reached for her locket, that held the precious portrait.

“I kept her close, don’t worry.”

He slipped a small note into her hand and held it. “I’ve been doing some work of my own while you all were gone. Here’s the address of our new home. I’d expect the brass will give you enough rest time to come visit,”

She looked surprised. “You left the Underground?”

“I was going to tell you, but I decided to wait until I had everything in order. With the expedition happening at the same time, I didn’t want you to worry. He’s not one to talk, but I’m glad Levi didn’t tell you either, in any case.”

Aisha gaped at him. _Levi—what?_

“Ah, there he is. I’ll see you, there kid. Get a few nights’ sleep and I’ll show you everything. We’ll have a long talk.”

Her large eyes followed his long strides towards the Captain.

_When did everything become so confused?_

\----

HQ was a flurry of activity when the soldiers returned; new recruits and those left behind were busily preparing the barracks and the mess hall.

“All right everyone,” Erwin’s powerful voice carried over the din. “Take your horses to the stable and have a good shower. If anyone needs medical attention, we have the medical staff on standby. No one in this group is to work for ten days; fill out your reports and go back to see your families.”

The exhausted battalion let out a sigh of relief. Aisha, Henning and Gelgar led their horses to the stable, easing their stiff, painful limbs off of the saddles.

“Are they staring at us?” Aisha glanced at a knot of soldiers at the very edge of the training field.

“Probably,” Henning yawned. “Must be the guys out of the 100th Training Corps.”

Gelgar nudged his teammates. “You see that? Smoke is rising from the barracks. Do you think we’re getting hot water?”

“Oh god, I hope so,” Henning gave a groan as his joints creaked with each step.

“I may just sleep in there,” Aisha murmured. She waved tiredly as the boys moved to their own quarters.

Nanaba was nowhere in sight in the women’s barracks, so with a grateful air, the younger woman shed her bloodstained, dirty uniform and slipped into the small shower. She let out an audible sound of relief as the water hit her skin—it was indeed warm and utterly comfortable. Still, gravity fed tanks weren’t limitless, so she forced herself to scrub the congealed blood and sweat from her limbs before reluctantly leaving the soothing jets of hot water.

She picked her simplest dress—one made of dark blue heavy wool with its lighter surcoat—before falling into her bed. Summer was waning quickly, and the warmth was welcome. It was only when Nanaba had left the shower, that Aisha stirred slightly, opening her eyes with reluctance.

“There’s nothing like coming back,” the blonde woman said, stretching to the tips of her toes. “I hate to rip you away from your nap, but the Commander wants to see you later.”

Aisha rolled over and groaned. “Can I be considered AWOL if I sleep in?”

Nanaba laughed. “He’ll cut you some slack, but it shouldn’t take too long. I think he said six this evening.”

“I’ve got an hour,” Aisha raised her head slightly to look at the small, hand-wound clock on the dresser. “I’ll go eat in the meantime.”

“Let me know how it goes tomorrow,” her comrade yawned. “I’ll be asleep.”

“I kind of hate you right now.”

Nanaba laughed. “I’ll get over it.”

\----

Aisha found Moblit in the mess hall in their usual spot; he was visibly uncomfortable as he ate.

“It’s like they’ve never seen fellow soldiers before,” he hissed.

She glanced at others, many of whom were still staring at every person who’d come back that morning. “I guess we used to be them.”

“Were we though?” Moblit took a mouthful of his potatoes and chewed thoughtfully.

“True, we didn’t have a normal induction to the corps,” she sighed. “We got thrown right out of the frying pan and into the fire.”

“I feel like they think we’re better than we really are, to be honest,” he smiled sadly. “I mean, you’re great, but the rest of us are barely hanging on. Kate and the rest of them ended up just taking their food and leaving. It’s too uncomfortable to be looked at like that…when you _know_ you’re not that person they want you to be.”

“Hey, you guys survived too,” she said firmly. “You did just as much.” She met the gaze of a dark-haired man, who sat at a table with other rookies. He matched her for a minute before dropping his eyes.

“Maybe one day we’ll match that ideal,” he said. “In any case, it’s nice to have at least _one_ of us be capable.”

“Well, if you recall, most of the really capable ones died before we ever got to enlist,” she said bitterly. “If Simon and the others were here…”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Moblit added hastily.

“I know you didn't,” she took a sip of water and finished off the rest of her meal. “I just wonder, you know? What it would have been like if that day had never happened.”

“What was it that Captain Levi always says—No regrets, right?” he nudged at her elbow. “It’s not something you need to think about. Anyways, Major Hange says you’ll be joining us after our break, that’ll be great.”

The thought livened Aisha a little. “Yeah, she promised to help me look into where I came from. I can’t tell you how much of a big deal that is for me.”

“Hange is great,” Moblit nodded. “A lot of people write her off because she’s different, but you know,” he looked wistfully at his own hands. “She dedicates every bit of herself to this cause. She’s the most intelligent person I’ve honestly ever seen—I think she’s even better than Erwin.”

“She’s very kind,” Aisha rose from the table with her tray in hand. “And I’m going to be eternally grateful for this. I feel like there are so many stories that never get told, and someone like my mother—hell, her whole family…they deserve to have someone know. I deserve to know.”

“Are you afraid of what you’ll find?”

“Honestly? I’m terrified. But I’m a soldier, I do it anyway.”

 

\----

Aisha’s boots made little thumps on the polished hardwood of the officers’ building. Everyone else was likely asleep. She walked as quietly as she could to the fourth floor, where Commander Erwin’s office was situated; this was the first time she’d been in the place since the conscription. It had an air of old-world opulence that was rather lacking in the plain barracks that each team inhabited, but rather than making it feel more comfortable—Aisha found herself being rather uneasy. It reminded her slightly of _that_ place; where her so-called father resided with the family that shunned her and her mother.

Aisha sighed and knocked lightly on the door.

“Come in,” the commander sounded tired. His first expedition had gone well, by any standards, but it must have worn on him. Even with the corps being back, his job was still not done.

She pushed in and saluted. To her surprise, Mike was there. “Sir, you wanted to see me?”

“Yes, Private Kaur. Please,” he gestured to the empty seat before his desk.

Aisha wiped the apprehension off of her face and stiffly moved towards the chair. Near her, Mike had the tiniest of smirks; he knew the eccentricities of his subordinate probably better than anyone.

“Now, you know that the newer scouts are automatically raised to Privates, First Class when they return from an expedition.”

“Yes, sir.”

_Had she done something? Was the recklessness enough to bar her from—?_

“Your squad leader, Major Zacharias has suggested, however, that you’re above that level. Majors Hange, Ness and Captain Levi all agree. With that in mind, I have decided to promote you to the rank of Lance Corporal.”

Aisha’s jaw dropped. “Sir?” she squeaked.

He gave her a genuine smile. “I’m serious. Congratulations, Lance Corporal Kaur. You’ll now be a deputy team leader when the time arises. I’ve assigned you a few rookies and one or two of the Privates for training. As a part of the Heavy Offense Squad, your primary function will still be within Squad Zacharias, but when the need arises you will be training to organise and lead your fellow soldiers.”

She rose from her chair so swiftly that it almost capsized, giving another salute. “Thank you, sir. And Major Zacharias, thank you for your faith in me.”

The two men exchanged a glance and laughed.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve seen enthusiasm,” Erwin explained. “Good luck, Lance Corporal, and enjoy your time off—you’ve all earned it.”

Aisha wandered down the stairs feeling slightly lightheaded.

A _Lance Corporal_?

She touched the locket around her neck and wondered what Lotte would have said. It would have been something proud, yet so very dry—as though she’d always expected it. The old woman had always given the impression that she saw more in Aisha than the girl could ever see in her self.

“Wasting your free time in here?” a familiar voice scoffed. “You look like hell.”

She gave a wry smile, hoping that the heat rushing to her face remained unnoticeable. “Commander Erwin wanted to see me.”

“Right, he’s made you officially less of a snot-nosed brat,” Levi said blandly. He’d also changed out of his uniform, instead wearing a dark suit with his trademark cravat. As always, it was _pristine_.

“Thank you for recommending it as well, by the way,” she continued a little meekly. “I always got the impression that you thought I was a bit of a moron out there.”

“When the others are worse, _a bit of a moron_ isn’t as irritating,” he said. “Besides, the other brats look up to you. I hope that’s a burden you’re willing to grow into.”

Her face fell slightly. “I don’t even know how to be a leader, to be honest.”

He shifted his gaze slightly to the open window nearby. He seemed more reticent, if that was even possible. “You’ll learn. Just try not to get them killed unnecessarily.” Aisha kneaded the cool fabric of her surcoat a little nervously; she wanted to ask him about what Ambros had said, but she wasn’t entirely sure how.

She decided to forget it for now. “You’re not taking the rest if the day off, are you?”

He scoffed again. “No, I’m doing Four-Eyes a favour by going to look up the patches we brought back.”

A pang of sorrow buried itself into the pit of her stomach. She pushed it away. “Do you need help?”

He studied her for a second, his face expressionless. “Fine, if that’s how you want to spend your first evening back.”  
  
A genuine—but small smile appeared. “I just don’t think you should be stuck with everything on your first evening back either.”

He began walking towards the stairs; all of the records were kept in the floor below. “It obviously won’t be very fulfilling work.”

“Not all work is,” she replied. “But someone has to do it. It should be better with company.”

Levi didn’t reply, but he seemed to look rather thoughtful as he opened the large paneled doors. The rest of the evening was spent poring over hastily scribbled records, but she was right—somehow it felt rather less like a _job_ with her around.

Hours later, she yawned absently and sealed all of the little notes that would be the official recognition from the corps that the soldiers had been recovered. There was red sealing wax in a stray tendril of her hair, which she picked at half-heartedly, her eyes heavy-lidded and sleepy. It was almost a little adorable.

“Go to bed,” he sighed. The usual irritation in his voice was instead replaced by a strain of tiredness that had nothing to do with the fatigued ache in his limbs.

She mumbled something as she rose, but he was distracted by the way that the candlelight caught her face for a moment giving her warm skin a golden, regal glow. He shook his head; he really needed to sleep as well. He would have to inform all of the families tomorrow, and it would be a long, long day. Usually Four-Eyes or one of her subordinates would take care of it, but their squad been through the wringer on this expedition.

The girl waved lazily and sauntered from the room, leaving him discomforted and mentally exhausted. If he’d listened to her, he would not have been surprised to find her in her uniform, ready to accompany him the next morning.

\----

[Three days after the return]

Aisha rolled out of bed, relishing the feeling of waking up naturally for once. The fire had died down slightly, leaving the barracks a tad chilly in the morning. Nanaba meanwhile, was bringing in spare firewood.

“What’s the plan for today?” she smiled. “I see that you’re enjoying having nothing to do.”

“You bet I am,” Aisha yawned. “I’m probably going to Ziegeberg for a while.”

“That’s the village outside Krolva District, right?” Nanaba asked. “That’s a good two hours on horseback.”

“I’ll enjoy the scenery,” Aisha stretched lightly and began packing a satchel. “Ambros apparently lives there now.”

“The man who adopted you?”

She nodded. “Something got into him and it seems as though he’s been there for a while. He pretty much just told me about it when we got back.”

“Good luck then,” the older woman smiled kindly. “And remember to relax.”

\----

The roads that connected many of the villages to larger towns were rarely travelled alone; most persons kept themselves at home, or travelled only when it was completely necessary. Unlike life in the towns and outcroppings of Wall Rose, life was far less urban on the planes and frontiers. The eastern side of Wall Rose was particularly known for its mountainous, treacherous terrain—it made for good exercise and hardy people, as well as a sound industry of goat herding. The leaves of giant firs drifted through the breeze as Azur plodded on through the landscape.

Aisha breathed in the crisp air with relish; the journey alone was far more relaxing than just staying at the headquarters. She wasn’t particularly worried about bandits either—the weather was getting far too cold for laying in wait for some unsuspecting traveller, especially on such lonely, vast roads. Still, she kept alert, her hand never straying far away from a heavy iron pistol kept in the saddle.

Ambros had given her the directions not to the village itself—but to an area skirting it. She passed through the sleepy streets of Ziegeberg, seeing little but farmers and labourers milling through. A few stared openly—something that she’d grown used to. With her heavy cloak about her shoulders and the sparsely laden saddlebags, she was very obviously just a visitor. Azur however, with his large, imposing frame signaled that she was a soldier—and a scout at that. No civilian could have had a horse built like this.

It took about fifteen minutes of travelling beyond the boundaries of the village to spot the clearing that Ambros had written about. It was nestled at a wall of imposing fir trees, flanking one of the steep, majestic mountains that Ziegeberg was known for. A modest house had been erected out of wood, with a small barn off to the side.

_Ambros had definitely been busy for the past year._

She dismounted and led Azur up the craggy, rocky pathway up to the house. At the sound of the horse approaching, a figure appeared from the side of the structure. Aisha beamed; the time out of the Underground had truly done him some good. Lines were still etching themselves into his face, and his hair was still greying, but there was a glint in his eye that had long been absent.

“You finally got here,” he called. “How do you like it?”

“It’s—something,” she said, a little taken aback at just how massive the clearing seemed to be. “Do you own _all_ of this?”

“I do,” he gestured to the small, nondescript fence he’d started building some metres away. “That’s the boundary.”

“How did you afford this?” she gaped.

“We weren’t totally destitute down there,” Ambros explained. “Lotte also left me a few things that I sold.”

“What, like gold or something?” Aisha was still flabbergasted. This place wasn’t in the most choice of locations, it was true, but it would still cost a lot of money.

“Some jewelry, yes,” he admitted. “Most of it was hers when she lived with that bastard’s family in Sheena. We always kept it in case we wanted to escape from down there…a nest-egg, if you will.”

Aisha let out a low whistle. “Some nest-egg. I assume he doesn’t know you left.”

“Like I give a rat’s ass,” he said harshly. “I’m tired of living under the thumb of a coward. It took what happened to Lotte and a visit from that grumpy little shit to show me that.”

A perplexed crease appeared between her brows. “Captain Levi visited you? I know you mentioned him but uh—why?”

“Seemed like he was worried about how you were coping,” he led Aisha across to the barn to hitch Azur. “I didn’t expect it, but if it were Zacharias, I’d probably be missing a few of my teeth.”

She stared.

“You seem to keep forgetting that I was a soldier once upon a time,” he laughed lightly, catching the scandalised look on her face. “Mike and I served together. I don’t think he was very happy with me and how I handled everything.”

Aisha’s head was buzzing with all of the new information. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he didn’t mention this either.”

“His sense of smell seems to have taken his desire to speak for the most part—the man’s a damn near mute. I’m glad he’s your superior in any case,” he sighed. “He’s a good man—he has high standards, though. But you seem to have met them.”

“And you didn't?”

“Let’s just say I was a very angry young scout. It’s the reason I can’t do it anymore,” he touched at his lower back, where Aisha knew there was a long, wicked-looking scar.

Mike’s stern attitude when she’d gone off on her own suddenly made more sense; she thought back to the fierce look on his face at the manor in Stohess.

“Are you just exploiting my good nature or are you actually coming back to help me do this?”

The familiar voice made the swirling thoughts evaporate. She caught sight of the Captain, standing nearby with several lengths of neatly cut pinewood stacked behind him.

Aisha stared at Ambros and managed a weak “Why?”

Ambros shrugged. “I told him about the place and he showed up. He’s just as uncouth and crabby as ever, but he can carry a hell of a lot more than I can in my state. We always seemed to have an _understanding_ of sorts, even in the Underground.”

A stern voice cut across the confusion. “Hey, tank-girl, come make yourself useful.”

Aisha flushed slightly.

“Endearing nickname,” Ambros said drily.  
  
“Oh, shut up.”

\----

Aisha ended up taking care of things inside of the house and carting things from around the yard for Ambros as he continued building his fence. He’d finished a tiny paddock where he’d proudly announced that two of his newest family members were going to take up residence.

“You can afford livestock?” she bleated, looking suspiciously at her adoptive father. “You didn’t do anything illegal to get all this money, did you?”

“Nope,” he placed a few nails between his teeth, marring his speech a little as he continued hammering the planks into place. “I did some work as a labourer and a guard in the village when folks needed to travel during the warmer months. Took me almost a six months to get everything in order.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she exclaimed.

“Because you’d have acted like this and I would have gotten a headache,” he said blandly. She stared at the back of his head as he placed another plank, humming a little under his breath.  
  
“You seem a lot happier,” Aisha pointed out.

Ambros took the last nail out of his mouth and tapped it into the fence. “Weren’t you when you could live in the sun for as long as you wanted?”

She smiled sadly, thinking of Lotte. “Yeah, I was.”

“This place is everything I wanted, Aish.” The older man straightened up, combing a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair. “I needed to be free.”

She nudged him lightly. “Maybe find some company? I mean, if any woman could put up with you, obviously.”

“Don’t even start—“ he laughed. “Now go check on that kid in case he’s given himself a hernia or something. He’s been working all day.”

 _Levi—a kid?_ Aisha’s brain tried to wrap itself around _that_ particular concept as she flanked the house, where the sound of chopping wood had not ceased for a moment. She turned the corner and froze. Levi was still at work, all right—but in the sticky heat of exertion, he’d thoughtfully divested himself of the crisp wool shirt, which hung neatly nearby. The axe swung downward and her eyes traced the lines of thick muscle between his shoulders. Aisha momentarily lost thought of why she was even there.

“We should probably fill the reservoir for the bath,” Ambros had appeared around the corner and clapped a hand on her back, making her almost jump out of her skin. “You can take a break, you know Levi. We’ve got more than enough firewood. It’s getting a bit late anyway.”

Levi glanced over and put the axe aside; with effort, she looked at his face and not the chiseled planes of his chest and abdomen.

“I’ll uh—go draw from the well then,” Aisha said meekly. Ambros was giving her a very aggravating, very playful look. She stomped off with as much dignity as she could manage.

As she reeled in the water from the well, trying to ignore her burning cheeks, the wind wove through the fir trees lazily—almost like laughter.

 

* * *

Night fell and the trio retired to the house; furniture was sparse, but Aisha found a cosy spot on the floor near the fire while the two men sat at the modest table.

“Are you sure you don’t want the chair?”

“Your back is terrible.”

“Well, are you sure you don’t want Levi’s chair?”

“I like to live, thanks,” she gave the Captain a quick glance. Was he _smirking_? No—it had to be the firelight.

“When next are you all headed out?” Ambros sipped his tea pensively.

“It all depends on Erwin,” Levi said simply. “He’s still trying to get those fucks in Wall Sheena to sponsor more equipment. With the new crop of little shitheads running around, we’ll probably be holed up for another month. The second brigade may venture out before we do.”

“I miss the action, but I really do not miss the politics,” Ambros said mildly. He watched as Aisha began clearing up all of the dishes and cutlery. “How’s she doing?”

“Well enough,” Levi explained. “She’s been promoted to Lance Corporal.”

Ambros almost choked on his beverage. “She didn’t mention that!”

“I don’t think the brat is one to brag,” he said quietly. “She’s probably still coming to terms with it.”

“A lot of people couldn’t believe I let her enlist,” Ambros said. “’ _You know what it’s like out there!’_ and all that. I couldn’t stop her even if I wanted to.”

“Tch. Some people like holding on to their own hides, even if it means scraping by and living in a cage,” Levi scoffed. “Freedom has a price.”

Aisha had reappeared from the adjoining room, her hands wrapped inside of her dressing gown for warmth.

Ambros glanced over at the lone bed. “You can take that and—“

“No.”

“We’re accustomed to sleeping on the floor, if you didn’t remember,” Levi said drily. “I don’t really look forward to having to haul your old ass around because you pulled something, so just shut up and keep the bed.”

Ambros raised both hands in surrender. “All right, fine.”

“What about the loft?” Aisha wandered over to the ladder that led to a small, hay-covered space. “Should be warm, right?”

Levi rose from the table and made his way up the ladder. “Well, it doesn’t smell like a barn house, so I don’t have an issue with it.”

The girl turned slightly pink, though luckily, she was out of view. “Great, well, there we go.”

Ambros was giving her that _look_ again. Aisha feigned apathy, though she was sure it wasn’t convincing.

The loft was actually very nice; there was enough room to kneel upright, and there was a sliding hatch built in to the roof. Hay lay thick enough on the wood to provide more than enough comfort and it kept out the chilly night air nicely. Aisha slid the hatch back and stared out at the gorgeous moon, the wind swirling the zesty smell of pine and fresh air towards them.

Levi came up to find her with her knees drawn up to her chest, illuminated by the silvery light as she took in the sight. He was still unsure about whether he was right to come here; the old soldier needed the help, and was far too much of a stubborn fuck to ask. In the days that they lived in the Underground, Ambros had always been around—selling things and doing small bouts of part-time labour. Isabel had taken a liking to him, because he was one of the few adults in her life that didn’t turn his nose up at her. Because of that, Levi and Farlan came around in time, and the old soldier became more than just a face they’d pass every so often. If they knew that they had to hit the market or a business place, they would do it when he wasn’t there—they would routinely intimidate those that they heard murmuring to threaten him. Not that he _knew_ of course. But it made Isabel happy.

He watched the girl for a second and decided that he’d find something else to do for a while. She wasn’t like Isabel, but they’d have gotten along. Isabel was more outlandish, more precocious and childlike. Aisha had grown up very quickly—still with a coy, dry sense of humour, but there was a girl who knew what the world was behind that. In that sense, she was more like Farlan—sometimes the clown, but deep down, all business. He could easily imagine if they’d been allowed to meet that they could have become friends.

Though, people who became friends with him didn’t last long, did they?

Isabel was just a year or two older than Aisha was. It could have been her, laid waste to in that rainy, muddy field had she not been in training. Levi rubbed at his face as though to push the fatigue and confusion away. Ambros was still at the table, reading a leather bound book in the dim candle light. The sight of the book brought back the memory of that journal that had fallen out of her jacket at the castle.

“You’re related to her father, aren’t you?”

Ambros looked up. “My half-brother.”

Levi scoffed and pulled his chair closer to the fire. “Your family is a fucking mess.”

“That’s an understatement,” he yawned. They could hear Aisha’s footsteps coming down the ladder.

“It’s about time you explained that, to be honest,” she said flatly.

“All right, all right,” he put the book down. “From what I was told, my mother was from a small farming village in Wall Maria. She was given the opportunity to train as a maid; from a young age she ended up in the household of Varnhagen. The young lord of the house had other plans, obviously. He educated her well enough, she was growing into a proper lady despite her peasant roots. They wanted to marry, but of course, it wasn’t going to happen. I came along a while after, and then a few years after that came Xavier. We grew up together for the first eight years of his life.”

“So you knew the good life,” Levi interjected.

“I did. My father treated me like his own son. He groomed me like an heir, though, I couldn’t have been one. Everyone assumed I was his legitimate child, as he’d managed to keep my mother out of the public eye—they figured perhaps I was Lady Varnhagen’s. She would have been rather young and she wouldn’t have been married, so the line was that the family kept it hush-hush until after they were properly together. A bit risqué, but nothing truly improper.”

“So what happened?” Aisha asked.

“Blackmail, of course,” Ambros smiled wryly. “Someone doing business with him figured it out. They had bought off the doctor who saw to my birth, and were prepared to go public.”

“Tch. Of course; those swine stoop to any level,” Levi remembered the luxe carriage that had come to take he, Isabel and Farlan to kill Erwin Smith.

“It didn’t exactly _work_ ,” Ambros said. “They were able to dispose of him and the doctor before anything happened. However, this posed a problem. The family was adamant that something had to be done. So, Lord Varnhagen’s eldest son died quietly of an unknown ailment.”

“I’d imagine Lotte wasn’t happy.”

Ambros laughed. “I think she was livid that she ever allowed herself to be caught up with a man who had all of the power to define whether she was free or not. She’d been young and easily taken in—and it stung. As for me, well, it turned me into the cynical bastard I am now. When I got word that man died, I went out to celebrate.”

“You don’t know what happened with my mother, then.” Aisha looked pensive.

“Conjecture says that good old dad suggested to his son that instead of getting a mistress who was a woman on the surface, finding someone who’d never known freedom would be easier to control. There was always the chance that Lotte could have exposed him to her family and I don’t think he liked it. With your mother, she didn’t have a family around.”

She smiled bitterly. “He said he loved her, but she hated him.”

“Xavier has that effect on people.”

“In any case,” Levi continued. “There are more out there. Probably being traded in the Underground, by the sound of it.”

Ambros nodded. “One of the reasons I kept Aisha under wraps. I didn’t know anything, but I had my suspicions. I knew Kuchel as well, you know.”

Levi stiffened. Aisha looked at the two men, feeling the almost palpable tension fill the air.

He managed one word, and it was full of contempt. “Really.”

“I don’t mean in that sense,” Ambros said drily. “I only knew she’d taken up that side of things after she passed.”

“She went by another name, then,” he said quietly.

“Which is why it took me a while to put two and two together. I asked around one day, and they told me the woman who was living there died a long while ago. Said she had a ratty little kid a few years back, and he’d left.”

Levi stared at the table for a while before speaking. “I don’t remember a lot during that time, other than when one of her friends came and got me out of there.”

“From the sounds of it, I don’t blame you,” he sighed. “You’d have been what, four?”

“About.”

“I wish I’d kept better track of her,” Ambros admitted. “She wasn’t used to life down there.”

“And how’d you know she was my mother, then?”

“The rumour mill runs deep in those places, kid. You cropped up and people knew. Most of them died out eventually as you got older, but I heard about it. I thought maybe I should have stepped in, but you were taking to life in your own way as I see it.”

Levi could still feel the hard handle of the knife in his hands, the feeling of blood congealing under his nails. “You could say that.”

Aisha cleared her throat meekly, feeling as though she’d probably heard far more than Levi would have been comfortable with. “I’m going to go to bed then.”

\----

When he returned to the loft, he found the girl bundled into the hay, her face peaceful in sleep. The moon was still shining down through the hatch in the ceiling; a few stray pine needles had found themselves inside, and lay strewn across the surface. The tiredness in his bones that transcended his physical labour was still there as he dug a little niche in the soft hay. Next to him, Aisha shifted slightly and turned to face where he lay. 

She’d had a difficult life, no doubt. It began in luxury, but all of that was taken away. If her father had wanted, she could have even ended up in the same manner as her mother—a thought that gnawed at him. She could have easily been robbed of any chance of freedom. He thought of his mother and the suffering that she must have gone through. He never quite understood why she kept him. Had she felt something for one of the men that frequented her small, sparse but neatly kept home? Or had she just been happy to have something— _someone_ of her own?

The feeling of belonging—the one he had with Farlan and Isabel was long gone. In the two years that had passed, he was used to being alone.

If only he didn’t feel drawn to her.

If only he knew what the hell it all meant.

She stretched under the hay and moved a little closer. He quashed his warring thoughts and closed the distance a little more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's getting a little more feelsy, and honestly dumb feelsy Levi is fun to write. I always headcannon him as being the most obtuse motherfucker ever, so it's very satisfying to write him slowly trying to suss out his emotions. I almost forgot to mention that Ziegeberg and the general idea for Ambros' new home is based off of the book Heidi.
> 
> Also sorry not sorry for the Levi backstory feels. I had to >.> (Seriously, his mother fascinates me. We'll probably delve further into her character later.)


	15. 6 to 8: A Brief Respite, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eep, it's been quite a while ;-;
> 
> To be honest, I've been trying to churn this chapter out for months. Then finals happened :|  
> Now that I'm on vacation, I've got it finished and I'm hoping to get a lot of writing done. I'm also super hyped from chapter 89 and the season 2 trailer! I can't wait for April 2017! I hope you all enjoy this one, it's more angst with a bit of fluff >:D
> 
> The song is by AFI :)

_Six figures enter; they've come to destroy the world.  
_ _They've called together this storm almost every night._

_I awake in another place.  
_ _A familiar voice with a stranger's face, speaks more unheard words._

_What new friends will the day bring?_  
_One for one thousand acquainted.  
_ _What new home will the night bring?_

_When it all comes down you just throw the bones._  
_On the way_  
_I saw five hours of sleep, but your fire makes it all worthwhile._  
_On the way_  
_I wrote words for you to keep.  
_ _On the way, I saw myself._

_Lost myself along the way._

[Year 846]

~~~

There was a thud as his quarry fell.

Bloody knife in hand, he felt the man’s face crack under his feet as he savagely slammed his foot down. The crowd screamed—some in delight, some in awe. Levi pulled the too-big tunic up his shoulders again and looked for _him_.

Why was he walking away?

Where was he going?

The crowd was surrounding him, some of them tossing the money they’d won betting on him at his feet. _He_ was eclipsed from view. Levi took his spoils and managed to eat well that evening. Still, though he had kept enough food for two—there was no one else. He slept fitfully, his dreams betraying his desire for everything he felt that he’d never known. The stories of what life could be like. He awoke—unrested and confused, wondering what it was like to see the sky…the sun up close.

Days passed, and Levi kept on surviving. He kept waiting.

 _He_ didn’t return.

Why?

~~~

Levi’s eyes opened to the familiar feeling of fatigue and dread. That dream had not recurred in a while, but there was no doubt that this trip had brought it up again. He shifted slightly in the hay, only to stiffen as he realised that the warmth on his chest was a person. Aisha’s hand was clutched into his shirt, her head tucked slightly under his arm. She turned a little, her face grazing the skin of his forearm where he’d cuffed his shirt earlier; the contact sent a strange jolt through him. Her skin was so soft, almost doll-like.

He moved an inch away as gently as he could. She stirred, her hand releasing his shirt to rub at her weary eyes.

“Captain?”

His reply was nonchalant. “I must have bumped you or something.”

“Oh,” she yawned. She stretched, shivering slightly. When she curled up again, he could dimly see the goosebumps lining her skin.

He sighed in irritation; the strange feeling was back. “Come closer before you freeze.”

There was a pause as she seemed to consider it—when she shifted again, this time, she averted her eyes. Impatiently, he took her arm and pulled her; she squeaked and the flush was strong enough to show on her cheeks, even in the moonlight.

“Are—are you sure?” she asked meekly.

“I don’t know how you survived in the Underground in winter, but this is pretty much how we did,” he said bitterly. He thought of the many times he’d grumpily told Isabel and Farlan to stop horsing around when they camped together near their meager fireplace. They always pretended to listen before starting their shenanigans again.

“We?” her voice was tentative.

“I lived with two friends.”

“Did they come to the surface with you?”

He was almost glad that she was huddled much lower than his line of sight. “Yes, and they died on our first trip out.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, with feeling. “I didn’t—“

“I know. Don’t bother.”

He could still feel her eyes on him.

He was getting irritable again. “If you want to ask something, just do it.”

“It’s not a question, really,” she murmured. “You just—I thought I heard you talk in your sleep. That’s all.”

“I’d expect you’ll do the same if you live long enough,” he snapped.

She took the hint and left it at that.

\----

When he woke again, the presence of soft skin on his created a stab of guilt. He vaguely remembered the annoyance in his voice with a small surge of regret—what was he doing? Why was he acting like a child?

The sun was just peeking over the clouds through the hatch; the only sound in the area was the lulling hiss of the cool breeze through the fir trees, which was far less cathartic than it could have been. He looked down at the girl, who had settled again in that little space alongside him, her face slightly resting upon his chest—a small gesture that made him all the more uncomfortable. He extricated himself with some difficulty, but she didn’t stir. It felt _wrong_ somehow—this odd sense of comfort, as though the night had passed just a little easier. His body, used to the insomnia and disturbance of his frequent nightmares felt strangely lighter.

He moved down to the hearth, where Ambros was nowhere in sight. The old man had probably been up before dawn. Levi placed the heavy brass kettle back onto the hearth and wandered outside, his mind uneasy and disquieted. Ambros was busily in the stables, heaping straw and feed for his newest arrivals.

“You’re up rather early for someone who’s taking time off,” he chided.

Levi looked past him to the two little goats that had made themselves at home in the new paddock. “They smell fucking horrible.”

“They’re livestock, they tend to do that,” Ambros said lightly. “I haven’t named them yet, but they seem to be pretty calm about the move.”

“You got them this morning?”

“I went down to the farm near the village,” he nodded. “I figure when Aisha wakes up we can all go down to Ziegeberg together.”

“Why waste time there? We’re headed back to HQ tomorrow,” Levi said plainly. “The place looks like some sort of backwater shithole.”

“It is,” Ambros shrugged. “But she hasn’t really explored much since she’s been on the surface. Training days take you around the Walls, but they don’t let you _feel_ what life is like.”

“You think that brat as any bit of a country girl in her?” Levi scoffed. “Those people don’t understand soldiers.”

“They know all about _you_ though,” Ambros smirked. “Believe me, I get it. They all like to think they have an idea of what it’s like out there, but they don’t. I see the shit-for-brains lot of them complaining about everything we do.”

“They know about my record, they know my name, but they know fuck-all about me, for that matter,” Levi corrected him. “You can’t act like the people that die out there are useless but then claim to support the ones who live.”  
  
“There’s no helping ‘em,” Ambros sighed. “But I’d like her to see what it’s like out here.”

He could hear the kettle beginning to drone inside.

“She’ll hate it.”

\----

  
When Aisha had finally stumbled down the ladder from the loft, she seemed as though nothing was amiss. Ambros however, had gotten a little more reserved, staring into his teacup as though he was a world away. As she took a spot near the hearth, he rose from the table and moved towards her.

“You’d never think that kid could cook, would you?” he motioned to their breakfast.

Aisha took a mouthful and smiled despite herself. “I’m honestly not surprised.” She eyed him slightly as he sat still at the table, his cup held in trademark fashion. His face was carefully blank.

“Really?” Ambros asked idly. He seemed fidgety.

“Have you seen him?” Aisha said mildly. “Details are his thing.”

Levi sipped his tea.

“Huh, that’s true…”

“Why are you floundering, by the way?”

He couldn’t help himself—his lips quirked slightly as the older man spluttered in reply.

“I’ve got…something to give you. Well, it’s from mother and I.”

Aisha sobered at once. Ambros pulled a small chest that lay in a nondescript corner near the firewood. The girl placed a hand on the lid pensively and looked up at her adoptive father.

“I don’t understand.”

“When you were brought to us, that _man_ left a few things. Through the years he sent some by, but never personally. Mother also had a few things that she’d kept from her days on the surface, and she always wanted to give them to you.”

“I thought you sold her things?” Aisha said quietly. There was an extra sense of strain about her that was suspicious.

“Some…I sold the things she left me. I couldn’t touch what she’d meant for you,” Ambros sounded pained for the first time since they’d arrived. “She wouldn’t have stood for it.”

She opened the chest; it wasn’t a very large container—but its contents would have been no doubt valuable. She pulled a paper-wrapped item from the top, unfolding the carefully covered garment gingerly. It was indeed quite a valuable thing—even from where he sat, he could make out the fineness of the fabric as it came into view. It was a rich, jewel blue—possibly an evening dress, and it was made of a heavy, expensive material. She put it aside wordlessly and reached for the others, opening them and placing them onto the deerskin near the hearth fire. There were at least six of them, all easily worth more than the house they were standing in. Others were not as elaborate, but still, were far better made and finely designed than most citizens outside of Sheena could be used to.

She stared at the empty trunk for a while before speaking. “Why?”

“Some of them were your mother’s, I believe,” Ambros explained. “Some of them were Lotte’s.”

“But why keep them? We could have used the money.”

“Because mother never wanted to resort to selling them. She always said they’d never be sold fairly—and besides, they were too beautiful. Then you came along and she kept them for you.”

“Me?” Aisha laughed derisively. “I don’t really flounce around in skirts on a daily basis you know.”

“She wanted to give them to you when you settled down.”

The girl paused with her mouth open. “ _What?”_

“Well, she thought she’d give them to you when you were married, but…the military counts as settled, right?”

Levi felt that unwelcome drop in his stomach when her eyes seemed to flash towards him. Warm brown eyes met the steely grey of his own, and he was further unsettled without a good handle on _why_. None of this had anything to do with him. Did it?

He could hear Isabel’s voice in his head, and almost feel the briskness of that night as though it were happening all over again.

_She’d just finished eating an apple that they’d bought with a bit of their profits. Smacking her lips in that slightly annoying manner, she grinned up at him. “Big bro, why are you always alone?”_

_“Tch. I’ve got you two freeloaders, haven’t I?”_

_She pouted. “Not what I mean.” She looked out into the night, almost wistfully. “I mean you seem so lonely anyway. Like you’re unhappy.”_

_He felt a little startled at that. “We have enough to eat, we’ve got a roof over our heads—“_

_“There’s more to life than that, you know,” she said a little loudly. “Maybe you need to find someone.”_

_He looked at her sharply, but she didn’t flinch. “What do you know about that? And why the fuck aren't you pestering Farlan about this?”_

_She laughed. “Because he’s more useless with women than you are… And I want a sister!”_

He was beginning to develop quite the headache.

\----

  
The three of them were in varying levels of discomfort when they visited the village. Aisha drew her heavy cloak about her, staring at the cluttered wares at the market as though she was looking right through them.

“Would you like anything, dear?” the kindly old woman seemed a little concerned at the vacant look on her face.

“Oh—no, I’m sorry,” she said sheepishly. “I was just looking.”

She moved off towards the next stall, almost bumping into Levi on the way. With a mumbled apology, she kept at his side, her eyes pensive and unfocused. He sighed with some irritation, and took her elbow to prevent her from stumbling into any of the potholes left behind by the horses. Though he couldn’t know for sure, he could imagine what she was feeling—if he’d retained anything from his own mother…especially something that she’d _left_ , so far after her death… How could anyone cope with that? What were you meant to feel, other than profound grief?

Of course, this was much more complicated. It was not just the old woman; there were things from her mother—someone she’d never known.

She followed him limply, his grip on her arm the only thing steering her. He stopped at a small dry goods store and shunted her inside. The young man behind the counter became alert at once, his eyes fixed on them. Levi’s attention wandered to the bags of tealeaves that littered the shelves—Aisha’s gaze followed and she blinked with confusion.

“You’re taking tea back?” she asked in a small voice. “Don’t we have that already?”

“Not all tea is the same,” he scoffed. “Especially when the people who buy our stocks insist on getting the shittiest lot.”

Aisha thought about mentioning the fact that tea was _outside_ of their budget in the corps—it was widely accepted to be a bribe of sorts to keep Levi less crabby.

The shop owner sidled over, smiling politely at them. “Good day, may I interest you in anything?”  
  
Levi briskly asked for the tin that had caught his eye, leaving Aisha to give him a weary, but wry smile. The shop owner turned to her and grinned.

“And anything for you?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

The young man seemed a bit sheepish. “I was hoping you’d come in, miss.”

Aisha stared, feeling the absurd urge to step behind the Captain and hide.

He continued, “If you don’t mind me saying, you’re uncommonly pretty, by the way. We all noticed you ride through here yesterday.”

Aisha gave a bewildered flush. “I don’t quite know what to say to that, to be honest. Thank you?”

“I—I mean we don’t get a lot of visitors. We thought you couldn’t be married to that guy with the farm, as he’s much older,” he continued. “So I figured I’d introduce myself.” He flashed a smile.

Aisha continued to smile with uncertainty. _What does one even do at times like this? What’s he getting at?_

“Unless of course, you’re with him,” he said, his face colouring slightly. “I hope I haven’t—“

He broke off, looking at Levi, who was still frozen with the tin in his hand—trying to bury that _feeling_ , the strange heat of _exposure_ that made no sense…

“No,” Aisha said awkwardly. In that moment, she was sure that she rather be walking all the way back to the farm through endless mud over being here.

Levi curtly slapped the coins down onto the countertop and turned to her. “I’ll be outside.”

She watched him go with a sense of dread, wondering if that had somehow offended him; the shopkeeper seemed a little less apologetic now.

“I hope you’ll forgive me, I honestly—“

“That’s fine, don’t mention it.”

“I’m Lars, by the way. So you’re a new resident in the village?” he asked meekly. Aisha gave him a second glance; he was young—probably in his late twenties, with brown hair and a face that while pleasant, was easily forgettable for its unobtrusive nature. There was a hint of _something_ —almost like cunning in his eye, however, that wasn’t quite as run-of-the-mill.

“My guardian has the new farm, if that’s what you mean,” she said mildly. “I’m just visiting.”  
  
“Ah, that’s a shame,” he nodded. “When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow,” she glanced out the window. Levi was inspecting the assortment of brooms in the shop across the street. She smiled despite herself.

“If I haven’t completely put my foot in my mouth, was wondering if I’d see you again,” the man eclipsed her view. “At the crop festival tonight? It’s nothing fancy but…”

Her full attention snapped right back into the room. She took a nondescript step away from him to give herself some space. “That’s a kind offer, but—I wanted to spend as much time with my family as I can.”

He wilted. “Oh, that’s fine, I mean—I understand.”

 “I’m sorry.” She noticed that Levi was looking back at them now. The man politely rested a hand on her arm, and she looked him full in the face. She fought the urge to smack his hand away.

“Maybe next time, then?”

“Maybe,” Aisha tried to remain polite. Could you even say _no_ repeatedly in a polite way? “Now I have to go meet the gentleman that was in here, before he gets too antsy.”

“Oh, is he a friend of your guardian’s?” Lars looked out at Levi. “The people seem to be a little afraid of him.”

“That’s my superior, Captain Levi,” the little hint of pride in her voice was reflected in the involuntary smile on her lips.

He did a double take. “He’s— _that’s_ Captain Levi? I could have sworn he’d be taller.”

Aisha snorted. “I feel like he gets that a lot. He’s every bit as amazing as his reputation, however.”

“But wait—that means you’re in the _Scout Regiment_?”

She gave a dainty salute. “Lance Corporal Aisha Kaur, Survey Corps. At your service.”

“I wasn’t expecting that,” he rubbed at the back of his head, looking slightly embarrassed. “I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. It is nice meeting you, Miss Kaur—I was honestly expecting you to be a farm girl or something.”

 _Farm girl?_   She shuddered.

“I wouldn’t do well on a farm, I think.”

“Aw, really? Not even if some nice guy came and gave you a reason to hang up your gear?” he smiled. “We’ll see about that. I hope we can talk more next time you’re around.”

She reluctantly shook his hand; her mind was already outside with the short, irritable man who was busily scaring the natives with the sour look on his face.

\----

She walked across the street, feeling a little disconcerted. It ached at her that for a moment, she’d wondered about Lars assuming that she and Levi could possibly be—

Had they looked like that? Why did it seem to bother _him_ that much?

“I see the locals are friendly,” Levi sounded just a tad more scathing than usual. “I hope you realise that you can’t just discharge yourself if you want to trade your 3DMG for a husband.”

Well, _that_ was quite the low blow. She thought about snapping at him, but the words instead came out clipped—hurt. “Thank you for the advice, but I never intend to.”

He watched her walk off; his head was going in so many places, none of which he particularly cared to visit. He cursed and followed her, regretting every godforsaken moment he’d been there, along with every time she insisted on confusing everything.

Ambros had decided to stay for the last crop festival—to be sociable, he said. The two soldiers grumpily and reluctantly went along. The evening approached quickly, bringing the fall chill in with full strength. Aisha found herself a mug of warmed, spiced ale and placed herself near one of the bonfires. It looked a bit too similar to the ones they’d use to burn the bodies last year. She took a deep swig from the mug, relishing the distracting burn as the spices and alcohol did their work.

“Oh—you decided to stay,”

She turned to see Lars, holding his own mug of ale—he reeked of alcohol. _Oh, no, not now._

“My guardian wanted to socialise,” she murmured.

“Makes it seem like you didn’t,” Lars smiled. “Here I thought I might’ve had something to do with it.”  
Aisha felt vaguely uncomfortable; she let out a dry, unconvincing laugh.

“So,” he climbed onto the bench next to her. “What’s it like in the military?”

Aisha stared into the mug. “It gives me purpose I guess. It’s my home.”

“Whoa,” he looked at her in surprise. “Home? You don’t want to have anything beyond that?”

Her mind wandered towards the Captain and she sighed. “I wanted to help humanity, and I’m with people who do. That’s really all I want. To protect my adoptive father and the people who can’t protect themselves.”

When she glanced up, a strange crease had appeared between his brows. “Really? You think the Scout Regiment does that?”

“You think we go out there and fight Titans for fun?” Aisha took another draught of ale.

“You’ve been out there then?” his eyes widened.

“Yes,” she said tiredly. “I came back from my first expedition a few days ago. We’d been gone for about three weeks.”

“And you still think the Scouts are all for freedom?” he asked incredulously. “How many people did you lose out there?”

“I’d estimate about thirty,” Aisha continued. “We did however, create two valuable bases out there in Titan country.”

“What good does that do though?” Lars’ voice was taking on that irritating tone of mocking that plagued Ambros as a veteran. “I mean, you go out there, you die...and what, leave supplies?”

She looked at him evenly. “We learn about them, and we re-claim land for mankind. We take the fight to the enemy instead of staying inside like caged meat.”

He laughed. “I guess, if that’s what you think. But technically you’re just taking them their meals. I mean why not just stay with the Garrison if you can’t get into the MPs?”

“And wait for the Colossal Titan and the Armoured Titan to kill us all?” she was beginning to get deeply annoyed. “Fantastic plan. We’re the best soldiers that mankind has _because_ we face them.”

“Best? Most of you die off,” he seemed genuinely confused. “That doesn’t seem like skill really. Just seems suicidal.”

She could still see the glistening blood and viscera on the rooftop where her friends had died. Still smell the death where so many soldiers had given their lives so that civilians could evacuate. She remembered the sound of Kate crying when her leader was killed.

He moved to pull at her wrist when she stood up to leave. “I’m sorry if I offended you…I mean that’s just what I think, is all. It’s what a lot of us think, actually.”

“We may be suicidal on some level,” she said quietly, “but none of us want to die. We know we’re probably going to, and we have made peace with the fact that we do a job that no one else wants to do. I have lost people who have ten times the bravery that any of you out here. We do it so that you don’t have to.”

“If you don’t want to die, why do you stay?” he was pulling on her hand now. She dug her heels in and with surprising strength, ripped her arm from his grasp. “It’s a job no one asked you to do! I’m sorry, but you’re all dying for a lie.”

He was too drunk to see the fist coming—she didn’t intend to hit him hard, but the impact knocked him squarely backwards and off the bench. He landed on his back in the grass, blearily watching as she stiffly walked away.

When he finally righted himself, cursing all the while, he noticed that the man from before was standing nearby. _Captain Levi?_

“What, are you here to hit me too?”

His voice was rather sardonic. “And why would I hit you?”

Lars threw his hands up. “Apparently, I can’t have an opinion. Military women aren’t worth it—honestly. She’s gorgeous but that attitude is fucking ruined.”

“Or, maybe you were drunk and you annoyed her.”

“Not my fault she couldn’t make it to the MPs,” he shrugged. “Whatever you all tell those kids to make them feel important—that doesn’t make it true.”

“Maybe,” he considered. He watched the bruise blooming on the man’s jaw with some amusement. “But that girl was the top of her division. She chose the corps.”

Lars spat a little blood on the grass bitterly. “Then she’s even worse off. I’ve never met such a bull-headed, unfeminine girl.”

As he watched the man wander back to the thick of the celebrations, he had to admit that he took some _pride_ in that.

\----

  
“I see you fought with your new friend,” Levi said mildly. He’d found her sitting under a tree with full bottle of ale.

“Friend?” she laughed. “He flat out told me that he hated everything I stand for.”

“Couples have their spats,” he needled. It may have been a bit mean, but it was amusing to watch her so wound up.

She glared at him. “Oh fuck off.”

“That was a decent punch, however,” he continued. “That won’t be the last dipshit you meet though. And you can’t keep beating them up.”

She took a swig of ale. “He was sort of asking for it.”

“A lot of them do,”

“He was saying that we die for a lie,” she explained.

“I’m sure when he sits on his ass all day, it looks like that,”

“I can’t stand cowards,” she went on. “Especially self-righteous cowards.”

“The place is full of them, kid. You can’t be surprised that people are fucking stupid?”

“I’m not,” she sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.”

“That chest the old man gave you has been bothering you all day,” he said flatly.

She smiled, apparently unsurprised. “You know, I thought I was hiding it. It feels so strange to have those things. First it’s Lotte, and then my mother…I mean, I read another one of my mother’s journals while we were on the expedition.” She stopped for a second, as though trying to find the words. “I think she may have killed herself.”

He paused.

“She was talking about it. I don’t know if she might’ve left something in the last one. I was going to bring it out here with me to read it but—I don’t really want to know.”

“Whatever she did had nothing to do with you, you know,” he said.

“Maybe having me was the last straw.”

“Maybe she wished she didn’t, but how is that your problem?” Levi looked down at her. She was clutching the bottle to her chest, staring down at her lap as though she couldn’t bear to raise her head.

“I guess,” she said finally. “But that doesn’t make it feel any better.”

“It probably won’t feel any less shitty for a while,” he said honestly. “But your father is the one responsible.”

“But he’ll never _be_ responsible.”

He remembered how easily that fat noble had ripped he, Isabel and Farlan away from the Underground. How he could have easily erased their futures.

“The world is fucked up.” It was all he could really manage. How else could he console her? Tell her that justice would be served?

_Since when did that ever fucking happen?_

She was obviously tipsy—he wasn’t sure how much that fool in town, or the contents of the chest, for that matter—had affected her until now. He plucked the bottle out of her arms and she glared him reproachfully.

“You know, you never did tell me about why you talk in your sleep,” she said accusatorily. “You know so much about me and I don’t know shit about you.”

He scoffed, feeling a painful humour settling in. She actually did have a point. “I was thinking about Kenny. The man that the old soldier heard about, who took me away after my mother died.”

“Who was he?” she was squinting at him.

“Who knows. Some part of me thinks he could have been my father,” he sipped the ale and looked at the twinkling stars. “He was a fucking piece of work though, whoever he was to me. But he took me in.”

Aisha’s hands were kneading her skirt a little nervously. It seemed as though he was a little more affected than he’d have liked to let on. “What happened?”

“He left me. I don’t know what I did—or why. He just walked away and he never came back.”

There was silence for a moment. He looked down at her and found her staring right back, her eyes still bleary, but with a strange look about them.

“Who would ever leave _you_?” she murmured. It was almost too quiet for him to hear.

That _feeling_ in his stomach was back. He rose from the grass and took her arm. “Come on, kid. You’ve got to sleep it off before you’re a fucking mess on the road tomorrow.”

She didn’t complain as he strung her along; he dumped her unceremoniously into the loft where she seemed to fall asleep right away. He returned to the hearth with a prickling, stress-induced headache building between his temples.

“She’s a handful, isn’t she?” Ambros asked wryly. He was reading his book by the fire quite unaffectedly.

“She is, and I don’t usually make a business of taking shit from my subordinates,” he said with a sigh.

“Have you ever seen a fox up close?”

Levi stared at him. “Of course I fucking haven’t, I spent most of my life in the fucking sewer.”

A little crease of exasperation appeared between the older man’s eyebrows. “Well, let me clue you in. Some species of fox are noisy little shits. Those are the tiny ones, the Fennecs; they’re usually the most hyperactive and they’re likely to have a lot of fun running circles around you.”

Levi glanced towards the fire, and with a bizarre amusement, he thought of Isabel as she pestered him.

“Some of them though, are a little less energetic. They like attention, and they’ll harass you if they want it, but they’ll probably take a finger off if you try it on your own terms. They’re not the most socially graceful creatures. They scream like little banshees when they want you to do something and they’ll stick to you for life.”

“And your point is?”

“You, my dear boy,” he gestured to the loft. “Have found yourself a nice little red fox. She just spent half this trip chirping at you for attention.”

“You’ve spent way too much fucking time out here,” Levi said drily.

“It’s fine if you don’t admit it to me, but I know she’s not just another soldier to you.”

The directness caught Levi slightly off-guard. He remained silent.

“Aisha’s a kind girl. She guards her heart very closely, so if I were you, I’d feel lucky.”

The discomfort was building. He decided to take the easiest way out. “Tch. You realise she’s a kid and I’m almost a good fifteen years older, right? Did you get kicked in the head by one of the fucking goats?”

Ambros laughed, unfazed by the abrasiveness. “I wouldn’t be highlighting those facts to _me_ , if I were you. I’m not the one who came all the way out here for her. Besides, if she really was some uncomplicated farm girl, she could very well have been strung to some old bastard long ago.”

“I came because your crippled ass can’t handle the work,” he said stubbornly.

“I’m sure you’re a mighty philanthropist on your own time,” Ambros nodded sagely. “All I’m saying to you is that you should recognise how important you are to her.”

That feeling— _guilt_ was pooling in his veins again. Perhaps the old man was right—perhaps the brat did feel something for him. Was that right? Was that something he should ignore? If what he said was true, she was _wasting_ her youth, her innocence on him.

He remembered the soft brush of her cheek on his arm—the smallness of her waist beneath his hands when they trained. The discomfort was reaching its peak.

No. He could not allow any of this.

When he fell asleep later in the night, his dreams were a tangled mess of regret, loss and yearning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, it took him long enough to realise he was feeling something. How long do you guys think it'll take before he figures out what it means or does anything about it? xD
> 
> Thanks again for all the support you guys send my way by giving kudos, bookmarks and comments <3


	16. Show yourself: A Brief Respite, Part 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am legit the worst author :| I'm so sorry this took forever!
> 
> I'm *finally* done with my taught courses for my graduate degree, so I managed to finish off the chapter. I've basically been adding to it every so often (as well as future chapters, why am I like this?). Basically this thing turned out to be a beastly-sized entry. 
> 
> So, enjoy the angst, Levi realising he has feels and the development of our sweet baby canon characters! Song by Mastodon!

_Stars align, stars align._  
_Stars can fall and get you into trouble,_  
_Be afraid—don’t be afraid.  
_ _Speak the ancient wisdom of the desert._

_You're not as safe as far as I can tell,_  
_And I can tell._  
_Only you can save yourself._  
_Soon this will all be a distant memory,_  
_Or could this dream,  
_ _Be real at all?_

 _Show yourself, show yourself_  
_I want to see everything you're made of_  
_Reveal yourself, reveal yourself_  
_The truth will send a ripple through your body_  
_See your fate—you’ll see your fate_  
_Death will come and steal you from the living_  
_Dead and gone, dead and gone  
_ _I'll see you on the other side of fire_

 

[Year 846]

Almost two months had gone by since the corps was back; as Levi had predicted, the second brigade of the Survey Corps was given leave to have an expedition, while the first was relegated to training. The news trickling through the ranks hinted that Erwin was having more trouble than he’d anticipated getting sponsors to buy more supplies.

“You’d think they would be eager to send as much people out as possible,” one of the new recruits, Gunther, complained bitterly as he mended his gear.

Aisha smiled slightly, “That tune may change in a couple of weeks if we do get out. Where’s Petra, by the way?”

“Major Hange had her running documents to the commander,” he said. “I know it seems impertinent, Lance Corporal Kaur but… I get it’s bad out there—the thing is rookies like us, we don’t _know_ it for real yet. That’s why we aren’t officially scouts yet. I want to earn my wings.”

She sighed, still a bit unused to the new title and its uneasy respect. “Just focus on training up. We sat on our laurels for much longer than this, and we were still shaken up pretty badly by what happens out there. Don’t rush through this preparation.”

“What was it like?”

“It was…” Aisha looked up at the dying sun as it illuminated the sky in burnt orange. “Honestly it’s like nothing else. You’re on constant guard for every moment. Your mind is never allowed to rest, every sense you have that’s trying to preserve you works in overdrive. That’s why we looked so burnt out when we came back.”

Gunther seemed a bit hesitant. “But what about… _them_?”

In a flash, she saw the scene of her first Titan encounter out there. The forlorn torso of one of her comrades lying there, surrounded by the remains of her team. Then later, the dry husks of those who fell during the conscription. She could still feel the impact of all of the little chunks of building on her body when the Female Titan made her elaborate escape.

There was a strange ringing in her ears now; she felt as though she could faintly smell blood on the air again.

“Lance Corporal?” Petra had joined them by now, her hands enclosing a small vellum note. She seemed even more tentative than usual.

Aisha shook her head. “I can’t describe it in any way you’d understand, really. They’re every bit as horrifying as you’d think and more.”

“What, the Titans?” Petra looked at her fellow recruit, who nodded in assent. She swallowed audibly. “I feel like that’s even worse coming from you, ma’am.”

That broke Aisha out of her reverie. “What? Why?”

She held up the vellum note. “Major Hange has been aggregating the data from the expedition for a final report to the commander. Here’s yours,” she handed it over, and smiled slightly. “Your current kill count is at nineteen individual kills and four assists.”

Aisha opened the note and scanned it—the number seemed surreal, she hadn’t really paid attention to keeping track until now. Everything from her current height, weight and her superiors’ remarks was laid out neatly in jet black ink. She flushed a little as she saw the little four out of five mark by Levi’s name. He’d taken one off for recklessness, apparently, but even then—he admitted that her skill was worth rewarding.

_Come on Aisha, you’re better than that._

“Captain Levi’s count this time puts him way out of reach for anyone,” Petra continued wistfully. “He’s got well over a hundred individual kills at this point. Major Hange says we might as well stop counting them.”

The strange feeling in her chest got a bit harder to ignore.  
  
_Apparently, I’m not better than this at all_.

“I wonder how long it’ll take us to get to twenty-three kills,” Gunther nudged Petra lightly with his elbow.

“I know it seems like such a feat, but I really don’t remember them much. I know I can kill them, but…” her voice carried the exhaustion of the day, spent teaching the recruits the 3DMG techniques they’d need outside the walls. “They never stop being these huge, scary things that could kill you and all of your friends in the blink of an eye. But what does change is _you_. Sometimes you’re just…numb, I guess. I don’t feel triumph or whatever, I don’t feel like I’m a Titan-killing machine, I don’t feel _anything_. I just do my job.”

“That doesn’t sound great for you,” Gunther added.

“It probably isn’t,” she shrugged. “But like I said, trust your skills and throw yourself into the preparation. You’re both top recruits, so you’ve already got a fair amount of talent on your side. All that’s left is experience.”

It felt so _odd_ talking to them like this. As though she was so much older, so much more of a soldier. While it was true that she’d fought Titans during the fall of Maria and the expedition, these two were both late recruits—they were at least a year or two older than she was.

She smiled bitterly. Her seventeenth birthday had passed today and it was her first since Lotte was gone. There was a sad little note from Ambros, but her cultivated prose was missing.

“It’s almost time for dinner,” she said. The sudden urge to be alone gripped her like a vice. “You should both head in now.”

“Ma’am!” both soldiers gratefully saluted her and sauntered off to their barracks.

Aisha took a little bundle of notes out of her breast pocket. She’d been carrying them around all day, without the strength to read them. They’d been all of the correspondence that Lotte sent during her trainee years, and during her few months as a scout before the conscription.

She wandered the grounds until she came to a little clearing near the training woods. The air was heavy and chilled—winter was barreling in without so much as a taste of a substantive autumn.  Her thick, cream flannel shirt only kept out so much of the chill. It would soon be time to bring out their long coats.

She lay down on the grass, and stared up at the darkening sky for a short while, feeling strangely numb. At last, she opened the most recent letter and traced the looping curves of script.

\----

“Aisha’s not here,” Nanaba looked across the throngs of soldiers as they mulled about in the dining hall. The veterans were all being given a rather wide berth at the front—many of the recruits were still rather wary of their more experienced peers.

Hange looked across at Moblit, who shrugged.

“I haven’t seen her all day, Major. Gunther and Petra were assigned to her today.”

“The redhead, right?” Hange jerked her head to the rookies. “She’s over there, so their training must be done. I’m sure she’ll turn up.”

“It’s her birthday today,” she sighed. “We wanted to spend some time with her as a team, I guess,” the older woman’s expression fell slightly. “Mike knew it was her first birthday after…the conscription.”

“Oh, I forgot about that,” Hange looked somewhat sheepish. “I haven’t had the time to help her search for information on her family or her clan yet. Now I feel extra terrible.”

“She won’t get in trouble, will she?” Moblit asked. “If she doesn’t show up.”

“Mike wouldn’t do it,” Nanaba said. “I doubt Erwin would either. Your class of trainees is a special territory, so to speak.”

“Because of the fall of Wall Maria?”  
  
“That, and the fact that most of you lost family members either that day or directly after,” Nanaba explained. “Erwin isn’t as cold-hearted as a lot of people think. We don’t _need_ to push you all further, so what’s the use? We’re not in the habit of being unnecessarily cruel.  We need you put-together and functional.”

He smiled wryly. “Seems like the very opposite of the Training Corps, then.”

“The Training Corps is supposed to break you,” Hange explained mildly. “They strip you down to the basics of what humans can be, and then add on what you need to become a soldier. Traditionally your first expedition and year in the Survey Corps continues that, but you lot had it done to you already.”

Her protégée’s brow creased with the weight of those still-vivid memories. “We’re pre-broken horses, then.”

She laughed bitterly. “Yeah. Just look at Nifa and Keiji; they’re green as can be, and don’t you think they’re a lot less jaded than you were?”

He considered his new teammates for a second, washing down a mouthful of potatoes with his drink. It was true. They were laughing, chatting eagerly to their cohorts in such a carefree manner. It almost made it envious—but at the same time, it tore at him. A small pit of sadness worked its way into his chest. They wouldn’t stay this buoyant—this innocent—for long.

Henning stood up from his seat, “D’you think I should go look for Aisha?”

Nanaba shook her head. “Leave her for now. I’ll fill in Mike when he gets here; I think he, Erwin and Levi are planning their next search for funds. I figure she just needs to be alone.”

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Moblit looked at the soldiers around him. Hange was rifling through her worn notebook, lost to her thoughts, so he was just conversing with Nanaba now.

“A year ago there were so many other people here. Groups like us sitting here—I mean, there were people in your squads before us,” he said. “And look at us now.”

“That’s life in the corps,” Nanaba finished her drink. “You lose people all the time, but,” she looked wistfully at her two younger cohorts, who were busy arguing about something. “We’re family—even when we’re no longer here. Our bodies may be transient and fragile, but we’re always going to be family.”

Moblit opened his mouth as if to say something, but his reply was lost. He glanced at his squad leader, nose-deep in the dog-eared, stained book. Her half-finished meal was busy congealing on the plate before her—it was probably the only thing she’d eaten for the day as she’d been up doing reports since dawn.

 _Family_.

* * *

 

Levi shut the large doors of the main building, feeling the cold slivers of wind working their way through his hair. There was an imminent sense of rain in the air—a sudden dampness on the breeze as the clouds flitted by. He walked down the path towards the dining hall, his way illuminated by the silvery light of the moon and the flickering, dancing lanterns that creaked in the wind. A small figure caught his eye, nestled against one of the trees. He could not make out who it was, but he had a fair guess. With some annoyance—and more than a little resignation, he made his way over.

“Are you trying to freeze to death, or get in trouble for missing dinner?”

She sat up slightly; one of the vellum notes in her hand slipped away with the breeze and he caught it. A small glance was all it took for the pieces to fall into place. Mike was still with Erwin, but the usually quiet and composed soldier was a more than concerned today. Given how badly off the girl was just a year ago, it was understandable.

“I wanted some time to wallow, I guess.”

He sighed and sat down next to her, handing her the letter again. She carefully folded it, and placed the entire bundle back into her pocket.

“How’s that coming along?”

“It was probably a bad idea,”

“No shit,” he replied flatly. She must have been freezing, but she wasn’t shivering. Everything about her just seemed muted—numb, almost. He remembered the gut-twisting, harrowing realization that had hit him when a year passed after Isabel and Farlan died. It was a mixture of sorrow at the reminder of their loss…and _guilt_ for having gone a year without them. Humans were truly infuriating creatures.

“What would she have said if she saw you here, on your birthday, feeling sorry for yourself?” he asked. She smiled, a hint of surprise on her face. It was surprisingly eloquent, even for him.

“I’d get an earful and she’d pull me into the dining hall by my ear.”

“Then why the fuck are you still sitting here?”

“Because I suppose I just wanted her to be here to do that,” her voice had that tiny lilt to it that signaled that tears weren’t far off. His thoughts flew into a series of absurd ways to deal with this, so he kept his mouth firmly shut. Without a word, he got up off the grass, and pulled her up by her shirt collar. There was a tiny squeak, but she didn’t resist. His grip shifted to her small, ice-cold wrist and he proceeded to drag her all the way to the dining hall.

Most of the soldiers had already retired for the evening, seeking to spend their free time in their barracks. The few that mulled about noted with some surprise the figure of their Captain stringing along the Lance Corporal, firmly planting her into a seat near the fire. They caught sight of his irate expression and averted their eyes, trying to avoid shifting his attention onto any of them.

Levi emerged from the kitchens with two mugs of tea, placing one firmly in front of the girl.

“Thanks.”

“I should be kicking your ass,” he said blandly. “You’re allowed to be upset, but you’re a leader now.”

She winced slightly. “Sorry.”

For a fleeting moment, he wondered if he was being a little too harsh on her. She was just a seventeen-year-old, after all, and by all measures this would be expected. The standards of most communities would have held her as a young adult, barely ready to debut into her own life—requiring some understanding and softness. He wasn’t a soft man, however and unfortunately, she was a seventeen-year-old soldier. He could try to provide the understanding.

“Your new brats look up to you,” he said. “Try not to let them down. Save this for your own time.”

She rubbed her eyes tiredly. “Does that even exist?”

“Not often,” he admitted blandly.

“That doesn’t sound healthy,” she laughed a little. “I suppose this explains a lot.”

He quirked an eyebrow and she gave him a tiny, angelic smile. Even when she was suffering like this, _she was such a little shit._

She sipped her tea, her face beginning to look uncertain. “How do you do it?”

He shrugged. “It’s different for me.”

“What do you mean?”

There weren’t many times that caused Levi to curse his ineloquence, but this was one of them. “After Farlan and Isabel died, I only ever felt survivor’s guilt once. It wasn’t this shitty, crippling feeling that other people seem to have. The thoughts are there, but they don’t change anything. It doesn’t affect me like that.”

“You didn’t shut down like I did.”

He thought back to her semi-comatose state. “No, but I know how you felt.”

“Am I just weak then?”  
  
_Weak?_

No, she wasn’t. She was definitely one of the strongest soldiers the corps had in their bedraggled ranks. She’d already survived more than most of them could have. However here was this innate sense in him that had always knew that other people weren’t like him. People like Mike, Erwin—maybe Aisha, one day, could be close. But if he was being honest, there was always this _weakness_ , yes, that separated them. Whether it was a lack of control over themselves, or a lack of complete surety, he did not know. Perhaps if he had this girl’s sickening ability to translate his unruly thoughts, he’d tell him.

Maybe at some point he would tell her all this, and then ask her what it all meant, if he could find the words. Meanwhile, she was staring into the cup before her with a crease between her brows.

“You’re still alive and a lot of the people who came before you aren’t,” he said finally. “A lot of them had shitty luck, but more of them couldn’t handle what we do. Most people aren’t supposed to do what we do.”

She smiled sadly. “Why are you so good at it?”

“There isn’t a secret. When I was growing up it just happened—I’ve always been able to do what had to be done. I’ve been this way for almost as long as I can remember.”

“So you’re just _that_ good.” That tiny thread of mischief was hidden poorly under the disappointment.

He gave her a half-hearted glare. “You might be a combat prodigy, but you’re a fan of pushing buttons. Maybe your survival _within_ the walls might be the problem.”

“It’s a coping mechanism,” she said innocently.

“A better one would be to take care of yourself,” he said frankly. “Now go get whatever’s left of the food and eat it.”

He took the time that she was gone to internally yell at himself. What was he doing?

After their excursion to see the old soldier, he couldn’t close his eyes without hearing the bastard’s voice, the knowing accusation infuriatingly replicated almost exactly. Ever the pragmatist, Levi sighed, relenting. Fine. He  _did_ feel something for this brat. She was not just another soldier to him. Every time he saw her, he felt that knot of incorrigible yearning in his chest that made him want to eviscerate himself. She wasn’t helping matters—the girl looked at him with wide, trusting eyes, unlike the others. Where theirs were filled with respect and deference, hers had a strange quality to them that made him deeply uncomfortable.

He didn’t think himself capable of being this way—though Isabel had frequently teased him otherwise. But this was wrong, and he knew it. She was too young, and him? He was a monster. A tainted, harsh creature that had death following him in close pursuit, taking those around him in his stead. He had almost always been this way. Aisha was a soldier, but she could have chosen otherwise. Perhaps he wanted that—to have never met her, as she led an uncomplicated, peaceful life. The problem arose that was not an uncomplicated girl; her life before the military had made certain of that. The corps had simply taken that damage and increased it tenfold. Levi drained his teacup with a scowl; he hated this. His body was under his complete control, but his mind? The fucker seemed to love torturing him.

\----

Aisha set her plate aside and studied the man in front of her. The heaviness that pervaded the day was strangely lessened. He hadn’t said much, but somehow, it helped. He caught her gaze and cocked an eyebrow, his mug held in his trademark manner.

A bizarre thought caught her. “Do you…want to keep my mother’s last journal?”

He’d been lost in his thoughts, but at her words, he sat up a bit straighter, seemingly surprised. “What?”

“I’ve decided that I don’t want to read it,” she told him. “But I can’t just get rid of it.”

A crease appeared in his brow. “Then why not just leave it where it is?”

“Because I’ll probably read it anyway,” she said somewhat pathetically. “I can’t do it right now. One day, maybe.”

It was an odd request, but he seemed to consider it. There was strange, sad look on his face; she wondered if she’d done something wrong, before chiding herself. How the hell would she have had any sort of effect on _him_? This was Levi.

“You can read it, if you want to,” she said, fishing the bundle of letters out of her pocket; right behind them was a small, expensive book, much like the others he’d seen her with. She placed it on the table.

After a small pause, Levi reached across and slid the tome towards him. His face was still rather pensive. Without a word, he pocketed the book and rose from his chair.

Maybe she’d brought up unwelcome memories. A stab of guilt hit her, and she suddenly felt very selfish. “Thank you.”

“Just get to bed, kid,” for some reason, he suddenly sounded exhausted. “Erwin is probably going to talk to you tomorrow.”

She gave an inquisitive tilt of her head. “About what, skipping dinner?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” he said flatly. “It’s about our funding.”

“What do I have to do with that?”

“Sometimes he drags us to places to talk to the rich bastards who have enough money to throw around. He’s planning on adding you to the list.”

She stared. “Me? Why?”

“I don’t know, maybe some of them like mouthy brats with a decent kill streak,” he shrugged. “I don’t understand rich people, so you’ll just have to fucking ask them.”

“You could have just stopped there and said my performance was good, you know. You’re really mean sometimes, Captain,” she was pouting slightly but her voice was playful, even if she had a morose look in her eyes.

He made his way back to his quarters, the miniscule weight of that book in his pocket shifting with every step.

 _Sometimes._ Maybe she didn’t realise that she was lucky in that regard.

~~~

Levi blinked, drawing a hand across his tired face. Where was he?

He looked across the room and saw unfamiliar furnishings—not quite lavish, but still rather homey. By a soldier’s standards, it was luxury. He got off the bed, looking down at the strangely crisp sheets; the spot next to him was mussed, as though someone else had been there. Something was quite wrong here.

He opened the door with a pause—why was he being so reckless all of a sudden?

The hallway was empty, its window open and the gauzy curtain was billowing lightly in the spring breeze.

_No, that wasn’t right. This weather wasn’t right. It was almost winter._

He moved down the hall, almost on autopilot; the room he came into had its door open, and there was a scent of pine needles everywhere. A nagging, insistent knot worked its way into his stomach at that. The room was some sort of kitchen, and he could feel the warmth of the heavy cast-iron oven. There was a little laugh, and he turned around. _She_ was there. What she was saying to him, he couldn’t quite make out. He could hear her voice, but not what she said, almost as though she was just an echo.

She was in her plainclothes, and seemed oddly comfortable—lighter, even. The stress of war and loss were gone from her face. There was a very coy look in her eye, and he felt his stomach drop almost childishly.

“What’s wrong? You missed me, didn’t you,” she asked. Though he could properly hear her for the first time, he could not answer. She didn’t seem to notice, bustling past him and divesting the oven of its contents.

“You should write to Erwin. The Scouts are heading out soon, apparently,” she told him.

“What?” his voice felt hoarse, detached.

“Oh, and Ambros wants us to visit later in the week,” she ignored his question, pouring tea instead. There were three cups.

“I think a visit would be nice. You should go, Levi,” the voice behind him made his blood run cold. He hadn’t heard it for decades.

He turned around to look at his mother, her face unchanged and beautifully relaxed. Her grey eyes twinkled with the same happiness she’d shown every time she looked at him as a child. She smiled. “He’s probably lonely out there all on his own.”

He continued to stare at her, his heart racing. The women continued to converse, oblivious to his frantic thoughts.

“I don’t know about lonely,” Aisha laughed. “He’s probably more nosy than anything.”

“Very possible—but he’s suddenly found himself a son, so I’d imagine he’s so eager to spend time bonding,” Kuchel looked at him pointedly.

Levi was frozen in place. He didn’t often feel helpless, but this confusion, this feeling—

Aisha had somehow made her way over to him, smiling. Her hand was on the side of his face, and his thoughts evaporated. He wasn’t much taller than she was, so he was looking her right in the eyes. She was so close, so warm. Her eyes held that familiar look—not that of his mother’s but one he’d seen before, but couldn’t place.

“I’m not sharing you,” she said.

His resolve was snapping—he wanted her so badly. He reached out.

~~~

Levi woke to find that he’d almost fallen out of his chair. It wasn’t anything new for him to sleep at his desk, but the dream was certainly untrodden territory. He combed a hand through his hair and cursed under his breath. He could almost feel the ghost of her touch, and the feel of her under his fingers.

He got up to light another lamp. He didn’t trust himself to go back to sleep just yet; with a bitter sigh, he knelt and began polishing the already pristine floor. All the while, he willed his chaotic mind to quell itself, but to no avail.

* * *

The next morning, Aisha supervised the trainees while they improved their 3DMG skills. Although she was still a relatively low-ranked officer, it seemed to be understood that she was extremely adept at using their gear. This was a test of her skills, of sorts—Mike and Levi would evaluate the trainees, and thus her own chops as a teacher.

“Nifa, don’t drop your hips like that,” she rappelled down to meet her. “Unless you’re trying to flip, you’ll end up tangling yourself in the line.”

She brushed the reddish brown hair out of her face. “Geez, why is this so hard all of a sudden?”

Aisha pointed towards the other trees in the forest. “This part of the training area has trees that are further apart than you’re used to. The others will probably be headed towards the clearing further ahead.”

“I’ll catch up then. Thank you Lance Corporal.” 

With a nod, she took off from her perch, making sure to keep herself perfectly in form as she moved. Aisha smiled slightly and clicked the trigger on her own gear. This was one of the best parts of supervising trainees, really—she got to zoom through the trees, relishing the feeling of the wind through her hair and the adrenaline that came from unbridled speed. When she got to the final portion, the clearing, it was unsurprising to see that two trainees had already beaten their competition there and were decimating the Titan analogues in tandem. Petra Ral and Gunther Schulz were both in the top ten of their division; it boded well that instead of fleeing towards the interior, they came to the scouts instead. Their skills were nothing to be sneered at, even as unseasoned trainees—they were both quite fast and impressively precise. Unlike her own team, they worked better together rather than as individual units. The only thing that could serve to be improved before they went out into the expedition was their co-ordination, but that would have to wait until they were assigned to teams.

“Good job,” she smiled approvingly as the pair descended from the last Titan. Their cohorts had finally caught up, adding cuts to the intact-pieces of the training dummies. They would lose points for not making the first cut, but it was better than not managing to touch the thing at all.

“I feel like I’m made of jelly,” Gunther rotated his shoulders slightly, trying to shake the sensation out of his limbs.

“That’ll be the strain of the gear on your body,” Aisha said. “You weren’t used to the extra pressure because of how far apart the trees were.”

A figure appeared from the flank and Petra gave a little squeak of surprise. Aisha turned to see Levi, his immaculate cravat and blasé expression intact.

“I’ll take over the brats now,” he said simply. “Mike wanted to see you.”

“We’re getting tested already?” Gunther looked at Aisha with some desperation.

“If you have a problem with that, you could just ship off to the interior like the shitty MPs,” Levi’s voice carried the same blend of harshness and boredom as it always did.

“N-no sir!”

She looked over at the lot of soldiers, who were all looking rather sheepish. “Good luck guys, you’ll be fine.”

They saluted her; it still felt strange to have such respect and deference. She smiled at them, and turned to Levi with her own salute, which was met with a curt nod. She could hear the worried murmurings of the trainees melting away as she took to the air again. She wasn’t worried. If they could survive Levi, then perhaps they would be able to survive the outside world, too.

Mike was looking uncharacteristically talkative when she arrived. Gelgar and Henning both gave her a look that shared their confusion, while Nanaba seemed completely unaffected.

“How were the rookies?” he greeted her with the slightest of smiles.

“Decent, there are a couple standouts. I can’t wait to see if they survive Captain Levi,”

Gelgar snickered. “Poor kids.”

“So, Mike, why are we here?” Henning asked with interest. Team Zacharias had long since shed their trappings of formality with each other. Around their peers, of course, they would stick to the soldierly means of address, but as they grew closer, the titles became unnecessary. It was odd—Aisha thought of poor Eld and Levi. Although he’d been at the Captain’s side for years, if Eld slipped up, Levi would probably skin him alive. They had their own dynamic, but it was so very different.

“You’re all going to go get changed.”

The three younger soldiers stared.

Nanaba grinned. “We’ve got leave to go out.”

Gelgar slapped an arm around both Aisha and Henning, earning himself strangled protests from his teammates. “Holy shit, really?”

She chuckled, exchanging an amused look with Mike. “Yes, really. We’re good for the evening, now get a move on.”

Her teammate grinned and proceeded to pull the other two along in his haste to get back to the barracks.

After the trio departed, she turned to her squad leader. “How did you manage this, anyway?”

“I never ask Erwin for anything, so when the need arises…” Mike sniffed in amusement. “He’s planning on giving Hange and her team some time off before we set out too.”

“He’s really trying to do what Shadis couldn’t and keep this brigade together. I almost think he can do it,” Nanaba said wistfully. “We just never know what he’s thinking. Or do you?” She eyed him with a somewhat cheeky smile.

There was a hint of awkwardness in the large man as he answered. “No, even I don’t know what the hell he’s up to half the time.”

Nanaba’s smile widened; she seemed years younger—far more carefree than normal. “Well, I suppose all that’s left for us is to enjoy the evening. It should be good for the kids, especially Aisha.”

Mike was thumbing the belt of his harness in one of his little uncomfortable gestures. His voice however, was more assured. “It’s okay to feel like you deserve a break too, you know.”

Her brows lifted in surprise, and their eyes met for a second. She felt that rush of gratitude and relief that came with the security of the military—specifically with the warm, though understated regard of her squad leader. She was sure that she owed him more than she could ever repay.

“Alright, I’ll relax. But only if you do, too.”

\----

Aisha passed Gelgar a flagon of water with a wary, yet amused look.

“We didn’t think you’d get this drunk,” Nanaba said mildly. “You’d better shape up by the time we get back.”

“S’okay,” he answered with a lazy wave of his hand. “Just haven’t…had anything in a while….” Henning gave him a suspicious look at edged away slightly. “I’ll be fine.”

“If you throw up on me I’ll help the tavern keeper kill you,” he warned.

“Start a fight in here and I’ll end you both,” Mike warned them quietly. The two soldiers quickly began to behave themselves.

“You look lost in thought, Aisha,” Nanaba took another bite of her meal.

“Have you ever wondered what it would have been like if you didn’t join?” she asked absently. “Or, say, if the wall wasn’t breached…or even if, things had just been different somehow.”

“Why are you asking?”

“I just…don’t know what I would be doing now if I wasn’t in the military,” she said.  There was a forlorn look on her face. “Ambros said that Lotte expected me to get married. That’s why she left me some of the things she did. Would I just be scraping it by in the Underground? I feel like all I have is being a soldier.”

Mike sighed. “I can’t see you ‘scraping’ by, at any rate, even if you weren’t in the corps. It’s not a bad thing to join because there’s nothing else going for you either. My parents died when I was young, so unless I wanted to run the farm they left by myself, I had to join the military.”

Aisha smiled sadly. “I think Henning and Gelgar are some of the only ones I know with normal families.”

“More of them exist, but you just can’t help remembering the ones like us,” Nanaba said bitterly.

“My folks were decent people,” Mike continued. “They were old already when I came along, so it wasn’t a surprise.”

“If I hadn’t been here, well,” Nanaba laughed coldly. “I might not have been alive. I didn’t have anything to look forward to either.”

The younger soldiers looked on silently, lost for words.

“Let’s jut say that my parents weren’t the greatest,” she explained. “But the point is, there are a lot of soldiers like me. We joined to get away. We weren’t being brave or even signing  up for the greater good at the time.”

Mike’s grip on his flagon tightened slightly. “We all have our reasons, Aisha. They’ll even change with time. It’s not productive to keep dwelling on the ‘what ifs’.”

“I guess,” Aisha took another sip of her drink. “You knew Ambros while he was in the corps, right?”

“I did,”

“Why do I get the feeling you didn’t like him?” she smiled sadly.

“There wasn’t much animosity between us for the most part,” he explained. “He was a veteran when I came in. Well-respected, with a decent kill-streak.”

“So, what happened?”

“One time we were out there, and he decided to take on too much for himself. He lost his cool and got his squad had been torn apart,”

“That’s when he got injured.”

“He did. I was under his command, and he was badly wounded,” he said. “Another teammate and I barely got him out of it alive. It seemed like something personal happened before we went out. I never really forgave him for that.”

Aisha remembered the venomous way that Ambros and looked at his half-brother back in wall Sina. Could that have been it?

“He regrets it, I think.”

“We all have regrets,” he gave a bear-like yawn and stretched. “He never talked to us, or anyone, for that matter. No one knew until it was too late. I guess that’s why I wanted to not make that mistake with my soldiers.”

“That makes sense,” she said. “I suppose you’re worried that I’m still grieving.”

“I know you are. It’s just better to deal with it.”

She laughed. “I got yelled at by the Captain because he thought I was being too public about it.”

“He’s probably worried about your reputation,” Nanaba said. “You know he’s not the best with words, but he’s seen a lot of soldiers come and go. You’re already very young, so it’s already an uphill battle to earn and keep your respect. A lot of folks hear about your kill count and they don’t believe it—far less if they see you in a state.”

“Speaking of reputations,” Mike sighed. “I know Erwin spoke to you about our fund raising ventures.”

“He did,” she said sheepishly. “I don’t know why I’m going, to be honest.”

“You’re a fresh face,” he said with some amusement. “Apparently you’ll offset me the way that Eld offsets Levi.”

Aisha snorted. “That’s an interesting line of thought.”

“We should head back,” Nanaba yawned. “Why are those two so quiet suddenly?”

They looked over and saw that the boys had fallen asleep in a fairly undignified heap. People nearby were staring.

The older soldier may have smiled, but the kick that she aimed to their bench was vicious enough to throw them onto the floor. Aisha stifled her giggles with a last swig from her flagon. It was hard to stay florlorn on nights like these, even when the weight of loss and responsibility wore on her. Maybe she’d be fine after all.

\----

Days later, the duty of training and teaching gave way to a vastly different calling. The silence clawed at Aisha’s nerves as she stood stock-still in the middle of the barracks, her posture awkward and self-conscious.

“It’s remarkable,” Nanaba finally spoke as she walked in a circle around her with a thoughtful expression. “How in the world does this fit so well?”

Kate tugged at the heavy brocade, adjusting the falling skirts of the abhorrent garment that was slowly draining the composure of her fellow soldier.

“I really don’t need to do anything,” she surmised, closing her sewing kit. “It does seem to be perfect.”

Hange had a sympathetic smile. “I mean, it’s very nice—but the look on your face is spoiling the effect.”

Aisha’s brow creased. “I feel really stupid.”

“You’ll only look stupid if you keep standing like this,” Nanaba emulated her posture with an exaggerated air. “Relax.”

“I’m not really used to wearing this sort of thing,” she said. There was a longer mirror that had been brought in, leaning against the wall in its sturdy frame. She gazed at herself, trying to remember what her mother looked like, and failed.  The dress was one of the horrendously expensive things Lotte had put away for her. It was likely to be her mother’s—the fit was too perfect, and the style and colours were a bit more modern than the others. All of Lotte’s old dresses were far too long. This one was cobalt-blue,  and cinched in tightly at the waist; its skirts weren’t the full, ball-gown affair, but rather something half as intolerably large. Aisha looked at the amount of décolletage that was on display and wilted.

“I suppose this is how the other half lives,” she sighed. The thing felt like a heavy cage.

\----

She had no idea how they managed to fit her _and_ the blasted skirt into the carriage later that evening. Mike had taken one look at the sheepish, uncomfortable expression on Aisha’s face and burst into his strange, snorting laugh.

“I look ridiculous.”

“No, you don’t,” he said, his encouraging tone slightly undercut by the amusement in his eyes. “I actually wouldn’t have recognized you if I hadn’t seen that horrified look on your face.”

“They put _rouge_ on me,” Aisha complained. “And kohl.”

“You make that sound like an ordeal. I’ll be thankful I’m not a woman, then,” he nodded as the carriage took off. He was in a tailed suit that was deceptively well-tailored, looking far more expensive than it probably was. It seemed little-used by the lack of wear on its seams, with the only indicator of age being its slightly dated style.

“Are we meeting the commander there?”

Mike nodded. “Levi and Eld will be in his carriage. I got the feeling Hange told him that we wouldn’t all fit in one,”

Aisha turned slightly pink. “I’ve never felt this obtrusive in my life.”

“You’ll fit in at that ball,” he said. “Believe me, if you think this is outrageous, wait until you see what some of the noblewomen manage to fit themselves into.”

As it turned out, her squad leader was right. Two hours later, the carriage came to a stop inside wall Sheena. From the inside, Aisha could see the lamplight catching on the assorted jewels that shone on the dresses the other women wore, while some even adorned their hair. She touched the simple velvet ribbon around her neck and wondered just how heavy some of those elaborate getups could be.

Mike helped her out of the carriage, and she took a moment to straighten the annoying skirts. The difference in height between them made walking arm in arm a bit comical, but it was comforting to have him there. He easily dwarfed every man that she saw, so when their inquisitive gazes rested upon them, most of the time, they focused on Mike due to his sheer, impressive size.

The second carriage pulled up a short time after, as the pair waited on the vast staircase leading to the building. Apparently this was the mansion of some Earl who was itching to show off his wealth to the businessmen, and also to the military. Many nobles found that keeping the right company kept them relevant—and safe.

Eld was the first to disembark, also clad in a similar suit to Mike’s. It seemed as though he had grown used to being dragged to these things. He caught her eye and paused, looking a little startled.

“You look like a different person,” he gaped.

“This must be how dolls feel after a game of dress-up,” Aisha complained. “Kate’s responsible for most of this. Major Hange and Nanaba supplied the encouragement.”

“You grew up as a tomboy, I suppose,” he said with an amused tone.

“More or less,” she said. “My guardian’s mother was quite the lady, so she made me learn etiquette and all that, but I never had the cause to get dressed up like _this_.”

“It suits you though,” he said. Aisha tinged pink again. Another layer of discomfort was added as the knowledge that this was her mother’s dress stayed to the very forefront of her thoughts. A woman she never knew, and quite possibly a woman who hated her existence. How had she felt when she wore this?

She turned her face away, hoping that she could hide the sudden despondency on her face. Then she saw Levi, and felt her skin practically burn under his gaze.

“Captain.” She kept her voice matter-of-fact. He looked completely at home in the well-tailored, formal suit.

There was something strange in his eyes, but he simply quirked an eyebrow at her. As though he thought better of saying what was on his mind, he looked back at the commander.

“Let’s get this over with.”

* * *

 

Levi didn’t sip the wine he was offered; it stayed untouched in his hand, the crystal glass catching the light of the candles. Nearby, his companions had done the same. They only raised their glasses after Mike signaled that he hadn’t detected anything amiss. After the last attempt to poison Erwin, the safer they could be, the better.

He was in a slightly more sour mood than usual, and the reason behind that was gnawing at him. Every time he looked at _her_ , his thoughts darkened. She was still arm-in-arm with her squad leader, who was talking to one of the invited, high-ranking garrison members. Her profile was illuminated by the grandiose chandelier, filled with quite possibly hundreds of candles; that regal glow to her skin was utterly distracting, and so was the cut of the gown she wore. Unwelcome desires were adding their presence to his already roiling mind.

The nobility were mulling about, many of them whispering excitedly as he walked by. He hid his annoyance behind his usual, stoic expression. While members of the public usually hid their fascination, the rich and privileged had no such need. He noticed that many of them stared openly at Aisha—quite possibly because of her strange features. Some held derision on their faces, while other seemed fascinated, as though she was some sort of collector’s item. He never needed a reminder about how much he hated these pigs, but this had certainly done a good job. He easily found a spot near to one of the many verandahs, well outside of the activity of the party.

Erwin had already found the noble who threw the ball—Earl Konig. The man was probably a bit past middle age, and was the picture of excess. From his overly flashy clothing to the rounded figure of one who had no issues feeding himself, he was truly from a different world. Erwin’s charm seemed to be working—especially on the women surrounding the pair. Eyes fluttered as they took in his high cheekbones, and his well-built physique. Those further away from the goings on were all enraptured in their own conversations; he spotted Aisha with Eld, chatting amongst themselves as the took in the splendour of their surroundings. The younger man was all smiles, but every time he looked at her, there was an ever-so-slight change. Levi cursed himself again. This was getting out of hand.

His heightened attention towards her caught the way the colour drained out of her face, even as he tried to distance himself. He’d never seen her look like this before, even when facing Titans. Her dark brows were creased in an irate expression, her posture stiff and combative—but her eyes seemed to hold a tinge of fear.

 Swearing under his breath, he left his spot, dodging the guests who excitedly tried to catch his attention in order to wrap him up in useless chatter. He glanced across at Mike; by the icy glare and the set of his jaw, he'd also noticed the change in the girl, but he wasn't looking at her. Oblivious, Eld was extending his hand to someone who had approached them. When the man turned, his face was illuminated by the laden chandelier.

He looked almost exactly like Ambros Krause.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can tell, I love me some drama.
> 
> I'm hoping to get the story moving in earnest now, with some key development for these two munchkins. Levi has some idea that he's got feelings for her now (weirdly accurate psychoanalytic dreams, anyone?), but he's not at all experienced with how to deal with them.
> 
> Spoiler alert: he does not deal with them well. At all.


	17. Hit the Floor: The Civilised Chaos, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone :) I’m glad to see so many people like my tendency to shove angst and drama in the plot haha. This chapter is going to be some more exposition, and it sews the seeds for a few storylines that come in later ;)  
> Now, on a bit more somber note, I chose Linkin Park for this chapter because it seemed fitting. I had a banged up, burned CD of Hybrid Theory when I was about seven or eight, and that’s what got me into metal. I still remember my parents getting me Meteora for Christmas when I was ten. As you may be able to tell by my tendency towards using song lyrics in my writing, music is a big part of my life. I literally would not be the person I am today without this band, even if I did outgrow them as I got older.  
>  **Content Warning: Suicide.**

_I know I'll never trust a single thing you say_  
_You knew your lies would divide us, but you lied anyway_  
_And all the lies have got you floating up above us all  
_ _But what goes up has got to fall_

_One minute you're on top_  
_The next you're not, watch it drop_  
_Making your heart stop  
_ _Just before you hit the floor_

 _One minute you're on top_  
_The next you're not, missed your shot  
_ _Making your heart stop_

_You think you won_

_And then it's all gone._

 

 

~~~

The door shook under his fists; the heavy wood was too sturdy to shift completely. He could hear his wife crying from the other room, but on the other side of _this_ door, there was only silence.

“My love, please, open the door,” he was screaming.

The servants were piled at the end of the hallway, watching in varying degrees of horror as he slammed his sobbing body against the door again and again. Finally, some of the yard boys came forward and held him back before charging in tandem—the force of their combined efforts, splintering the very frame from its wall. Xavier flung past them and into the dark room, skidding to his knees as he slid on the wet floor.

She was there, on the flowered rug, eyes vacant and staring up at the ceiling. A once beautiful face was ashen and grey, slack with unknowingness and almost waxen. Whoever said that persons looked at peace when they died was a liar. She was covered in cold, slick blood when he took her into his arms—though the way she behaved was similar, in a sort of way. Her body was leaden, and heavy, protesting his every move—almost the way she’d been in life. His eyes were clouded with tears, but they combed every inch of the place before settling on the little bundle on the bed. One of the men had broken through the crowd gathered at the door and passed over them, picking up the tiny body. The little girl stirred feebly and opened her eyes.

“She’s alive, Lord Varnhagen,” he breathed, searching her over for injuries. Even from his perch on the floor, he could see the shredded cuffs of her little dress, as though it was cut apart.

The servants parted for Miesha, who surveyed them all with red-rimmed eyes. The butler took the little girl over, and she shook her head, refusing to look at them both.

“Take her back to the nursery,” she said, her voice hoarse. “The rest of you go back to your work. Now.”

Xavier stayed on the floor, the weight of the corpse sapping the feeling from his legs as he choked on wordless sobs.

~~~

“You look well, Aisha,”

Eld turned to his comrade in surprise. “You know the Baron?”

Her mouth was dry. She could still feel the ache on her fist when she’d hit him all those years ago. The brown eyes that turned up to his were vicious with hatred.

“No, I don’t,” she bowed stiffly and moved to walk away.

The Baron sidestepped her, blocking her way as her slack-jawed friend seemed beyond words. The large, imposing shadow of her squad leader loomed close, and Xavier was forced to look away from her.

“Baron Vanhargen,” his deep voice was neutral, but somehow deadly in its inflection. “I don’t believe this is the place.”

The other man drew himself up to full height and met his glare. “I’m not sure if I know what you’re talking about.”

Aisha stared up at the two men, willing herself to keep her temper in check. Across the room, she saw the Baroness—her lips pressed in a firm line as she kept a death-grip on her daughter’s arm. The party mulled around them, unaware of anything other than the promise of drinks and social niceties.

Xavier’s voice held a new-found smoothness. “I would like to speak to this soldier. Isn’t it common for the nobility to take interest in the talented men and women who protect us? Is that not why you came here?”

There was a flash in his eyes that told Aisha that her usually-composed leader was quickly losing his temper. She looked across at Eld, and there was a desperateness in her expression that spurred him into action. He tapped Major Zacharias on the shoulder and murmured in a low voice.  
“I’m sure the Commander needs you to help him with the others,”

Aisha slipped away to his other side and melted into the crowd. She took wide strides as she walked across the smooth, shining marble floor, trying to put as much distance between herself and the Baron as possible. A hand caught her arm and she stiffened.

“We’re going this way.”

She turned to see the Captain—a mixture of relief and a new anxiety settled into her chest. His comparatively large hand wrapped around her wrist and he led her out of one of the doors and back onto the verandah.

“He’s going to follow us out here,” she said, glancing behind them. Mike had spotted Levi, and seemed content to let him handle the situation—he’d made his way back to Erwin, all the while his face was stony and livid. Eld, meanwhile was trying to keep the Baron in a conversation, but it quite obviously was not working. With a cursory look, he left the younger man standing there and was wandering the floor.

“So that’s your father.”

Aisha sighed. “You could call him that, I suppose.”

The girl seemed exhausted already, as though the weight of the evening was tearing her down. His social graces had never been good, and at the moment he was searching for _something_ he could do to alleviate that look. All of the possibilities were far too ridiculous and were summarily dismissed.

“What are you going to do, then?” he asked finally.

“I can’t avoid him forever,” she said. “But every time I see him I just have this blind rage. I feel like I can’t do anything.”

She was staring at him helplessly, which didn’t help the untangling of his thoughts. Things that required brute skill—Titan kills, for instance, were so easy. These things that could not be solved by his methods were far more troublesome. He could easily kill that man, but what good would it do? Quite to the contrary, it would probably make everything worse—it was absurdly obvious that he was not built for politics, which was why he’d always stuck to the dirty, heavy lifting. Erwin, Hange and the others were the sliver-tongued tacticians. Levi glanced inside again; he assumed the stupid man would not want everyone to know that Aisha was his, but he still had far-reaching power. It was obvious that he didn’t want his daughter dead, or she could have been gone a long time ago…but now that he had her in his own territory, Levi felt uneasy in a way that very few things had made him.

“Have you ever told Erwin about this?”

Her gaze dropped. “No,”

“Then maybe you should,” he said plainly. “He’s going to figure it out anyway, as soon as he spots that man. If he knows the full story, he might be able to make sure this shit happens less often.”

“I joined the military in hopes of escaping him,” she said. “I wanted to help humanity and be free. Why does he have to keep finding me?”

She shivered slightly as the chilly wind picked up, knotting her hands together to keep them warm. This time, he didn’t think—before he’d been able to register his body’s movement, he had reached out to cover her hands with his. It was instinctual, much like the drive that allowed him to kill with such efficacy. The look of surprise on her face was only heightened by the faint blush that deepened the rouge on her cheeks. Her hands were so delicate—long fingered but slender, as though they were meant for fine work; he could easily envelop them with his own, a thought which stoked the embers of those dark thoughts he’d quashed earlier.

“You just aren’t built to live in this shitty place, are you?” his voice carried the same bland frankness as ever, eliciting a smile from the smaller woman.

“I’m really not,” she agreed. There was a double truth to that.

There was nothing she could do to stop herself from thinking about this—how she loved how warm his hands were, how comforting their calloused surface was as they held her own. It felt very much like home—like she’d come back from an expedition to something she’d always known. Was it wrong to feel this way? The doubt gnawed at her with each passing second; he was her superior, and this had to be some sort of girlish dalliance. There was no other way for her to rationally consider his awkward kindness—after all, Humanity’s Strongest was not a bleeding heart, not like _her_.

“There you are,” the sound of that voice shattered her thoughts and the feeling of home slipped away as his hands slid off hers.

Xavier was illuminated by the light of the party behind them, his unwelcome presence like a beacon upon the dark night. His eyes shifted from her to Levi, the pride tempered by some measure of unsureness.

The shorter man did not falter. “It should be fairly obvious that she came out here to avoid you.”

“You’re Captain Levi, then.”                                           

The Captain silently met his gaze, his eyes steely and neutral.

“I came out there because she doesn’t know the real story,” Xavier looked directly at Aisha. “You’ve been fed lies and half-truths.”

“I don’t have any reason to trust someone who threw me away,” she answered venomously. “Why would Ambros lie to me? Why would my mother’s diaries lie? Who would she have been deceiving?”

The colour drained from Xavier’s face. “She—had diaries?”

Aisha thought for a split second, and decided to leave the maid’s name out of it. There was no telling what he would do if he found out that she’d been hiding them for all those years. “She did. And she _hated_ you.”

“How do you know they’re real then?” the look on his face was becoming more and more desperate—deranged. “I loved her more than anything.”

“Like a child loves a toy,” Levi said quietly. “Uncaring about the inability of the toy to love him back, even when he destroys it piece by fucking piece. Did you ever buy a new one?”

“You know _nothing_ about me,” Xavier hissed. “You haven’t given me a chance Aisha. I’m your father, you owe me that much.”

Levi looked over at Aisha and saw her livid expression, her fists clenched at her sides. He seethed inwardly. Sure. A father who never bothered to take care of her, one who never lifted a finger to save someone precious to her—yet still, he wanted to treat her as his own illicit property—to stoke his own ego and try to believe he wasn’t the coward he knew himself to be.

“She wrote entries in that diary right up to the day she died,” Levi’s voice carried ominously. Aisha looked up at him, eyes wide.

“So you read it,” her voice was low, tentative.

“I’ll spare you the gory details,” he said.

“No,” she fixed her eyes on her father. “After I gave you the book, I realised it was a mistake for me to run from the truth like that. I shouldn’t have put that burden on you, and I should know what happened.”

Levi’s gaze met Xavier’s and the older man faltered slightly. “You drove her to the point of no return. She planned to kill Aisha that day before she killed herself—she wanted to drug her to sleep and slit her wrists, but she couldn’t do it. There was nothing for her in her shithole of a life: she couldn’t love her daughter and she couldn’t love herself. You took everything.”

There was a flicker of recognition in his eyes. The details that no one else would have known—that the doctor who checked Aisha over had confirmed the little girl had been dosed with the sleeping aids that Thema had been given to stop her nightmares. The shredded cuffs of her dress had been cut away, as though the person holding the blade was hesitant.

Levi turned his attention to Aisha, whose breathing had become more and more shallow with each word. He didn’t care to stop himself this time, and placed a hand at the small of her back, as though assuring her that he was there. There weren’t any words he could muster to help otherwise.

There was an approaching shadow, and he noted that Erwin had come to find them at last. It seemed as though Mike had finally caved in and told him everything. His cunning gaze was unbroken as he took in the scene.

“Commander,” Aisha saluted him, and he waved her off gently.

“Lance Corporal Kaur,” he said quietly. “Mike has told me that you aren’t feeling well. You can go back to the barracks with Captain Levi. I will give the other nobles my regrets on both of your behalf.”

Her eyes widened. “Thank you, sir.”

“I wanted to speak with you, Baron,” his deep voice seemed to bring the man back to reality. “I’ve heard that you wanted to sponsor the Corps.”

The two soldiers paused.

“I did, yes,” Xavier said in a low tone.

“I wanted to politely refuse,”

“Commander, if I may,” Aisha stepped forward.

“Go on, Aisha.”

“Please don’t refuse because of me,” she said. “I know we need the funds, and this is for humanity.”

Erwin considered her for a second. “I want you to understand that this would mean he has a greater influence on some of the things we do.”

Aisha looked at her father. He was laid bare before her now, a weak, pathetic man. She could handle him—Ambros, Lotte and her time in the Corps had made her formidable enough to withstand the storm. She’d allowed herself to slip this evening as he’d taken her by surprise—but he was _nothing_ compared to the Titans…less than _nothing_ compared to her suffering.

“I am aware, sir. I stand by my words. I gave my heart to humanity, and I will not let anything within these walls break me.”

Xavier was staring at her as though she’d morphed into some form of horrifying creature—he was _scared_ of his daughter because she had become something incomprehensible to him.

Levi noted with disgust the way that the parasitic, pleading gaze remained under the awe. He soon met her gaze with a determined stare. There was a part of him that was desperate for her to see him the way that he wanted to be seen. The way that he could never get her mother to look at him. The Commander let his veneer slip for a second, giving her a proud smile that lifted much of the heavy weight on her chest. “I commend your spirit. You and Levi should leave now, I will discuss the particulars with the Baron.”

\----

“Thanks for what you did back there,” Aisha said. She was looking out the window of the carriage, street lamps casting a soft glow onto her face.

“It’s fine, kid.” Levi was more than a little discomforted now; the intrusive thoughts were back, and he felt almost helpless against them. He would have caved that fucking coward’s face in if he could get away with it—hell, he was sure that she would have, too.

They were back within Wall Rose soon enough, most of the ride passing in contemplative silence.

“I hope you understand what you’ve committed yourself to,” he said plainly. She looked at him and smiled sadly. There was determination in her eyes, but he could tell that she was defeated.

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “I could never run from him even if I quit the army and went back to the Underground. He’s better off chasing me and not Ambros. I’d rather have him at my face than at my back, plotting. At least his money will be going to the Corps.”

She really was a smart, strong girl. He felt a rush of warmth as he contemplated her delicate features. She’d clawed her way into his life, just as Ambros said she would. The irritation and hesitation to admit this was wearing down with time, leaving this confused acceptance in its place.

“You’re a good soldier, kid,” he said finally. “You’ve grown up a lot.”

“A lot of it is because of the military. Thanks for kicking my ass when I needed it,” she grinned.

The carriage stopped at the base, and he left first, helping her descend because the ball-gown had almost completely obscured her ability to see where she was stepping. He checked his pocketwatch; it was almost one in the morning. The courtyard was completely deserted, with only the whispering of the wind through the trees making its way through the darkness.

They walked to the barracks almost leisurely, shirking the path in order to walk amongst the grass and trees. There was an easy silence between them, yet underneath, a thread of tension remained. He was keenly aware that they were alone, that he could smell the perfume on her neck and look at the shadows that were cast along her collarbones by the dim light.

“Tell me if anything happens,” he said suddenly.

She stopped walking and looked at him with surprise. “With Xavier?”

“I can’t accomplish much in terms of politics,” he looked down at his battle-hardened hands. “But I won’t let you get taken into any games that fucking pig decides to play.”

Her heart was in her throat, hammering blood into her head and dulling the thoughts that were battling for attention. “I’ll always tell you everything.”

Was that the truth? Could she tell him about the feelings bubbling in her gut, setting her skin on fire under his gaze?

He was looking at her again, like he was so tired, so fraught with something incomprehensible. Was it the same for him? It felt like a prideful folly to assume he was holding back the same insistent longing…but she couldn’t tear herself away from it. He’d done so much for her—he was always there, even though she wasn’t one of his soldiers. There was a chance she wasn’t fooling herself, right? Whether it was the looming influence of her father on her life, or the cover of darkness, a certain recklessness was settling in.

The light of the moon and the lanterns barely allowed him to see the intense look in her eyes. His throat felt dry—any words he could muster would come out as a dull croak. She was closer to him than he expected, the sweet, fruity smell of pine needles wafting between them with the breeze. The dream he’d had was replaying itself as he saw that look in her eyes again. Was it caring? Desire? He’d seen it on her before, but nothing he’d known in his past could compare to it. The thought kindled an anxious fire in the pit of his stomach, filling him with a mixture of horror and _happiness_. He reached out again, but this time, he did not awaken in his room—her corseted waist was under his hands and she stumbled closer, bracing herself against his chest. Like a lost part clicking into place, the instinctual flurry of movement continued; she looked up at him and his mouth covered hers.

It was as if he’d been struck by lightning, his nerves were set on fire by her very touch—her lips were so soft, yielding under him as he was sure he was being too rough, too earnest. All he could taste was _her._ He could hear her little murmurs. Feel her mouth moving inexpertly along with his, parting slightly in a gasp that he swallowed with ease. His hand snaked up her back, holding her in place at the base of her head as her fingers clutched at his suit.

This was exactly what he’d wanted, yet did not care to admit—but it was also the thing he dreaded. He broke her embrace and stepped away, and time seemed to rush around them in a flurry, as though catching them up to the present from their suspended animation. He could feel the painful absence of her warmth from his skin, the pounding arousal in his veins.

“It’s about time you go back to the barracks,” he said, his voice sounding detached, even to his own ears.

In the weak light, he registered the way that she’d turned her face away, as though she couldn’t look him in the eye.

Her tone was sad—forlorn, almost. “Yes, Captain.”

He’d never felt so devoid of his humanity until this moment, when he consciously made the decision to quash the little yearning voice in his head with an iron fist. There was no room for selfishness in his life. Nothing gave him the right to take away her life, her future and tie them to a monster of a man. She was too young, he was too jaded and this was all too wrong.

He’d just felt so at home when she touched him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the ~worst~ lololol


	18. Superstition: The Civilised Chaos, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, it's been a while.
> 
> Lots of things have happened since my last update. For one, I was swamped with my TA duties and research assistant stuff...and then in October, my grandfather passed away after a nearly ten year battle with cancer.
> 
> I won't lie, it basically wrecked me. I have been lucky enough to have grown up with all four grandparents. This grandfather was also the closest to me, as he basically lived with us. I saw him pretty much every day for 24 years. 
> 
> I have a more detailed, depressing post about it on my tumblr, linked below. After a while, I was able to write, but it was a scene that's far, far in the future--about death. I'm sure you'll all be able to identify it when it comes up.
> 
> http://flailed-state.tumblr.com/post/167091807617/writing-through-grief

_I walk out to the edge of the lake,_  
_eyes following the water_  
_as it washes my convictions away._  
_He stops me when I’m starting to pray._  
  
_He says,_  
_“Intuition is awakening suspicion.”_  
_He says,_  
_“My tradition is the art of superstition.”_  
  
_I wake up in the light of the fire,_  
_eyes burning like the ashes_  
_in submission to the heat of desire._  
_He tells me not to preach to the choir._  
  
_He says,_  
_“This condition is a slow decomposition.”_  
_He says,_  
_“My religion is the practice of sedition.”_

 [Year 846]

               Levi awoke, covered in a sheen of sweat _again_. After the unrestful, fitful repose in his chair, he caught himself before he hit the cold stone floor. That dream kept haunting him, creeping its hands into every moment his eyes were shut. The waves of guilt and need clashed in his breast, cresting in a rip-current that could have drowned a lesser man. The day of the 28 th expedition was closing in, hastened by Xavier Varnhagen’s money and connections. He’d tried to keep Aisha off the battlefield, but earned himself a stiff rebuke from the commander—so instead, he’d won a meeting with his estranged daughter today.

A meeting that Levi was supposed to attend on Erwin’s advice, to ensure the girl was kept safe—along with their funding.

               He hauled himself out of the room, his head aching. They hadn’t seen much of each other since the little incident in the forest. No, instead he was constantly tormented by dreams that knotted his thoughts into a mess of confusion and annoyance. Through her time in the corps, he’d seen Aisha at her worst—bloody, disheveled and sleep-deprived. Even with messy hair tied haphazardly and the dirt from the battlefield on her face, she retained this _dignity_ and easy grace. It was something reliable, in a way.

At the ball, however, he’d been caught unawares. In her mother’s dress, her snarling hair was pulled away from a face that held a startling regality. Though her mood was grim—she shone. He’d felt utterly stupid looking at her, feeling his heart throwing itself into his throat. With just a little polish she was more than suited to stand in that hideously expensive room amongst the coddled elite; it made sense, in an ironic way, that her father was nobility. She carried none of his looks, and somehow she had inherited the poise that skipped over him.

               The cold water of the shower provided suitable distraction under its refreshing torrent, but the thoughts remained under the surface, waiting. Levi cursed under his breath, allowing the tank to run itself dry for the first time. He was always one for expediency, for exactitude, but today, he was not himself. It was pathetic, and he knew it—how could he do his duty like this? He needed his wits about him. His body would not lag, it would be as it always was—even when he was wracked with sorrow years ago, it moved without him. Almost as though his mind was torn in two, with one side feeling, while the other carried on and _did_. Today, he had to pull it together. This was not an assignment that needed his brawn.

 They were a few weeks out from the next expedition, and of course, the Baron wanted to see his ‘daughter’ _now_. Despite the fact that everyone was thrown into rigourous preparation, Erwin relented, but he had his hidden move—instead of Mike, he insisted that Levi would go along. The man in question was waiting for him when he left the room. By now, he had grown used to reading Mike’s facial expressions in lieu of his words, and thus he understood the stiff nod that said: _“You know what’s at stake here.”_

And this wasn’t just about the money, no—it was far more personal to Humanity’s Second Strongest. While Mike was usually stoic, it was apparent that he was unable to keep his temper around Varnhagen. Only a few people knew why, of course—Mike had been newly promoted to Major when it all came to a head. After a summer expedition, the corps was sent home on leave. Without a home himself, he travelled. In a tiny rural hamlet, he befriended a local girl who took shifts at the inn for extra income and was absolutely fascinated by the corps. She’d been bright, adventurous and filled him with her aspirations for independence. He was never apt to speak at length, but talking to her was easy. He tempered her drive to join the military—why should she give up a peaceful life? His enlistment should be to save others, not lead them to a life of torture and death. She was a good listener, but he could tell that the fire continued to burn within her. There was a bravery there that was unquenched by his excuses, his stories. She had convinced him with her resolve, even if it pained something in him to see someone rushing towards certain death.

One evening, his friend didn’t come back.

At a loss, he was left with no choice but to return to HQ after his time was up. As he was leaving the village, he’d noticed her on the grounds of a dingy farm. She was hefting the heavy tools on her own, exhaustion marring her movement. Their eyes met, and his pulse began to hiss in his ears. She was in less than pristine condition. He dismounted his horse.

That was the day the little hamlet had seen the calm, shaggy bear of a man’s vicious side.

\----

               Levi walked down to the stables; most of the soldiers along his path were already fully uniformed and were furtively scattering out of his way. This was something he was perhaps too used to—it wasn’t something he could help, despite being aware of. Catching a glimpse of his dour face in the glass of a window, he sighed inwardly. Aisha was already in the carriage, her own expression uncharacteristically bleak.

The first words out of her mouth did not help his mood.

“I’m sorry.”

He had barely taken his seat.

“What are you talking about?”

“You were ordered to come with me, right?” she was hesitant. Levi was aware of his obtuse tendencies, but even he could tell that this wasn’t the whole story. “I’m dragging everyone into this.”

“I’m sure we’re all willing to deal with the Baron if it means we can go on the next expedition,” he told her flatly.

She met gaze for a second and then quickly looked away. He wasn’t sure what to make of that look, but it sparked an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. There was really only one thing that could be bothering her.

But it just wasn’t something he knew how to talk about.

The carriage plodded along without conversation, but the rhythmic sounds of hooves jogging and wheels turning were providing their own disadvantages. Lulled into distraction, he realised he’d been staring at her again, as though his eyes just seemed to rest there of their own accord. She was tired again—dark circles showed prominently on her tan skin. Even when she was tight-lipped, it was hard for her to hide her worry when her very features seemed to betray her confidence. The memory of the kiss invaded his thoughts again and he felt a surge of self-loathing. How could he have done that?

               She hadn’t pulled away from him—quite the opposite, actually. Still, it did little to make him reconsider how _wrong_ it was. Nothing had changed since he’d scoffed at this idea with Ambros; he was still too old, too rough around the edges. He was a soldier and a thug, made of coarse nerve and wrought through a life that made him ill-suited for anything else. It was selfish to think otherwise. It was likely to be a youthful dalliance on her part, and he was uninterested in taking part in this coming-of-age adventure. He would wait. She wasn’t a stupid kid, and he was not a complicated man. It was easy to see who and what he was. She would move on…but for that, he would have to let her.

Something like that kiss could not happen again.

               Like ripping nails one by one from a stubborn piece of wood, he forced his gaze away. Today, his focus was on keeping the Baron in his place. He was never one for honeyed words, so if Erwin wanted him to smooth over any issues…well. His ham-fisted approach to conversation would likely make things a lot _worse._ As much as Aisha hated her father, she was smart enough to know what was expected. Erwin would have trusted her enough to not fuck this meeting up too badly, or he would have sent in someone with a silver tongue as her guide instead. His presence would do two things: he was Humanity’s Strongest, and thus, in theory, it was a show of how highly the scouts regarded the Baron to send him; secondly, as the Baron was _very_ clear on where Levi stood in this debacle, it was an obvious warning.

               The carriage stopped in Sheena almost too quickly; he had been lost in his thoughts again. A footman was already out on the pavement, opening the door with a bow. Levi disembarked and turned towards Aisha, who took his politely extended hand as though she was in a daze. Her expression was pinched again.

“Relax, kid,” he murmured.

She met his gaze and nodded imperceptibly, fixing her face into something more neutral. Smoothing her hands over her skirt, she took a deep breath.

“Lance Corporal Aisha, Captain Levi, welcome. Lord Varnhagen and Miss Amelia are waiting in the drawing room,” the kindly maid greeted them at the door, giving Aisha a familiar smile.

“Miss Amelia?” she said incredulously.

“Yes, Lord Vanhargen’s daughter,” the maid explained, leading them through the spotless hallway. “Unfortunately, The Lady Varnhagen is not at home today.”

_Unfortunately. Right._

Aisha’s eyes were fixed on the double doors to the drawing room; beautifully filigreed and spotless, they were closed in and foreboding. The made opened them with a smooth flourish, bowing to its occupants.

“Lord Varnhagen, Miss Varnhagen, your guests have arrived.”

“Thank you, Clara,” Xavier’s voice sounded just a bit nervous. Aisha stepped into the room without a bow, as did Levi. The Baron’s face clouded slightly when his eyes set upon the other man, but he refocused his attention to his daughter.

“It’s wonderful to see you, Aisha. I should tell Clara that you’re actually the ‘Miss Varnhagen’, if we’re being strict about it,” he looked over to the redheaded girl at his side. “I’m sure that would be troublesome though, wouldn’t it, my dear?”

Aisha felt a shudder of repulsion and took the seat far away from her father. The formalities of addressing nobility were already off-putting enough in their frivolity—she wanted nothing to be a part of it. Keeping her face carefully blank, she set her hands on her lap demurely, though her patience was already chipping away.

Luckily, Levi was able to sit beside her. Though she was still confused about the other night—his closeness was an indispensable comfort.

The Baron’s younger daughter, Amelia seemed similarly uncomfortable by her father’s ramblings. “I’m not sure that she would like a strange title, father.”

The girl’s face was quite like her mother’s—beautiful, pale and lightly freckled, crowned with the same smooth red hair. The difference, however, was that these blue eyes held kindness rather than scorn; her voice was similarly sweet and quite unlike her mother’s.

“Strange?” Xavier considered it. “Well, yes, I suppose, for now.” He looked at Aisha. “I’m sorry that Lady Varnhagen—Meisha couldn’t be here. Amelia was very excited to meet you though.”

Brown eyes met blue ones, and the girls exchanged a look of tentative understanding.

“I was,” Amelia admitted. “I remember you coming here all those years ago. I didn’t know I had a sister at all, and then suddenly—there you were.”

A _sister_? The idea was discomforting. Aisha wondered if it felt that way for her; to have a perfect family (whatever her mother was like) and then to have it completely shattered one day by her father’s past. How could she be so accommodating?

“I wasn’t aware of you either,” Aisha said quietly. “I wasn’t aware of any of this. I just knew my father and his family left me in the Underground because I was _inconvenient_.”

“Ambros has been filling you with lies,” Xavier’s face darkened. She’d put her foot in it again; this conversation was not going to end well if it continued. “I didn’t have a choice.”

Aisha bit her tongue. Luckily, Amelia seemed to steer the conversation away with deft understanding.

“I just find it amazing for you to be in the Survey Corps though,” she said with a smile, cutting across her father. “What bravery. I can’t imagine the things you must see.”

Aisha looked over at Levi, who was staring down at the table as though he was in another world; his eyes however, were sharp and alert.

“It isn’t an easy job,” she said. “But it’s something we have to do.”

Xavier gave a little scoff as the maid came in with tea. “I would rather you hadn’t enlisted, honestly. Other people can do that work, can’t they? That was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. I talked to your commander, but I wanted to speak to you directly: Why not leave? Your reputation has gotten into Sheena already, so there’s no need to stand on pride. I would still give donations to the regiment, obviously, but I would perhaps be even more generous knowing that you’re safe.”

Levi looked up. “I don’t think you understand the importance she holds.”

Xavier stared. “One soldier will leave and countless others will enlist. Imagine how many more would sign up with all of the money I’d put in to the Survey Corps.”

“ _Lance Corporal_ Aisha Kaur was promoted on her very first mission outside of the walls for her bravery, leadership and combat prowess,” Levi explained. “That doesn’t happen often. She has killed twenty-three Titans, most of those on her own. That doesn’t count all of the Titans she killed during the breach that weren’t adequately noted down in the chaos. She isn’t easily replaced, especially on our longer missions.”

Her father looked at her with that expression torn between fear and discomforting pride. “I’m sure that’s true, but she is still just one soldier.”

“So am I,”

Aisha turned to Levi with surprise. Had he just drawn a parallel between them? _Her_ and the likes of him? Humanity’s strongest and a wet-behind-the-ears rookie. It was laughable in a very blasphemous way.

“Don’t look at me like that either,” he told her blandly. “Erwin gave me my orders this morning, and one of them was to let the Baron know that your leaving is not on the table. We do not let our valuable soldiers go for money. They’re more important than funding. You can have all the funding in the world and die because you lack the skilled people to do the work.”

“And you think she is that important,” Xavier’s face was carefully blank now.

“She is a young soldier, but she has the ability to become one of humanity’s strongest,” Levi looked at Aisha again. “No, you might not be me, but you’re worth a few squads of ordinary soldiers. We need that to develop.”

“I was wondering,” she smiled wryly. “I’m no match for you, and the way you were going on you’d swear—”

Xavier cleared his throat, interrupting her. “Fine then, I understand your position. Then if I concede that, you can understand the reason I asked you here: I would like to publicly acknowledge that Aisha is my eldest child.”

Everyone stared at the Baron, slack-jawed.

“You would be, officially, Miss Varnhagen,” he said. “You’d inherit my barony.”

“No.” Aisha shook her head decisively. “I’m not interested—besides, what about _your daughter_?” she jerked her head towards Amelia.

“Amelia is betrothed to a Marquess. She will have a grand title all on her own when she marries. I would have to give the barony to her new family or perhaps some other relative.”

“Then do that. I don’t want anything from you aside from your donations to our regiment,” she said firmly.

“Why not? You will have everything that comes with a peerage. Think about when you’re ready to leave and marry—you would be a war hero and set to inherit. You could find many noble-born men—”

“I told you, I’m not leaving the corps,” she said. “I also don’t want a soft man who knows nothing but luxury.”

Xavier’s eyes fixed on Levi. “Perhaps you’re swayed by the delusions of gravitas among those common soldiers. You’re still young, but you should know that security is utmost.”

“Perhaps,” Amelia interceded again. “This should be left here. You do need to talk this over with mother, right?”

“My darling, Meisha will come around,” he said. “But you are right, Amelia. I should discuss it further. And let Aisha think things through properly so she can see the wisdom in this. Won’t it be nice, my dear? You’d go out together, Miss Varnhagen and Miss Amelia, as true sisters.”

Aisha and Levi exchanged a look as the Baron was entangled with his own words. This was something different. By all logic, the Baron should be completely against any public acknowledgement of his affair—that was the very reason for her banishment to the Underground, after all, just as Ambros was sent before her. The only thing that was plausible was instability. What would put him in such a precarious position as to require his name to be attached to a skilled soldier?

Aisha recalled when they had come to save Lotte, Xavier readily admitted to his lack of influence. Could it be that this was slipping even further? By throwing his lot with her, he would endear himself to the common people, no doubt, but he was unlikely to care about that. What was his plan?

 Levi sipped his tea tentatively, as though he had made it a step further than she did. He wasn’t letting anything on—at least not to someone like Xavier or Amelia who did not know him well. The maid had returned to the room with an apologetic bow, ripping the Baron out of his blissful reverie.

“I’m so sorry Lord Varnhagen, but it seems that a letter has come from the Viscount Faust. Apparently, it’s an urgent court matter.”

“Thank you, Clara,” he said, obviously disappointed. “No matter. I want you to be at the next grand ball, Aisha. It will be held next month, at the estate of Duke Odessa.”

For the first time, the prospect of being outside of the walls was her saving grace. “I’ll be on expedition.”

The colour drained from his face. “So soon? Is there no way you can…”

“As we’ve discussed, she is an integral part of our forces,” Levi explained. “This is a long mission, and without her, the Heavy Offense Squad will not be able to cover our formation properly. Her spot will be unmanned and soldiers will die.”

The tactical nature went right over the Baron’s head, save for one facet. “She’s on her own out there? Her squad separates?”

“That’s the nature of it, yeah,” Aisha said. “We all take a spot far apart and look for trouble. We’re trained to work alone.”

“I don’t like the sound of that at all.”

This was going to turn into another argument; Aisha stared defiantly at her father. There was no way he was going to meddle this far into her life. When she was back in the Walls, he was free to pester her. He was _not_ going to mess around with her duties as a soldier when she was outside.

“Father, the Viscount’s letter,” Amelia said quietly.

“Fine. I will be speaking to Erwin about this.”

Aisha heaved a sigh of relief. The Commander could handle her buffoon of a father. If Levi was right, he would be unwilling to settle for her being sidelined, even with more money.

“I’ll show you out,” Amelia rose from her seat with a smile.

Aisha gave her an awkward nod, following the younger girl with some confusion. What in the world was with these people? Meisha Varnhagen would probably see her hanged, Xavier was trying to make her an heir and Amelia, well…she seemed to be trying her best to apologise for both of her insane parents.

She turned to face her half-sister before getting into the carriage again. What was she supposed to say?

“I know this was hard for you,” Amelia said.  
  
“I’m sure it isn’t easy for you either.”

“Not particularly,” her blue eyes held a sharp intelligence. “I know who my father is. And it’s obvious so do you. There’s nothing to be done about him—other than knowing how to handle him. It’s something you should learn.”

“It’s not a skill I really wish I needed,” Aisha looked towards the mansion. “I don’t want any of this.”

“But it’s yours,” she said. “Think about it; the good you could do. I’m not saying that you should go along with him—but consider your situation in the future, when he’s not around.”

Was she imagining her father’s death? Perhaps they did have a bit in common.  
  
“Kid, we need to get back if you want to get any training done today,” Levi interrupted her thoughts.

“Oh, right. Thanks Captain,” she gave a half-hearted bow. “I suppose I may see you at some point when we get back.”

“I hope so, be safe,” she smiled. “May I write to you?”

Aisha was taken aback yet again. “Uh.” She looked at Levi, who stared back unhelpfully. “Okay.”

She got into the carriage, perplexed; for someone who grew up abandoned, she was finding herself knee-deep in this family business.

Looking back at the house as they pulled off, she felt mildly amused at her childhood, with many moments spent wondering about the father that left her.

_This was not all it was cracked up to be._

\----

They were barely out of Sheena before Aisha brought up the meeting.

“You looked like you figured out something,” she told him. “When Xavier was trying to get me to inherit.”

He was _just a little_ impressed, despite himself. Not many people could read him like that.

“There’s only one thing that makes nobles like him do something drastic. It’s probably some kind of scandal threatening to break loose.”

“What are you thinking?”  
  
“He was interested in tying himself to you. Now, the aristocracy doesn’t give a shit about us soldiers for the most part. Even the little hints of your reputation that’s getting out won’t be enough to attach substantial importance to you. The only ones who get that are the Majors and the commanders.”

“And you.”

“And me,” he said dryly. “So it can’t simply be your combat skill. It’s probably his infidelity.”

Aisha leaned forward in surprise. “What? Why do you think that?”

“If it was simple corruption, you couldn’t save his hide. If it was a messy affair—probably with some sort of offspring, he might be able to slide by if he claims you as his heir and makes some sort of public penance.”

“So, I’m a publicity stunt.”  
  
“In a way. Whoever is involved is probably unsavory enough that he doesn’t want this to come out first. If he claims you, if someone else steps forward after…”

“They look like a fraud,” her eyes widened. “Fuck. How did you figure that out so quickly?”

“The Underground was full of those secrets,” Levi said. “This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard of this.”

She was staring at him in awe. They grew up in the same place, but of course, their life experiences had been drastically different. Again, his conscience was prickling. He was too preoccupied with the look on her face again, watching black lashes flutter in surprise at his words—studying every little change from the lift of her eyebrows to the small parting of her mouth. It was just too easy to slip—and for a man unaccustomed to slipping, he was at a loss for how to stop.

Even at the manor, he was preoccupied. When the Baron baited her for marriage, he felt _pride_ again when she scoffed at him—or rather, was it _hope_ , when she scoffed at the idea of pristine, noble men? He was looking for excuses. It was impossible to think of himself as anything other than a reformed thug; he wasn’t a husband or a father and he could never be. He was a weapon.

The carriage stopped, this time, at an unfamiliar place. Aisha looked at him quizzically.

“Erwin has some letters for one of the businessmen here—and they’re not things we can exactly mail.”

Her face was wiped carefully blank, “Okay. Do I stay here, then?”

“Do whatever you want.”

Of course, she came with him. That cloying, mental exhaustion was back, infecting every thought as he moved down the cobbled pavement.

On the fourth floor of one a nearby solicitor’s office, a tall figure let out a gruff noise signaling surprise, a toothpick clenched between his teeth.

“What is it?” a woman stopped her paperwork and looked at him, her expression mingled between irritation and mild curiosity.

He continued to stare down into the street, earning him a sharp sigh from his colleague. She left her table and moved over to the windowsill—though formidable in height herself, she was still inches shorter than the man before her.  
“That pipsqueak down there,” he tapped the glass. “The one I told ya about.”

“Him?”

“His father must’ve been one hell of a short fucker,” he had a slightly proud, yet amused grin plastered across his face.  
“So that’s Humanity’s Strongest,” she murmured. “Certainly doesn’t look it, not from here anyway.”

“Got himself a woman too,” his eyes settled on the feminine silhouette. Even from there, he could see the brownness of her skin—giving a knowing hum under his breath, as though the world had gotten infinitely more interesting within the last minute.  

“What do you want to do?”

“Nothing,” he said, watching them disappear into a building down the street. “It ain’t time for a family reunion just yet.”

\----

“So, what’s this all about?” Aisha asked. They quitted the establishment—the headquarters of a large dry goods company—right after handing over the papers.

“How do you think we get our supplies?”

“Well, I know we do business with these people, but,” she looked at him sceptically. “It’s never struck me as shady. This, however, was shady.”

“Sometimes our supplies come with information,” he explained. “Specifically, this guy is in very deep with the lazy fucks on the security council. The ones who decide whether we can go out.”

“He gives us an idea of how they’re leaning, then,”

“Exactly. He also tells us who are our problem people. In return, we give him one of the first bites when we find anything interesting out there.”

“Endless politics, basically,”  
“There’s always endless politics. It’s the filth of humanity.” They returned to the carriage and set off once again. “But I’d imagine it’s going to be worse in court.”

“You mean, if I take Xavier’s offer.”

“If this is regular filthy politics, that’ll be a fucking cesspool.”

“What do you think we should do then?” she asked.

 _We_.

“Think about what the redheaded brat said. She’s not wrong,” he peered through the window, staring aimlessly as wall Rose came into view. “You could have a lot of influence if you inherit a title.”  
“I sense the word _‘but’_ coming.”

“You could also end up inheriting all of his problems along with it.”

“You mean his political enemies?”

“And the burden of this government,” he said. “There is no way they’d want you to be a member of the regiment and have a seat at the table. Your priorities would be split. The only one who is allowed that is—”

“Commander-in-chief Zackly.”

“You can bet he’s far more versed at playing the game than you are.”

“How can I turn Xavier down then?” Aisha kneaded her hands into the skirt of her dress. “He’s not going to take no for an answer.”

“Well,” Levi looked her right in the eye. “What sort of knowledge can we get on him that is worse than having a bastard?”

“…my mother.” Her voice was small—disturbed.

“If we can tie him to these slave auctions, then we can call the shots.”

“Major Hange and I were looking into it,” she said. “There’s a lot of digging—and most of the accounts are so different it’s hard to tell.”

“You can’t just do this with books,” he told her. “You have to get your hands dirty and talk to people. Or at least,” he sighed. “It seems I will, since I already know who to talk to. You could call this a return to my roots.” His voice was bitingly bitter.

“What do you mean?”

The carriage drew to a stop. As they disembarked, he was looking off into the distance, staring a the officers barracks tentatively.

“I mean, I was never a saint, kid,” he said finally. “I’m not pristine, not like you. My hands are stained with things you can’t just wash off.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, lots of politicking in this chapter-- I've always been fascinated with how the Walldian government must work.
> 
> As you can probably tell, we've got *loads* of minor plots being planted here, so gear up for a lot of this stuff to come back! I've also taken some liberty with the timeline--just slightly. The first squad of the interior MP wasn't a thing until 847, but I figure as it's about late October of 846 here, I can probably get away with having them already be in the works.
> 
> I'm hoping to get into a groove with writing again--I literally have 90,000 words of this thing, but lots of the other stuff are scenes way into the future T.T
> 
> I'm also in the process of writing a side-fic for Fullmetal Alchemist :D. Ankaa will still be my primary concern, but I do love me some political intrigue xD


	19. We are no one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I actually managed to do an update soon! Yay!
> 
> Thanks again for the wonderful comments and the well-wishes, I really appreciate them.
> 
> That being said, I am still sobbing over SNK 105. This was the *woooooorst*. (And please don't put spoilers in the comments for the non-manga readers!). I was so hyped because of the season 3 trailer but I guess I'll be bawling through the whole thing now :| 
> 
> This entire chapter is basically lots of angst. You will likely want to kill both Aisha and Levi. Believe me, I do, because writing believable angst is a pain. Song is by AFI :)

_Bring your secrets to me_  
_Just give me your hands and I'll let you feel the wounds  
_ _They put in me_

 _If you believe in me, how can I be dissolving?  
_ _If you'd believe me, I'd tell you everything_

 _Do you fall too?_  
_Yes, I fall_  
_Do you want to  
_ _Fall into me?_

 _Silence, can you hear me?_  
_Press me to your lips and I'll suck the poison out  
_ _Who will heal me?_

 _If you keep killing me, how can I keep absolving?  
_ _Your sins into me, begin the poisoning_

The ride to and from Wall Sheena took the better part of the day, with only a few hours of sunlight left for training. Aisha relished the cool wind whipping through her hair as she coaxed Azur faster, sharp eyes tracking her new team’s progress. With the exception of Kate, they were all fresh recruits, and as such were incredibly green. Today’s exercise was to get a better handle on their level when using the gear; Kate was the standout, still carrying the improvements of their makeshift classes from the last expedition.

“Alright,” she came to a stop before them. By the shaking knees and slow reaction times, they were done for the day. “Tomorrow we’ll begin again. Be here first thing after breakfast.”

Waving off their salutes, she turned Azur around towards the stables. Levi was already on his way back—the sudden sight of him sending her heart stuttering into her throat. Eld was of course, nearby, along with Gunther and Petra. It seemed as though the two newer trainees were good enough to warrant his training—if they survived the expedition, they could even end up on the Special Operations squad on his say-so.

“Lance Corporal,” Petra stuck her head out of the paddock as Azur approached, “Did you hear that we’ll be near the Levi Squad for the next expedition?”

She couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Yeah, Henning was telling me when I got back. How was training?”

“Equal parts amazing and absolutely grueling,” Gunther appeared, seemingly as jelly-limbed as her own trainees.

“I can’t wait to get out there,” Petra finished unbridling the horse, pausing to tuck a stray piece of hair away before shutting the paddock.

“Just remember this feeling when you’re out there,” Aisha told them, finally giving in to Azur’s insistent begging for petting. “I think you’ll both be fine though. You’re in good hands.”

“Honestly,” Petra looked across the stable to where Levi was brushing his horse, some distance away. “I just want to not disappoint him.”

Well, that was a feeling she could identify with.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said encouragingly. “Just don’t skimp on the cleaning.”

“You two have some equipment to service,” Eld’s voice cut across Petra’s reply, carrying a little-used strictness.

The two recruits stumbled upon themselves a little to salute him and nodded their assent. He watched them scramble off with amusement.

“I suppose I distracted them,” Aisha laughed. Azur, noticing that her attention was now divided, snorted, sticking his face further out the paddock.

“Gotta break them in a little,” Eld grinned. “They’re not like your lot in that sense. They’re still wet behind the ears and starry-eyed. How was the visit to Sheena?”

Of course Eld had been apprised of the goings on—most of the people directly involved and the high ranking officers were.

“It was…something.”

“I can imagine,” he sighed. “So that guy was really your father, then.”

“Unfortunately.”

“The briefing for the other officers left that bit out—Major Hange was the one who told me. All everyone else thinks is that the Baron is enamoured with you and Captain Levi.”

She shuddered. “He wants to make my relation to him public. We’re still trying to figure out why.

“That is strange,” he looked pensive. Azur whinnied, trying to bat him away. “God this horse is a spoiled brat,” he ducked out of the way of the approaching muzzle and laughed.  
  
“Yeah, that’d be my fault,” she groaned, pushing Azur’s face away sternly. As though finally getting the message, the horse left off in a huff, tossing his mane in irritation.

“I don’t think he likes me,” Eld grinned.

“I’m going to have to switch him out for a few days,” Aisha said with a sigh. “Mike warned me about this but, no, I didn’t listen because the horse is _cute_.”

“I’d offer to switch, but I get the feeling he’d bite my arm off,”

“I’ll ask Mike,” Aisha smiled. “I’m sure they’ll both respect each other.”

“You could always ask the Captain,”

“I want him trained, not dead, Eld.”

“You’ve got a point,” he snickered. “In any case though,” the pause made her glance at him—he was adjusting the clip in his hair rather self-consciously. “You’ve got your first Garrison support posting after tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” she said. “With the Second Brigade just back from their expedition, we’ve got just a week or two until they’re back to taking Garrison shifts; I think almost everyone has had a turn except me. Any word on how they did?”

“Well,” he sighed. “It was a bit rough. I mean, they’re scouts like us, but they don’t have the commander, Captain Levi, Major Zacharias…We’ve had such a big spike in recruitment we needed to split the corps. But if they’re all just going to go out there and die…”

“It’s that bad?” she stopped scooping hay into the feeder to gape at him. “I mean, our fatality rate is pretty damn high.”

“They took one hundred men…but they came back with forty.”

“Fucking hell,” she hissed. “Do you think they met that strange female type titan?”

“We’re not sure,” Eld said. “Basically, anyone who could have been able to tell us that is probably dead.”  
  
“Geez.”

“The commander is thinking of going to the expeditions himself, and probably enlisting the Captain or Major Zacharias to go along,” he explained. “But that’s going to be brutal. Back to back expeditions would probably burn them out.”

“Yeah, that seems like a bad idea,” she placed the last bit of hay. “Until we can get that damn titan we’re going to be in bad shape.”

“I’m sure we’ll come up with a plan,” he assured her. “But, I was going to ask…when you’re on duty if you’d be okay with coming to visit with me? The posting is in my hometown. My family is basically always yelling for me to bring my comrades around, but basically, the only one I’m close to is the Captain.”

Aisha snorted at the thought of Levi going to visit Eld’s parents. If he’d be anything like his visit with Ambros, it would be a fiasco. “You don’t have to explain anymore, I understand.”  
He was sheepish again. “Great. My mother loves cooking so she’ll probably try to feed you to death.”  
She felt the first stirrings of normalcy since the ball. It was tiny, but the small spark was welcome. “Oh, I am _definitely_ looking forward to that.”

The grin on his face was borderline blinding, “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

Aisha watched him leave, feeling a little guilty. It wasn’t entirely fair that she was accepting this to make herself feel better—not when he was so thrilled. If this went on, he’d likely get the wrong idea. Her thoughts immediately centred on Levi—and their kiss. She breathed a lengthy sigh. This was becoming more complicated by the second; it might have been presumptuous of her to assume his intentions, but she wasn’t stupid. Eld was kind, but he was probably the friendliest out of the corps when it came to her—not counting Team Zacharias, of course. Coupled with his sweet awkwardness, she had more than an inkling of what was going on.

So what was the problem?

Captain Levi, obviously. The man busily going about his life and giving her the cold shoulder since they returned from Sheena. Something about his tone in the carriage had been off-putting. As though he was trying to delineate that they were two diametrically opposed kinds of people—her, somehow able to walk in the sun amongst the citizens, by contrast he was blood-stained, shadowy and still very much a part of the Underground world that birthed him. But it was too simplistic. He knew she lived there too—he even knew that she’d been abandoned there. Perhaps her life wasn’t as rough as his specifically, but who else could relate to his life of darkness?

Why couldn’t they talk about this?

The thought of telling him how she felt was like a shard of glass, held in a bare hand. The more she gripped and held fast, the more hurt she became. She couldn’t get the words out to him, not when she had no idea where he stood. Childishly, she was terrified of being hurt—hearing the axe come down in a whoosh as he rejected her. But what was worse? Being roundabout and getting slowly beaten down?

There was a fleeting little shred of courage as she walked down the stables, right as he’d put his horse away.

“I’m headed to the Garrison in the Calaneth district tomorrow night,” she said.

“I’ve heard.”

“I might be there a couple days,” she explained, her voice was hopeful, and she hated it. “Can we…talk more about what happened today? I’ll make the tea.”

“Are you sure you should be occupying yourself with frivolous shit right now?” he asked. His caustic tone was rather unlike him—at least where she was concerned. “You’ve got an armful of rookies. Think like a soldier now, your sole existence should be focused on making sure they survive the next expedition.”  
  
She was silent, looking at him with an unreadable expression.

“You’re their superior. Act like it and stop getting held up like your father is some boogeyman under your bed. That’s how you should be dealing with this. Erwin will handle the rest.”

In a sense, he was right. She should put her personal matters aside and remember that there were literal lives in her hands now…but this stung. His tone, his cold eyes.

It was rude for a soldier, but she turned on her heel and walked off. He didn’t stop her.

\----

Nanaba was gazing at her teammate with a mixture of concern and curiosity. The squad had been informed about the whole ordeal of the day, but there had been a strangeness to Aisha that they couldn’t place. After the ball, she’d all but stumbled into the barracks, flushed and short of breath as though she ran all the way there. Eager to talk about the events of the night, Nanaba slipped out of a halfhearted doze, only to be confronted with Aisha’s pinched, dreary-looking expression.

Through her help in divesting the smaller woman of the heavy gown, Aisha answered the furtive questions with one-word statements, never lifting her eyes from the floor. She seemed stunned, almost.

Today, her mood was marginally better—having returned from Sheena on her visit yesterday, she was running drills with her team. On the surface, she was the same, professional Aisha. But to those who knew her—there was still something off.

“What are you thinking?” Mike rode by on his horse, pausing to let it drink from the trough.

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I’m still whip-lashed by all the news. First, we have no funds, now we do—and they’re from Aisha’s father? I can’t keep up. What did Levi say?”

“He brushed me off and went directly to Erwin,” Mike said grimly. “He’s been training since, but I’ll go see them both in a while. It seems like her father is trying to use his influence to get to her, but Erwin has already anticipated that. Knowing Aisha though, she’s willing to give a little if we get the money to go out again—even if it is killing her inside. Don’t press her too hard—I don’t think she’s ready to talk about it.”

“Do you think Erwin can handle him? The last thing we need is someone with far too much clout telling us what to do.”

“The Baron has another thing coming if he thinks that he can blindside Erwin,” Mike snorted. “The regiment will be fine. Aisha on the other hand…”

“How much of her sanity is Erwin willing to sacrifice?”  
  
“I think he’d hawk her down to the organs if it furthered the goal,” he said grimly. “And I think that stupid girl would let him.”

“Aside from the personal issues I have with that—it’s wasteful. That’s a one in a thousand scout there. If she makes it a few years she’ll be standing beside you and Levi. Why would we sacrifice that?”

“I don’t think Erwin believes that he is sacrificing that,” Mike sighed. “He’s betting a lot on her. With Levi involved though, the odds are far more in his favour.”

Nanaba looked back at their teammate, her expression unreadable. “I can’t help but feel like we’re poking a hornet’s nest.”  
  
“That’s because we are.”

\----

Aisha took a seat in the mess hall amongst Moblit, Henning and Gelgar; the three exchanged a silent glance.

“You look like you’re carrying the world,” Moblit said dryly.

She was distractedly spooning through her meal, unwilling to raise her eyes from the plate. “Am I?”

The men looked at each other with quirked eyebrows.

“We all know about the shitshow that went down at the ball. Whenever you’re ready to talk Aish,” Gelgar nudged her with his elbow. “We’re here.”

“Yeah, especially if you’re going to keep killing your team, I mean look at them,” Henning snorted. Across the room, Kate was heaped in a pile along with other rookies: a stout redhead called Flint, along with a mousy-looking brunette named Nicholas. Next to them was Brant, a tall, brooding brunette, who, despite his athletic frame, seemed to be as wilted as his teammates.

“What did you do to them?” Moblit stifled his laughter as he took a sip of water.

“Drills, mostly,” Aisha was still blandly shovelling food into her mouth with disinterest. “They’re slow, so I made them do the course over until they could complete it before the five-minute hourglass finished.”

The others gaped at her.

“Five minutes? For the whole course?”

“I changed the Titan position every now and again though,” she continued. “I’m certain Brant hit one in the face when he was distracted. So we’ve got a lot more work to do.”

“…have you been taking teaching tips from Captain Levi?” the question had barely left Henning’s mouth before he noticed the tiniest flinch. He wasn’t the only one, either. The four of them had spent so much time together, their smallest idiosyncrasies were easy to spot.

“What, did you have some kind of fight?” Moblit asked. “I’m asking mostly because I’ve never been in one with a superior myself—I do the arguing and Major Hange ignores me like a brick wall,”

“I’m sure if I fought with him you’d see the footprint on my ass all the way from the top of Wall Rose.”  
  
“Well, yeah, I guess,” Gelgar nudged her again. “Though that’s just because it’s you. If it was any one of us, we’d be splattered all over the floor and the others would have to clean the corpses up as a warning.”

She’d stopped eating and was just staring at the remnants on the plate. Not even a smile. “I think I need a walk. I’ll see you guys before I leave for the Garrison.”

Taking up her plate and mug, she walked off without another word; the men watched her retreat for a moment and then faced one another, perplexed.

“Last time she was this upset was during the last expedition when he gave her all those extra chores,” Moblit noted.

“Yeah, but, she had some fight in her then,” Gelgar said. “She was still energetic enough to sass me when I was sneaking the booze out of the cellar, and I could hear them both arguing for half the day.”

“It has to be her run-in with the Baron,” Moblit said. “Major Hange was a bit different this morning too—she had a meeting with the commander and seemed really confused when she came back. Like she was trying to think through something. All the other superiors seem to be a bit distracted too—apparently, the Baron is known for being erratic and difficult.”

“Seems right. He basically dragged her and the Captain to Sheena that morning,” Henning said. “And that wasn’t planned. She was supposed to be helping me train my flat-terrain movement and we had to reschedule at the last minute.”

“What do you guys know about her personal life?” Moblit asked, “I mean, you’re squad mates, so I assume you know more than I do. All I’ve got is this mess, that she grew up adopted and the Major has been helping her look into the clan of people she came from.”

Gelgar shrugged. “Well, you know as much as we do. In terms of other personal stuff, I dunno. She’s not really interested in much of anyone, because she’s usually off making gaga eyes at the Captain”

Henning inhaled his water with a snort. “ _What_?”

“Oh, come on, you’ve noticed. She basically worships the ground he walks on. The difference is that she’s a lot better than all the other soldiers who do it too, so she actually gets attention in return.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have called it _gaga eyes_ though,” Henning was still laughing, while Moblit was suppressing a grin of his own. “Honestly if she heard you, she’d roundhouse you right in the pompadour.”

Moblit interceded, still trying his hardest to keep his smile hidden. “They are close, yeah. That’s why this seems so weird. I get the feeling this is linked to the sudden appearance of funding and all, but it seems like they’ve had a falling out.”

“You think she punched someone at the ball and got yelled at?” Gelgar gazed wistfully at the others. “I would pay to watch her punch the sparkle off of those gilded pigs.”

“Her head is still firmly attached to her shoulders, so I’d say no,” Moblit snorted.

“Okay, fine, I give up then. She won’t tell us what’s wrong.” Gelgar sighed. “So she’s left us with no choice.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We’re going to ambush her this evening before the convoy leaves. At the very least she’ll blow off steam by trying to kill us.”

Henning gave his teammate a deadpan glare. “I mean, what are friends for, right?”

\----

Aisha was dragging her feet across the empty training field, aimlessly wandering from one edge to the other. The combination of her father’s announcement, her half-sister’s strange acceptance and the Captain’s behaviour was running her into the ground. The latter was the most discomforting; through anything that happened with her family—at least he had been this strangely reliable entity. But now, that was basically upturned, replaced by a rapidly changing hot and cold exterior that was shutting her out. His idea of subtle avoidance was as obvious as a Titan marching down to the market square—at least to her, anyway. Noticing it made it even more hurtful, especially when it was juxtaposed with the other things; when he defended her value before her father…or when he’d practically tried to devour her face the night before.

She still felt the tingles in the pit of her stomach whenever that moment popped up in her head again. His rough hand holding the back of her head in place, the insistent tug of his mouth and the sharp intake of breath as though he’d been starved of air—they were branded into her mind. There was no doubt that there was _something_ there for her, under the blasé shell. It just seemed as though he was trying his damndest to stamp it out. Knowing Levi, he would succeed; if Titans couldn’t stand before him, how could mere feelings escape his wrath?

Somehow, it felt worse knowing that he was able to reciprocate whatever she felt for him at least on some level…but he just didn’t want to. She could have dealt with someone who was too taken with his duty to pay her notice. She could even have fathomed the remote notion that his attention was focused elsewhere. But this was torture. Another kind of helplessness.

Every time he looked at her since their trip, he forced his eyes away again—and she took notice of each instance. The resigned sigh as she came with him on his errand in Sheena, and the way he distinctly tried to ignore her presence as she did. She felt pathetic, but she wanted to scream at him—ask him what his reasons were, as though that would numb the pain.

The part that gnawed at her the worst was that she was summarily walled off from the only person she routinely turned to. She hadn’t been the one to initiate that kiss—or whatever it was. Yet, she was going to pay for it. He was drawing lines between them, and she could still feel the bitterness in his tone as he did—hinting that perhaps, she couldn’t understand him.

Wouldn’t he let her try?

The knowledge that she was wallowing again both irritated and amused her. It was indeed one of her more insistent weaknesses, but she couldn’t help it. Her mind went to unwelcome places on its own, and she was just along for the ride, faring the bruises and scratches it brought. This particular journey was especially painful.

The last time she’d been kissed was by her fellow cadet, Simon Dietrich, in their training days. He was her first, in fact—stealing her breath away and confusing the daylights out of her awkward, teenaged brain. It wasn’t entirely unwelcome, and the easy camaraderie they had was not affected in the least—rather, it might’ve made them closer. He’d done it a second time just before their graduation, as if spurred by the knowledge that they would soon be facing death.

She could still remember the tug of a strong arm, stealing her away from the others as she passed by. Hidden in the shadowy annexe between cabins, she laughed lightly when she realised it was him. They were always happy to harass one another through their training, keeping a careful tally over who was winning.

He was looking down at her with determination, dark hair slightly mussed from using his gear all day. She was busily trying to think of some kind of payback when his hand cupped her jaw, and his mouth covered hers again. It was more feverish and insistent this time—there was no telling how much time passed in the end, but when they pulled apart, it was because someone was calling for him. He gave her a little smile when she hissed at him with the most theatric anger.  
_“You can’t just keep doing that to people!”_

 _“We’ll negotiate the terms later, then,”_ he grinned. _“When we enlist.”_

She watched him leave, her breathing shallow and her thoughts torn amongst exacting her revenge, awkward anxiety and strangely girlish bliss. But they never did get to talk. She never got to figure out if this was what she wanted.

In the end, he’d won their little game—dying before she could ever set the score in her favour again.

\----

  
  
               Levi was in an especially sour mood as he left the main building. His fingers were itching with the need to be out there again, cutting flesh and _not having to think._ The build up to expeditions was always the worst—inundated with paperwork, last minute preparations and politics. Of course this time was far worse, exacerbated by Varnhagen and, as Levi would grudgingly admit, his own inability to control his thoughts. He had specifically stayed in the night before, cutting short the late-night wandering that would serve as a brief respite from all of the paperwork he’d been trudging through. Instead, he stayed in his office without a break—yet still his mind wandered. Had she still gone to the kitchens, expecting him?

               As on cue, he looked across the field and spotted her. Fate loved giving him the middle finger these days. Even in the distance, he recognised the silhouette, which irked him. He couldn’t pretend to not notice her despondent walk—the same sad puppy, wallowing posture he’d seen many times before. A lesson from his childhood had given him the smallest shred of hope that he could deal with this. One of the first things Kenny had taught him, was how to get hit. You couldn’t survive unless you’d been hurt—your tolerance grew with each layer of pain, forming this thick scab over human weakness. He would let her mull over everything, and wallow if she wanted to. She’d be off with the Garrison with more than enough time to get used to it—to build up the first layer of resistance. And so would he, in his own way.

               She’d had stopped walking as he thought, turning—not towards him, but instead, to watch the small group of men barreling her way. There were the other two brats from team Zacharias, and the recruit that was saddled with Hange. The faint rumblings of whatever they were boisterously telling her were warped on the wind, but they were busily pulling her off to the training forest. There was a tiny sliver of her voice that got through, incredulous and laughing.

               There was still a mountain of paperwork in his office. Levi brushed the strange, stinging sensation off, and walked back to the main building, having given up on a cup of tea. Sacrifice was in his nature—it was how he survived, letting little bits of himself be cauterized so they could fall away.  
This was just another self-inflicted wound that would surely heal.

\----

“We can’t have you this grumpy before you leave,” Gelgar chided, pushing his teammate along. “It’d be irresponsible of us to inflict that on the poor Garrison soldiers.”

“You’re all assholes,” Aisha said with a smile. It was hard to remain gloomy when it was obvious that they were trying so hard to cheer her up.  
  
“It’s part of our charm,” Henning added. “Okay, we’re gonna switch to 3DM gear now,”

She stared. “Why?”  
  
“Because,” Gelgar extracted a flask from his jacket, ignoring Aisha’s raised brow. “Like a squirrel, I like to retire with my stash really high up.”

“You’re going to get me court martialed,” she called, pulling the trigger to follow the three men. They were incorrigible, but honestly, they were still quite precious.

They hadn’t gone far, it seemed as though the tallest tree within view of the compound was to Gelgar’s liking. They remained propped on a sturdy branch as he took a deep swig from the flask and passed it over.  
  
“Getting drunk in a tree is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard,” Moblit said, but he took a sip anyway.  
  
“We’re all still attached to the body of the tree,” Gelgar said. “Plus this stuff isn’t even all that strong, I got it when I was on Garrison duty a while back. Beggars can’t be choosers…”

“I have to wonder how you got through our trainee days sober.”  
  
“Who said I was sober?”

They passed the flask around, each sip sending them deeper into reminiscing about the long-lost days of the 100th Training Corps.

“Remember when you tried to make liquor out of the leftover potatoes?” Aisha gave an undignified snort. The others were already doubled over in laughter.

“Oh god,” Gelgar took another swig from the flask, as though trying to drown the memory. “Gregor found it under my bed.”

“ _What the fuck is this? It smells like horse piss! What are you degenerates getting up to in your spare time!?”_ Moblit did a wildly accurate impression of their drill sergeant and the soldiers were wiping tears from their eyes, gasping for breath with aching sides.

“And so, you were dubbed the horse pervert. I don’t think your hairstyle helped.”

“I never even got to taste the damn stuff! I’d been brewing that for _a month_!”

“I think he saved your life,” Henning snickered. “We were taking bets as to whether you’d vomit yourself to death, shit your insides out or keel over foaming at the mouth. Klaus and Aisha put their rations on all three.”

Gelgar shot her an accusatory look and she grinned back, but they sobered again, thinking of their fallen comrades.

“You think they’d be proud of us?” Henning was staring at the darkening sky.

“I think they’d kick our asses if they knew we were drinking contraband without them,” Gelgar smiled fondly.

Aisha let herself smile again. “I miss them. I never see Marie or Kai either. I don’t even know where he’s posted. Marie is somewhere in Stohess.”

“God, imagine if Simon was here.”

A tremor flit across her insides and Aisha felt the weight of those memories again.

“He’d be sassing us all. I bet he and Aish would be in constant competition to see how many titan kills they’d get.”

“And probably get a good ass kicking for pranking each other outside the walls,” Moblit laughed.

“It really makes you think, doesn’t it,” Gelgar stowed the flask in his jacket. “We have to live for those guys. The ones that had their best years stolen.”  
  
“We’re off to a decent enough start,” Henning said. “I ain’t kicking the bucket until we’ve really _lived_.”

“Then let’s promise each other that,” Gelgar was looking at them all seriously.  
  
“It’s a deal,” Aisha smiled.

“Yeah,” the others chimed in, sober at last, despite the alcohol.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR:  
> Levi is uncomfortable with feelings because he can't stab them.  
> Aisha is dealing with a lot rn  
> Mike and Nanaba basically are basically parents with a wayward teenager  
> Eld, Henning, Gelgar and Moblit are precious beans.
> 
> (I also really, really hate when female MCs are always blissfully ignorant every time a guy likes them, so I specifically did not do that)


End file.
